there's a book inside my head
and it's all about you
it writes itself when i sleep and edits when i wake
i have ten thousand manuscripts by now
but i'm scared to write you down
i'm scared of letting you in
i'm scared of provoking your spirit again
reality lets me run but my
mind won't let me hide
one of these days i'll be strong enough
to stick my hand in your cage and feed you the words i've kept inside
until then i'll brush them under rugs
and dance them away

i forgot how to sleep without you already
how do i know what i am
if you're not here to remind me that i am something

what if i only exist when you're awake?

beautiful in retrospect
even the dark things, the horrible things
i've learned to learn and that makes them necessary
i can wish to turn back time
i can wish on every star in that sky and all the planets that orbit them
but what's done is done, and i have to live with that
you have to live with that, we
have to live with that
and it's hard oh it's so ******* hard
to know i could've ...should've would've
if i, but i didn't, but if only
that's not how this life works
this life is fair and we all get what we deserve
in some way or another
all of our cards are dealt equally
and i have no room to complain
just room to beat myself up, endlessly, my own personal layer of hell
i could do that forever
(i have done that forever)
but now is my time
to not dwell on the ugliness of things
but master the lessons from them
to see the beauty in every excruciating part of me
in every memory that burns
because it was put there for a reason
it might take lifetimes to figure out
but i have discovered patience, and the eternal sunshine of love that strengthens me
as i continue on through this labyrinth of myself
finding clues and taking notes on life's vague meanings
i find that darkness is mandatory
so that you may appreciate the light.

eat
sleep
write

repeat as necessary

i was never meant for this
i was born wrong, a reincarnation misplacement
this foreign heart, beating and feeling too fast for my own good
an alien to my own existence

perhaps i should have been a free bird
or a lonesome whale, i'm used to the deepest and darkest of trenches

this wounded animal inside of me, it's spiraling me down again
and i'm tired, so ******* tired
of getting up again

I see it all clearly now
Clear as a window on a foggy day
It's as good as it's gonna get
It's like saying god is in your heart
But your heart is an ugly reckless *****
Pumping the blood through your body
Your beartrap of a body
It's like a drunk guy you just met slurring "I love you"
As he's zipping up his pants.

i think i'm starting to figure you out
little by little
maybe, possibly
the pieces fitting
like plugging my hairdryer in an outlet
i'm learning to not absorb the shock so much

you push me away
on purpose? subconsciously?
it works, occasionally
until i realize it's a test

and you know how anxious i get about those

i guess i pass though, because then you come back
all smiley that way you are

do you not believe i like (love?) you?
despite all the ******* you claim

i **** at sports but i win gold medals at mind games.