The not-quite-last-minute
Can't-won't-can't-can't-can't-absolutely-no­t
Turn away walk away driveway exit slow down blow kiss
She breathes on a bed
Inhales exhales
Invisible cigarette
Pink hair astray
Understands so much, too much
Eyes send fantasy and receives fact
Fact doesn't change, fact is solid, is Earth, is stable, loyal, disciplined
She nods and smiles too widely
Blushes with physical vulnerability
Mind detached, the doctor is in
Observation purposes only
This is a test
This is only a test
She turns it all around in that bright-side way she does
Some kind of odd redemption
The most perfect awkward closure
Goodbye
We've ****** the whole thing dry
The last tension black hole intensity anti-gravity
Astrally-inclined fly away now out-of-body-experience
Separate space from time
Follow me down to the cellar door
Open, something inside, the last ghost
Makes no noise as it drowns in the vaccuum
Closing, locking, throwing away the skeleton key
Nothing to open left, no more surprises, no more last kisses
This is the most something of a nothing
It speaks its silence in itself.

Eyelids sewn shut zombies wake and prey upon
Flesh in the shape of words
They were grave stricken
And adrenaline seeped through dormant veins
Blood is truth
This is all we know
Instinct, attack, leave for others to devour
Morbid, my symbols
The best ways to depict such an ache
Gruesome and gnawing
Reminding
Never dead, head always running
Only defeated by my own consuming desires.

I'm not as invisible as you make me feel
So let's make this one easy
I just won't exist
The air nonchalantly breathed in as if it did not affect
I am no more
Not because I hate, but because I can't
I'll pretend I never drank in your tranquility
I'll pretend it never made me stronger
I'll just pretend, I'll just dance on my I'm-okay stage
That I even tried
I am ashamed of my own face
The machine underneath
On autopilot
Why do I believe
Feeling
What the **** is that
It is not this word or this word or this word
There's no silver platter with my shoes for you to slip into
There's nothing left but me waving frantically
At a decaying wall, spray painted "I Was Here."

Looking beneath behind through as if searching for a small speck of dust
Some kind of answer or hint, please
All the while hiding cases and cases of confidential files
Neurotoxic venom building up underground about to explode in geysers of
What the **** is going on?
What are these letters I type in contrast to the static blizzard
Freezing brain cells avalanching down
Drowning in its overwhelming white intensity
Covering all traces of understanding
Seeking every last hidden-in-plain-sight human and universe motivation
Contemplating every glimmer in hopes it was just a reflection.

I am just an ignorant girl always building hope out of sand
Under the feet of destroyers
They laugh at my ambition
And stomp down carelessly
Onto what I couldn't hold together with glue

So I laid there, defeated, roasted from diglottic sun
Red and burning, confused and peeling
Waiting for the tide to wash the remnants of my failed creation
And these shells of pearless useless oysters
Away.

The very first line of the very first chapter ****** me in
And grabbed me like Freddy in my dreams and wouldn't shake me away until I had barely enough energy to wake up
Between chapters the pages were stapled together
Skipping so many so many many page numbers they all blurred together
And formed a weightless insignificant half & half story
Faces and voices and quotations
Forgotten then regained in new perspectives through new lips and emotional injections
The story stays predicted with some adjustments
Reading from the same script every ******* time
All those run-on sentences are continuously recycled
And you will choke them back up with every girl you bring up
And then drop them down down the rabbit hole black hole where am I and how did i get here
All that remains the neon highlighted favorite parts
At some point in the story it must've meant something
But after the ****** we just all fall apart in our heads
Trying to puzzle it together and giving up and finally walking out the door
Ripping the staples and paper flies everywhere
Like paper airplane love notes thrown and cutting hands just reaching for one last hold
Language is multi-dimensional and the angles from which they're read
The lost pieces have lost their place
Lost in time somewhere back there wish I could have stopped it and danced within
So the end wouldn't come
If endings are just beginnings than you are infinite indeed
Because you won't stop rewriting this book you are trapped in
You eat words for breakfast lunch and dinner
And then hold your stomach after it's so completely filled you want to burst
And wonder why you ate so much of them
When you are the author of this never-ending tragic story
But you'll still pick it up again and start over for each warm smile and rephrase everything
Make it seem like it's the first you've ever read with fresh born eyes
But the repetition will drag and you'll need some action
It's never enough or it's too much
I'm never enough or I'm too much
But at least I can say I was in there before I was expectedly torn out in insecure panic
Stapled shut out of sight and out of mind
How many different versions of this plot have you told by now...
How many of them were worth the waste of breath
Because I was pretty ******* sure I was worth at least maybe a ******* pronoun
I capitalized to strengthen you and I was edited out all the same
You're stuck in a labyrinth walking aimlessly and waiting just to find another dead end
Leaving everyone anxious but no one convinced now that you speak true
When you've weaved in so many dreams and science fiction
How will you ever know what is real
If you won't let yourself trust anything
I was real and I was trust
But the world is fake and plastic like blonde Barbie dolls
And only the artificial temporary flavors of things taste the best.

The
Most
Hazardous
Drugs
In
The
World
Are
The
Ones
That
Originate­
From
Our
Own
Minds.