When the door opens,
spitting rhymes as it creaks ajar
i will stand anxious in hopes that my opportunity has come.

I yearn to live atop a mountain
Overlooking the world.

Life would be quiet.

As I would share company with only but my lonely abode.

I would arise early in the morning to hear the scurrying of animals
and their love to be noticed
and their love to be left alone.

My fear would have stayed back with the door that led me to this.
I would be free.
I would not be imprisoned.
Just as the stars fight through darkness to be seen.
They are not imprisoned either.

When the door opens,
spitting rhymes as it creaks ajar
i will stand anxious in hopes that my opportunity has come.
Nature would suffocate me,
Blurring my old vision,
And defining a new unspeakable vision.

as I journey back into the depths of my memory
the sun begins to run away
and
the clouds start to loiter throughout the sky

I see glimpses of when you were all i thought I needed
and the short span of time that we were paralyzed in love
my fingers would tremble in your hands
and your lips would rotate this way and that
forming sentences that I had never wanted to hear

all I wanted was to be loved
but as I venture deeper and deeper into those memories,
It pains me to know
our definitions of love were so different
and so complex

the pain i felt
had always been translated into
silent seconds spent
watching my own blood spill over

the pain I feel
is translated into
silent minutes spent
watching as my hand trembles anxiously
to release any toxic feelings
onto a sheet of paper that'll soon be disposed of

the pain I will feel
will translate into
silent hours spent
hearing my insides rattle
and
experiencing my whole world becoming
blurred
from the lack of dryness in my eyes.

the pain I have felt
has made me feel weak

the pain I feel
has made me feel strong

the pain I will feel
will make me
weak,
strong and
tired.

He traced his fingers along my body
With a curled smile
That was filled with lust
And
With eager eyes
That were filled with acceptance and amazement

To think
That someone finds beauty in
What I hate about myself

And

To know
That someone is attracted to not only
The body
But the mind

My voice echoes through a narrow corridor.
Vacant.
My veins slowly begin freezing up into ice.
I feel deeply saddened.
An ache that calls out and receives no reply,
no therapy.
My body shuts down.
As if being controlled by a remote
far out of my reach.
Speak out-
To me.
I ache for someone to tell me it's okay to stop being
strong.
It's okay to be helpless.
For once.
Then
will I feel,
My entire body
Coming alive.
In acceptance.
In fulfillment.
In peace.

All of my pours have opened,
Spilling out a liquid that I didn't know was my own.
My body shudders.
I thought you were vital to me.
But look.
I am still breathing.
A harsh reality that although I was stuck deep in quick sand-
I had a way out.

Everything is calm.
I lay weightless staring up at the ceiling above.
The storm has retreated
And the sun has squeezed between the clouds, revealing its identity.
The windows are open,
Allowing a cool breeze to fight
through the nets.
It smells like earth.
I inhale and close my eyes as the only noises that intrude are those from nature.
The trees stirring,
The wind yelping
In hopes of being heard,
People laughing,
Leaves crunching,
The sun boiling,
The stars hiding dimly,
Everything.
After soaking in my surroundings,
I open my eyes.
I am completely and utterly amazed.
Because for once it seems that...
Everything is calm.

I've never felt what it is to be in love.
And although I long for it,
I don't want it bad enough to force anything that is not true.
But
I am prepping myself.

They will ask me "how did you know you were in love?"

Most people would say,
"It's unexplainable"

But me?

I'd allow my lips to part
Revealing a deep intimate smile.

How did I know?
And I'd explain.

I knew I was in love when I felt a happiness that made me feel alive.
It's one thing to just live,
But it's another to feel- alive.
I had never felt something so crisp.
When the sun is setting and suddenly
The whole sky turns into a canvas,
It's that unbelievable feeling that
someone must have used a palette to paint colors across the sky
and
It leaves you breathless.
Falling in love leaves you breathless.
It is unexpected,
like the spectrum of colors that hit your vision.

How did I know?
And I'd explain.

I've waited so long for something that I thought would be unexplainable.
So when I found something that could be explained through the help of little aspects in life,
I knew.
I just knew.

I will never comprehend how someone discovers an abundance of energy through speaking maliciously about other people,
most they don't even know
personally.
I sit and allow the words to fly by my ears,
dodging them,
in hopes that they will not stick.
In hopes that I will not turn into them.
I know I've been the sweet taste in their mouth that they couldn't get rid of at one point.
Although that gives me an unsettling feeling,
I do not care.
But I feel for those who have an infinite place in their mouths.
It saddens me to know,
They are never there.
They are never there to hear the antagonistic words that are being spoken against them.
They are never there to defend themselves.
They are never there to fight back
and
learn a form of control that keeps them from stooping down to where those people swim around
like sharks,
below-sea level.
When will they find vacancy in speaking anything other positive  words that give life,
not death.

I miss your presence hanging over me
constantly.
I fear your absence.
I fear you.
I don't deserve your love.
Every day I wake up,
I am reminded of that.
Can I do right long enough that it doesn't become a cycle?
A cycle of me doing your will and then slipping back into sin only to surrender and do it all over again.
How foolish would it be if I asked to be perfect.
If I was perfect,
Perhaps I would do right-
All the time.
I wouldn't have to worry,
And neither would you.
I am exhausted from my constant persistence in wanting half of you and half of this life.
That frightens me.
You said,
you will spit out all who are
Lukewarm.
So often do I
Command you to turn around as I sin,
so that you won't see my wrongdoings.
I am afraid that one day,
As I command you again
You will turn your back forever.
Forgive me,
I give myself to you.
I want to feel meaning again.
I want to be happy.
I want to live for something full of worth.
I want to live for you, God.
Why has it become so hard for me to stick to this?
Mold me.
Show me all of the reasons why I should give all of myself to you.
Show me all of the reasons why this sin-bound world can't even own up to half of who you are.
Fill me up with your abundance.
So that others can see,
That although you can't be seen and not always heard,
Your power
And your love is so captivating and significant.
Once it is felt, it is so difficult to ignore.

Isn't it fascinating, how some people work?
You could give all of yourself to a person
yet
they still insist on confining you
because of their knowledge that
no matter how far you are
pushed, pulled, dropped, sunk,
Your love for that person goes far beyond all the wrong they put you through.

Isn't it fascinating how
when we are filled with unconditional love for someone,
their empty words and vacant smiles
fill us up.
They fill us up with such happiness and yearn to keep going
We feel as though their presence is what keeps us going

But

Isn't it fascinating how,
One day
We arise in the morning,
And realize
How much we sacrificed
For someone who only found interest
In being loved
Not loving.

I don't desire a fairytale story,
I desire pure love.
A love that makes you want to dance all night.
A love that makes you want to explore and venture.
I desire a love that comes so effortlessly,
and leaves
only to arrive back with more.
I desire a love that is so authentic.
I could wait patiently however long it may take,
for it to reach my doorstep.
And acceptingly, I would invite it in.



i.v.

have you noticed

how silent and calm the earth becomes just as the sun sets beyond the horizon

have you noticed

how even when a storm approaches in the morning, birds still fill the air with their lullabies

have you noticed

how low the fog lays as if ready to befriend and swallow up anything in its path

have you noticed  

how everything keeps living
despite all the changes that occur
everyday

have you

I've wasted nights listening to the rain fall so rapidly,
that my head would start to spin from motion sickness.

I wondered,
how could rain fall so fast?

How could anything fall so fast and so helplessly?

But then I thought of you.

You have built a home of pain, love, rage, and utter madness inside of me.
I want you- out.
All of you.