I've never felt what it is to be in love.
And although I long for it,
I don't want it bad enough to force anything that is not true.
But
I am prepping myself.

They will ask me "how did you know you were in love?"

Most people would say,
"It's unexplainable"

But me?

I'd allow my lips to part
Revealing a deep intimate smile.

How did I know?
And I'd explain.

I knew I was in love when I felt a happiness that made me feel alive.
It's one thing to just live,
But it's another to feel- alive.
I had never felt something so crisp.
When the sun is setting and suddenly
The whole sky turns into a canvas,
It's that unbelievable feeling that
someone must have used a palette to paint colors across the sky
and
It leaves you breathless.
Falling in love leaves you breathless.
It is unexpected,
like the spectrum of colors that hit your vision.

How did I know?
And I'd explain.

I've waited so long for something that I thought would be unexplainable.
So when I found something that could be explained through the help of little aspects in life,
I knew.
I just knew.

I will never comprehend how someone discovers an abundance of energy through speaking maliciously about other people,
most they don't even know
personally.
I sit and allow the words to fly by my ears,
dodging them,
in hopes that they will not stick.
In hopes that I will not turn into them.
I know I've been the sweet taste in their mouth that they couldn't get rid of at one point.
Although that gives me an unsettling feeling,
I do not care.
But I feel for those who have an infinite place in their mouths.
It saddens me to know,
They are never there.
They are never there to hear the antagonistic words that are being spoken against them.
They are never there to defend themselves.
They are never there to fight back
and
learn a form of control that keeps them from stooping down to where those people swim around
like sharks,
below-sea level.
When will they find vacancy in speaking anything other positive  words that give life,
not death.

I miss your presence hanging over me
constantly.
I fear your absence.
I fear you.
I don't deserve your love.
Every day I wake up,
I am reminded of that.
Can I do right long enough that it doesn't become a cycle?
A cycle of me doing your will and then slipping back into sin only to surrender and do it all over again.
How foolish would it be if I asked to be perfect.
If I was perfect,
Perhaps I would do right-
All the time.
I wouldn't have to worry,
And neither would you.
I am exhausted from my constant persistence in wanting half of you and half of this life.
That frightens me.
You said,
you will spit out all who are
Lukewarm.
So often do I
Command you to turn around as I sin,
so that you won't see my wrongdoings.
I am afraid that one day,
As I command you again
You will turn your back forever.
Forgive me,
I give myself to you.
I want to feel meaning again.
I want to be happy.
I want to live for something full of worth.
I want to live for you, God.
Why has it become so hard for me to stick to this?
Mold me.
Show me all of the reasons why I should give all of myself to you.
Show me all of the reasons why this sin-bound world can't even own up to half of who you are.
Fill me up with your abundance.
So that others can see,
That although you can't be seen and not always heard,
Your power
And your love is so captivating and significant.
Once it is felt, it is so difficult to ignore.

Isn't it fascinating, how some people work?
You could give all of yourself to a person
yet
they still insist on confining you
because of their knowledge that
no matter how far you are
pushed, pulled, dropped, sunk,
Your love for that person goes far beyond all the wrong they put you through.

Isn't it fascinating how
when we are filled with unconditional love for someone,
their empty words and vacant smiles
fill us up.
They fill us up with such happiness and yearn to keep going
We feel as though their presence is what keeps us going

But

Isn't it fascinating how,
One day
We arise in the morning,
And realize
How much we sacrificed
For someone who only found interest
In being loved
Not loving.

I don't desire a fairytale story,
I desire pure love.
A love that makes you want to dance all night.
A love that makes you want to explore and venture.
I desire a love that comes so effortlessly,
and leaves
only to arrive back with more.
I desire a love that is so authentic.
I could wait patiently however long it may take,
for it to reach my doorstep.
And acceptingly, I would invite it in.



i.v.