I hear the voices behind me calling my name.
I turn to look, but the voices vanish.

I hear the voices when I walk through the canteen for lunch.
But I never ever find the source.

Do you want to know what I hear?

I hear the secrets I've told one person.
I hear the embarrassment I've put on myself.
I hear the pain and suffering I've had to deal with.
I hear my name slandered every turn I make.

But the worst of it all, I've heard that it all came from you.
You talk to me like a friend,
But in reality, behind my back -

You're a monster waiting to devour me.
A monster who slanders my name.
A monster who spreads my secrets.
A monster who I thought was my FRIEND turns out to be the same person stabbing me in the back.

What have I ever done to you to deserve such treatment?

I am cross with you,
but I won't fight back.
Because when I do, I'd be the very monster that you are.

Tell me more, tell me more.
Tell me more of your lies.
Lie to my face and say it with a coy smile.

In the end of the day, you are nothing but an insecure little child who needs attention.

I will no longer give you that attention.
Lie to me some more,
I'll hear you, but never listen.

I can't get out of bed,
I have no motivation in my head.
Tell me, how did you survive your trip out bed?

I'm slowly fading into nothing
The things I used to love are unlovable now
The people I used to care for are the same people I ignore.

Tell me, how did you survive your trip outside your bed?

The feelings I used to feel have gone
The hope I used to see has slipped away
The things that used to irk me at night have vanished
The smile I used to give is nowhere to be found.

I have lost my will to live. Tell me, where'd you find yours?

Because in the end of the day, after everything we've been through, we go through the phase of Anhedonia, the state of not caring anymore.

The shackles that bind my heart are slowly increasing.
They are the same shackles that I've fought so hard to break.
But then, I am back in the corner where my shackles bind me.

The people around me are slowly turning against me.
I have no one to turn to and say my problems to.
What happened to the friendships that I've built?

You were supposed to be the brother I never had.
The sister I could tell my problems to.
But why, oh why, have you forsaken me for telling you the truth?

My shackles, they bind me.
My shackles make my strong.
My shackles are the proof that I have been strong enough,
and I want my suffering to end.

I will go back to my shackles for I am tired of going out of my way and being a friend that you never asked for.

You’re blind. You can’t think for yourself. You’ve become a puppet, a doll, who cannot think for itself and needs someone to pull your strings. Swing to the left, swing to the right, that’s it, come on follow me and you’ll have something to cherish for life.

I want to be free and so I tug on my strings roughly.

SNAP

Uh oh, you angered one of your masters. Suffer the consequences alone.

Snap
Snap
Snap

Three more strings have been broken. Oh boy, you’re in trouble now. You’re losing the people who matter so much to you because you want your own way. You will suffer alone because you’re one of a kind. A doll made of something priceless, but your environment tarnished you. You’ve made them control you.

S N A P!

All at one, the strings broke and my world turned from darkness to light. I clenched my fingers feeling their freedom.

Come my child, follow me and I will give your peace.

Said the voice above me. Though I could not see Him, I felt his presence, His comfort. I tried so hard to look for satisfaction in life, in the people around me, but I realized. . . I was a child of a king who was released from the lifeless puppet I called comfort. God, you are my everything.

Sometimes I think I’m cursed with remembering everything that people say to me and I end up looking like the liar because they don’t remember what they said and deny what I told them they said.

It’s so hard living like this because you care about people so much and you remember what they say and you are left in a constant dilemma of reminding them about they said and risk their opening healing scars or stay quiet and live with the fact that you are stuck in a constant feeling of helplessness.

I give up. I give up caring for those around me.I give trying up to be the good friend who would tell the person their wrong and encourage them. I give up being that friend who would be there for the person when they are down because in all honesty, what have I gotten in return? Nothing but name calling and talks behind my back. What have I gotten in return? The feeling of being useless and being ignored. They go to me when they need something. Do you really have friends with the society that we have now? Honestly, can you tell me to my face that you don’t only go to me when you need something from me?

It was a mistake imposing myself on people and being friendly. Maybe being a snob and just staying away from people like my old self would be better rather than this feeling of anxiety and regret for trying to be a good friend showing a different perspective in life.
What is life? I don’t know anymore. Why am I friends with so many people? They don’t care about me as a person. They only care about how I make them feel. Why am I in a family who wouldn’t do anything but compare you and say discouraging words towards you? Because they only care about their expectations being met through you. Why do I have to have a crush on someone who doesn’t even like me? Because you are a stupid kid who is desperate for someone to love you and care for you because your own family doesn’t make you feel those all the time. Family says we put a roof on your head and give you food and education and define it as caring and loving, but do they really when all you hear is negativity from them?

Do you really have friends when all they make you feel is like you’re on the wrong side and they’d call you names for it? Are they really your friends if just the thought of correcting them or saying your opinion causes a fight between you?
Are you really living when you have to deal with all these crap in your life and end up writing something like this to ease your pain?

In the crowd,
feeling all alone.
Feeling angry,
I want to talk.

Bout no one listens,
non one ever listens.
I feel jealous.
But what can I do?

I am a nobody.
No one talks to me,
they think I'm weird;
and laugh at me instead.

They talk, and talk,
about their petty lives.
I can never understand -
what it feels like to have a friend.

But in my lonesomeness,
I have realized one thing.
I have one friends,
who would never leave me nor forsake me.

She sits on her own,
pondering about life.
People watch her own her own;
not concerning themselves about her life.

But when she cries,
people start to care.
Funny how people start to care,
when you start to crumble.

Silence is the absence of noise,
but what happens when silence fades?
Silence is strength in chaos,
but what happens when chaos fades?

What happens to silence?
Silence becomes a weakness;
a weakness that no one wants, A weakness that everyone has.

And so we become like clanging cymbals;
clanging cymbals that make mindless chatter;
mindless chatter to fill the silence;
the silence that no one can escape.