I count the pills that were discoloring into the bile on the kitchen floor.
Like when you hold skittles in your sweaty hands for too long.
The contrast between the comparison made me shudder.
Though at that moment I did feel like a child.
The red was almost comedic against the white tile.
The beer cans were a crescent moon around the scene.
I can see you there sitting on the cold floor.
Palms on the ground, back against the corner.
I can see it and you were beautiful.

I straighten up.
My heart tumbles down into the pit of my stomach.
I feel so selfish.
I was glad to have you as my companion in this alternate world.
This world where for so long,
I felt like the only one to want to live there.
Now you are here, with me.
Of course you are.

We are martyrs for the beauty in death itself.
We can count the many ways we can end the pain.
Fantasize about it.
We are victims to our hunger to destroy and create at the same time.
As we push and pull into each other.
Tug at our tender seams.
We make that hunger tangible.
We stroke the flesh of the monster inside both of us.

There is something inside of me that won't let me sleep.
A pinch licked onto my shoulder
breathing the stench of reality.

The hairs on the back of my neck reach far
as to protect me.
But I am exposed
and I'm so ******* tired.

My lids so heavy I can stretch them up and over my head.
A masochistic joke I play with myself.

There is something hiding that won't let me sleep.
Licking it's fingers before it takes hold of my neck.

It wants to take a good look at me.
Get a good look at me.

I want to love you like a river
and the ground it writhes against
runs deep and on the sides it shivers
and I can taste the ghosts in your bed

I came in like a storm.
Your violent wind carried me through.
Leaving pieces of myself floating in the air.

Staying steady with the beat in your chest.
My back holding your chest together.
As we pushed and pulled into each other.
I was afraid if I didn't stay still your heart would fall out.

Your forehead resting on the back of my neck.
Arms were around me but I was holding you.
The whole world was held down by that steady beat.

I didn't know I was asleep
Bobbing in and out of water
You called me out like a siren

You were my first breath
Pulling my chest forward
Blossoming my lungs that have never known air

And in a moment's rush
I'm back in the water
Awake so that I can watch
Your air escape my lips in pieces

I tried to tally each flicker of your eyes towards me
for they were numbered.
One night means everything
in a world where everything is not enough.

Your limbs danced over me like a tree caught in a breeze
and I miss your shade.
Though you know nothing yet
that I am a rolodex of excuses.
Once card for each scar carved into my chest.

Will you read them to me?
I need to feel the sting
for I can no longer tell if I am awake.