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isthiscloudnine Mar 2019
inhale, exhale.
close your eyes, and count the beats of your heart

imagine.
imagine that you're far away on a secluded island
imagine that you're floating on air
imagine that you're sleeping on a cloud
imagine you're on a calm beach, waves slow to fall

inhale, exhale.
close you eyes, and count the beats of your heart

dream.
dream that you're laying down in a nice flower field
with a special someone ;)
dream that you and your friends are biking fast
down the city on a warm summer's night
dream that you're having some boba with your friends
on a nice strawberry-sky afternoon on a rooftop

inhale, exhale.
close you eyes, and count the beats of your heart

breathe.
breathe and just keep breathing
.01/detox
isthiscloudnine Feb 2019
You cared too much about me
I guess that's why it hurt when you stopped
I never really needed constant reassurance,
But you told me I was beautiful anyway

I guess you don't know what you have until it's gone
right?
Because without you, I feel really cheated on my feelings
I don't know where to go
Because you were the place I went to
When I was alone
When I was breaking
You were my safe haven

I still have your number on my phone
Like a suicidal hotline to call when I'm feeling down
Like a counselor to talk to at school when anxiety kicks in
But yet I never call
Because you're too busy now
And I don't want to step on your life

Yes, it hurts you're gone away
It hurts that I'm a selfish person and forgot you have a life
It hurts that I forgot that a lot of people look to you the same way in the same time
But at one point, you only had time for me
Now our time, is their time
I still feel cheated

But you aren't 911
You aren't promised to always show up when I need help
You aren't my guardian angel
It's not your responsibility to watch over me
It just hurts that you did anyway

You cared too much about me
You loved me too much, even though you never said it
You showed it
And it still hurts
But am I brokenhearted?

I don't know.
You were never mine.
.01/this is middle school
isthiscloudnine Feb 2019
can you tell me when you get tired of me?
can you tell me, instead of just leaving it out there?
leaving what's oblivious to me become obvious in public,
making me look stupid for trying to love you
so that people won't look at me through the lense you fixated on me

can you tell me when I'm overreacting?
can you tell me, instead of just leaving me out there?
leaving me to be judged by the people who don't know me,
making myself look stupid for making small things look big
so that people don't look at me with the impression that I'm just another teenage girl

can you tell me when you don't love me anymore?
can you tell me, instead of just leaving me?
leaving with no warning, leaving me to break down,
making me look stupid for giving you a chance
so that my heart would hurt less than it already does.
.02/this is middle school
isthiscloudnine Apr 2019
I dream of great mansions,
Becoming lost in a world in which I cannot understand,
Where secrets are hidden away, locked, and untouched in the treasured corners of my unconscious yet conscious mind.

I dream of large cities where I wish to escape to.
Intimidating buildings pierce the high sky, the wondrous city sounds never get old.
The soft lights and elegant music spiral about me, and
all the while I'm there sometimes I conclude it's all not a dream.

I dream of talking to strangers, having conversations like I know them but I don't.
They treat me to coffee or extravagant island resorts, and we have the most electrifying trips.
It's like they're real people, but they aren't.

I dream of tumbling freely from high buildings, diving carelessly in the bed of foamy waves of the ocean, and running from places I don't know, but I am never hurt.

I dream of strolling through wide valleys dotted with blades of overwhelmingly tall grass and a sky of white swirling clouds,
And every time I step forward in the vast maze of the valley, plants and flowers sprout from my feet and continue to grow in astonishing speeds,
And the wind caresses me gently as I slowly inhale the salty breeze it possesses.

I dream of being alone, but when I'm alone in my dreams, I'm filled with the comfort of being able to explore the thoughts of my mind.

The comfort of the large houses, the bustling cities whose towers pierce the sky, the strangers who I converse with, the heights I fall from and the waves I fall into, and the green hills, evaded me from reality.
isthiscloudnine Mar 2019
I wish he would love me as I love him.
I wish someone would wrap me in their arms.
I wish I could relate to couple "goals".
I wish there was someone to tell me I'm beautiful
even though
I'm freaking out and look like a mess.
I wish someone would dance with me.
I wish I could love someone, even though it means
losing them.
.04/this is middle school
isthiscloudnine Mar 2019
Often I forget that I am blessed
Often I forget that I am loved
That I have people on my side
that I am not alone

Often I'm so stressed I can't think
I forget to relax
To breathe and stay calm
Often I forget to take it easy
Often I forget to not beat myself up over small things

Often I forget that there are many worse things
I could be going through
Often I forget to be grateful for the people in my life
Often I forget to treat myself nicely
Often I forget to take things one step at a time,
instead of overwhelming myself

Most often I try not to forget these things.
.02/life itself
isthiscloudnine Mar 2019
tired of the way everything's the same

tired of walking down the same **** roads

tired of keeping feelings in, strangling them for you

tired of everyone thinking I'm nothing more than a
straight A student just because I'm Asian

tired of being judged by girls in the locker room

tired of giving lots of love that I'll never get back

tired of loved ones leaving

tired of losing people because I did something stupid

tired of hearing love songs

tired of seeing couples and thinking of what we were

tired of feeling confused

tired of feeling scared

tired of not feeling enough

tired of being sad

tired of hating myself

tired of living sometimes

but one thing I could never get tired of...

you.
0.3/this is middle school

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