When may I start to see beauty in my scars?
How long will it take to reassemble these broken parts?
How will I know when I’m healed enough for love?
And where can I go when the quiet isn’t enough?

Why do I find myself craving something chaotic?
Where do I get off yearning for something toxic?
Where has my anger gone and when will it come back?
Who am I without it? What’s my goal? Where’s my defense?

When will the sun come out on my misery?
Will anyone have me with my ****** up history?
May I ever have peace without a lion’s share of effort?
Will my heart ever emerge from this comfortable desert?

I know I look bullet proof
I know I roll like a stone
I know it seems like I can take a punch
I know I look good on my own

And on my worse days
I believe it too
I don’t mind
Being a punching bag
I can take it all
On my worse days

What is strength anyway?

I wonder how much I’ve forgotten because it wasn’t a shop of horrors.
I wonder if it’s common to have a deep wanting for the one who gave you your many traumas.
I wonder how thrilling the darkness could be if I went back into it again.
I wonder how I can be a victim when I cultivated so much of the excitement.

I wish I could spend some nights with you without opening Pandora’s box.
I wish I could still know you and still love you, but I cannot.
I wish you hadn’t hurt me and hadn’t left me so destroyed.
I wish I could still share you my melancholy and feel so understood.

I feel heartbroken when I think of you as a terrified little boy.
I feel such grief that you were robbed of love before you had a choice.
I feel overcome with loss when I remember our ride or die ethos.
I feel regret that despite my efforts there was just no saving us.

I miss the times we walked along the streets of coloured leaves.
I miss we the way it was to sit in the silence and feel the beauty.
I miss the time we went up north and smiled in the cool of the water.
I miss the music we listened to when we drove, a pair of marauders.

I think the part that hurts the most is mourning it all without you.
I think if I could do it all again I wouldn’t choose to never know you.
I think the time alone I have is well spent when I reflect upon us.
I think I needed to learn from you and our time together, albeit unjust.

I listen to our music from the days we drove along riverside boulevards.
I listen to the words you used to tell me, ringing in my ears, pulling me apart.
I listen for the rev of your motorcycle and the freedom we together felt.
I listen for sounds of peace to come along and save me from myself.

I feel so sad though you’re a street away I can’t just come to see you.
I feel apprehensive when I’m out on the town I might happen upon you.
I feel estranged from the you that you were for yesterday you were a shadow of yourself.
I feel so angry all the time - unrelentingly - there’s nothing else.

I marvel at how often we laughed despite our loneliness and pain.
I marvel at how passionate we were about a love that wasn’t ok.
I marvel at how long it’s been since the memory of you made me cry.
I marvel at how damaged I am from a man who made me so high.

I dreamt of you last night
The way we talked easily
I dreamt of you last night
Your lips, they almost had me

What is it about you?
Stirs my deepest core
What is it about you?
Drove me to give up more and more

I could walk down the street
I could knock on your door
I could walk down the street
Let you have me once more

Nothing’s beat it yet
The way you touched my body
Nothing’s beat it yet
Intimacy that was also camaraderie

I think you ruined me
Won’t find that violence again
I think you ruined me
I don’t rest, I can’t see, it won’t end

In this moment I don’t hate you
Might even say I miss you
In this moment I don’t hate you
Might even say I loved you

I’m better now
But I miss the war
I’m better now
Won’t go back, I swore

How sick am I?
Want you to rip me apart
How sick am I?
You might still have my heart

Maybe I’m just lonely
Body is buzzing for your touch
Maybe I’m just lonely
One night wouldn’t be too much

You hurt me badly
But I haven’t had enough
You hurt me badly
I still crave you loving me rough

I crave a gentle love
Often you did that too
I crave a gentle love
Mind to mind, we were one from two

I need a surrender
And I think you would be a fight
I need a surrender
So you’ll get only my mind this night

In these warm peninsula winds
I’m reminded of driving with you
The leaves colourful on the fields
In those times, we were peaceful too

On those days we were too tired
To carry on the war
So instead we drove in silence
An unspoken armistice unfolding in a car

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad
It just was and that was enough
Although you tore me apart through the years
Many times, in a car, we were just us

For too many years gone by
You were the one that I loved
It wasn’t good, it wasn’t healthy,
it wasn’t even real
But to me, you were all that there was

Now these memories live inside me
In places only I can know
Although were I to let you in on it
To you too these moments would be known

“I’ve had enough pain for a lifetime.”

She’ll hurt again,
no doubt,
but maybe she won’t go looking for it this time.

She was the storm chaser
proving her strength
to none but herself.

“The bigger, the badder, the better.”

Now she relates more to soldiers
than she could to anyone intact.
Flashbacks abound,
she’s what you might call a damaged girl.

Maybe it’s low self worth;
maybe she’s stubborn as hell;
maybe she only feels her power
when she’s at war.

“Oh fuckity ****!”

She’s so broken now;
she’s so sad now;
she’s so afraid now.
“I think I’m broken now.”

Who broke this storm chaser?

It’s a feat to scare the fearless;
it’s a talent to break the strong.
You should be proud of yourself:
you’re a special kind of *******
if “you broke the storm chaser.”

I feel a foreign insecurity
washing over me
comes in waves;
the ground is moving under my feet

I feel off balance
my skin feels wrong;
am I dissociating?
am I just raw?

That girl I was
seems dead and gone
I need a revival
…
but I can’t bear it
it all feels false

I’ll don my silver hoops
and my top knot;
put on my velvet shoes
pretend I’m hot

But it won’t do
this **** I’m used to;
acting ghostly
to hide the black and blue

I’m so ****** divided
between 17 and 43
it left a hole in me
and that’s where I’m tryna be
now

To fill myself up
fill my own needs;
stop thinkin ‘bout you
and think about me

Learn to love me;
learn to lift me;
learn to hold me;
learn to carry me
intentionally

I’ve been strong
and now I’m broken, I guess
that’s what happens
when he’s an adult
and you were a kid

At once I look behind me with self-hatred and longing,
Because it was beautiful when you broke me.
Who knew that devastation could happen in vivid colour;
Sensual, electric, intoxicating

You fed me blood and I craved it
We were vampires creeping the streets at night
Afraid of daylight, you had me pale and thin
Elusive, invisible to those who once knew me

So why do I wail over the loss of this torment?

I drink fresh spring water now,
I have peace and it is a relief;
Yet your fingers still play songs of yearning on my heartstrings

Will I ever feel such violence again?

Have faith in your aesthetic
I must
You're confident, rock it
I will
*I'm going to be great

One month has passed us.
I know so little about you still
how u think
of me
of life
of now
of later.
I want to show you every part of me,
I still feel that you know too little.
And yet here we sit,
in what might be our first silent treatment.
I don't think I would be mad if it was.
I think I would get it,
agree with it.
Probably.
But this is my poem
thats meant to let you know
that I love you and care,
and that I am going to freak out
when things are pulled a little crazy.
But you matter to me, so it's ok if things get sorta mad hatter once in a while.
Love always,
**S

I'm having a moment
that I don't wish to return to
but that doesn't make me want to run
away.
I feel mild pain in my heart
but I'm confident that I can bear through it.
Every second: feel less.
It's such a nice day
the kind you want to feel good in
a walk would be lovely.
If only I had the time,
my heart needs the time.

I felt calm then
all noise seized, and calm settled in.
The grass was bright,
I was alone.
The leaves were colour when they rustled
under my feet.
And I took a moment
And I looked around
And saw the life I was in.
Appreciated what I'm in control of,
and simply smiled at what I'm not.

I hope that you regret it,
because all I can hold out for is your apology.
I can't move forward,
I want to remember you kind, not destructive.
Please
don't leave it this way.

Liars lie
Disguise ugly with a veil they see as more beautiful
Pleasing
Sometimes, I like liars

The air will ******* choke you
if you let it. 
Will you? Will you constrain your
zeal, drive, affection and all that
could be tangible
into the span of the atmosphere?
Try freeing your mind,
let it experience what you hold out of reach. 
Don't choke yourself.

I like it when a poem is raw;
a diamond in the rough. 
To read the tears as they were
written, not revised
thats ultimate. 
My poetry isn't meant to be
flawless,
its meant to be honest.

"Talk to you soon" 
goodbye for now. 
But when is soon? 
Soon by my standards,
or yours?
Soon enough that light will last
from our last
'til the next?
How long until you'll kiss my neck again?
Will my tired heart last the span of absence until then?
"Talk to you soon, I love you"

The curve of his lips fit mine
pull away
hold.
His palm cradles my cheek
lips again
"soft today"
again,
gentle movements.
His hair tickles between my fingers.
His eyes pierce mine with love,
they scream every affection he feels.
Lips.
lips on my nose
cheek
jawbone
eyelid.
Then they utter what only I
will know.
I turn with a smile and close the door.

What has the world become,
when zombies have jumped out of their TV screens.
Faces of men in the streets of Miami,
have been gnawed off by human teeth.

Bath salts empower the mind.

And now "zombie" is dead;
shooters introduced him to his grave.
Do they have that right?

Sweet world, there are sinister things living within your confines.

Stop crying, stupid girl
it's for the self-pitied and the weak
your time for weeping is done
now get back on your feet.

Stop crying, stupid girl
no harm has been inflicted on you
continue to wear that heart on your sleeve
send me a letter from where it gets you.

Stop crying, stupid girl
its much to far away
to dwell on things that can't be changed
it's a game only fools will play.

Stop crying, stupid girl
and look into the reflection
you know that this girl isn't you
now, bring yourself back to perfection.

Just sit there
and speak of me.
Look at me out of the corner of your eye.
Make yourself
feel better
about your lacking intelligence.
Think
that I care.
Think
that you're affecting me.
Please, continue to practice this skill
that you will carry with you for your lifetime.
Seeing as it the only one you possess
I applaud you for finding it.
But
while you are wasting your time
on things you
think
you're accomplishing.
I am here.
With the one I love.
Perfectly unaffected by your
attempt
at cruel words.

Streaming through your chest,
is a whirlpool of endlessness,
an endlessness of possibility,
a possibility of feeling.

A feeling which lifts you high,
from the world the eye sees,
the eye sees the bitter life,
bitter life of sheep-like people.

Sheep-like people move along,
through a twisted vicious circle,
a vicious circle created by the sly,
the sly foxes who play for gain.

But gain by play you don't,
for you see past all the nonsense,
nonsense is the name of the game,
the game that you won't play.

You won't play, you won't be herded,
for in your chest there's a whirlpool,
a deep heavy whirlpool of endlessness,
an endlessness of wise awareness.