When may I start to see beauty in my scars?
How long will it take to reassemble these broken parts?
How will I know when I’m healed enough for love?
And where can I go when the quiet isn’t enough?

Why do I find myself craving something chaotic?
Where do I get off yearning for something toxic?
Where has my anger gone and when will it come back?
Who am I without it? What’s my goal? Where’s my defense?

When will the sun come out on my misery?
Will anyone have me with my ****** up history?
May I ever have peace without a lion’s share of effort?
Will my heart ever emerge from this comfortable desert?

I know I look bullet proof
I know I roll like a stone
I know it seems like I can take a punch
I know I look good on my own

And on my worse days
I believe it too
I don’t mind
Being a punching bag
I can take it all
On my worse days

What is strength anyway?

I wonder how much I’ve forgotten because it wasn’t a shop of horrors.
I wonder if it’s common to have a deep wanting for the one who gave you your many traumas.
I wonder how thrilling the darkness could be if I went back into it again.
I wonder how I can be a victim when I cultivated so much of the excitement.

I wish I could spend some nights with you without opening Pandora’s box.
I wish I could still know you and still love you, but I cannot.
I wish you hadn’t hurt me and hadn’t left me so destroyed.
I wish I could still share you my melancholy and feel so understood.

I feel heartbroken when I think of you as a terrified little boy.
I feel such grief that you were robbed of love before you had a choice.
I feel overcome with loss when I remember our ride or die ethos.
I feel regret that despite my efforts there was just no saving us.

I miss the times we walked along the streets of coloured leaves.
I miss we the way it was to sit in the silence and feel the beauty.
I miss the time we went up north and smiled in the cool of the water.
I miss the music we listened to when we drove, a pair of marauders.

I think the part that hurts the most is mourning it all without you.
I think if I could do it all again I wouldn’t choose to never know you.
I think the time alone I have is well spent when I reflect upon us.
I think I needed to learn from you and our time together, albeit unjust.

I listen to our music from the days we drove along riverside boulevards.
I listen to the words you used to tell me, ringing in my ears, pulling me apart.
I listen for the rev of your motorcycle and the freedom we together felt.
I listen for sounds of peace to come along and save me from myself.

I feel so sad though you’re a street away I can’t just come to see you.
I feel apprehensive when I’m out on the town I might happen upon you.
I feel estranged from the you that you were for yesterday you were a shadow of yourself.
I feel so angry all the time - unrelentingly - there’s nothing else.

I marvel at how often we laughed despite our loneliness and pain.
I marvel at how passionate we were about a love that wasn’t ok.
I marvel at how long it’s been since the memory of you made me cry.
I marvel at how damaged I am from a man who made me so high.

I dreamt of you last night
The way we talked easily
I dreamt of you last night
Your lips, they almost had me

What is it about you?
Stirs my deepest core
What is it about you?
Drove me to give up more and more

I could walk down the street
I could knock on your door
I could walk down the street
Let you have me once more

Nothing’s beat it yet
The way you touched my body
Nothing’s beat it yet
Intimacy that was also camaraderie

I think you ruined me
Won’t find that violence again
I think you ruined me
I don’t rest, I can’t see, it won’t end

In this moment I don’t hate you
Might even say I miss you
In this moment I don’t hate you
Might even say I loved you

I’m better now
But I miss the war
I’m better now
Won’t go back, I swore

How sick am I?
Want you to rip me apart
How sick am I?
You might still have my heart

Maybe I’m just lonely
Body is buzzing for your touch
Maybe I’m just lonely
One night wouldn’t be too much

You hurt me badly
But I haven’t had enough
You hurt me badly
I still crave you loving me rough

I crave a gentle love
Often you did that too
I crave a gentle love
Mind to mind, we were one from two

I need a surrender
And I think you would be a fight
I need a surrender
So you’ll get only my mind this night

In these warm peninsula winds
I’m reminded of driving with you
The leaves colourful on the fields
In those times, we were peaceful too

On those days we were too tired
To carry on the war
So instead we drove in silence
An unspoken armistice unfolding in a car

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad
It just was and that was enough
Although you tore me apart through the years
Many times, in a car, we were just us

For too many years gone by
You were the one that I loved
It wasn’t good, it wasn’t healthy,
it wasn’t even real
But to me, you were all that there was

Now these memories live inside me
In places only I can know
Although were I to let you in on it
To you too these moments would be known

“I’ve had enough pain for a lifetime.”

She’ll hurt again,
no doubt,
but maybe she won’t go looking for it this time.

She was the storm chaser
proving her strength
to none but herself.

“The bigger, the badder, the better.”

Now she relates more to soldiers
than she could to anyone intact.
Flashbacks abound,
she’s what you might call a damaged girl.

Maybe it’s low self worth;
maybe she’s stubborn as hell;
maybe she only feels her power
when she’s at war.

“Oh fuckity ****!”

She’s so broken now;
she’s so sad now;
she’s so afraid now.
“I think I’m broken now.”

Who broke this storm chaser?

It’s a feat to scare the fearless;
it’s a talent to break the strong.
You should be proud of yourself:
you’re a special kind of *******
if “you broke the storm chaser.”

I feel a foreign insecurity
washing over me
comes in waves;
the ground is moving under my feet

I feel off balance
my skin feels wrong;
am I dissociating?
am I just raw?

That girl I was
seems dead and gone
I need a revival
…
but I can’t bear it
it all feels false

I’ll don my silver hoops
and my top knot;
put on my velvet shoes
pretend I’m hot

But it won’t do
this **** I’m used to;
acting ghostly
to hide the black and blue

I’m so ****** divided
between 17 and 43
it left a hole in me
and that’s where I’m tryna be
now

To fill myself up
fill my own needs;
stop thinkin ‘bout you
and think about me

Learn to love me;
learn to lift me;
learn to hold me;
learn to carry me
intentionally

I’ve been strong
and now I’m broken, I guess
that’s what happens
when he’s an adult
and you were a kid