I thought I knew exactly what I wanted
I thought I was the one who had **** figured out
You see those girls who wear too much makeup and laugh too loud and don't really speak their mind because they don't want to be judged
I was never one of them
Feminist some would say
****
I prefer independent
But I'm ******* 19 years old
And I am totally changing my path
I have no ******* clue
what I want
where I want to be
how I want to live my life
And everyone is constantly in my ear telling me how much I'm going to amount to
How talented I am
How lovely I am
**** that
Tell me what to ******* do
Tell me not to worry
Tell me everything is going to be okay
I don't want all this spoonful of sugar *******
I want to make the right choice
I think this is why I've always been slightly suicidal
The anxiety of life is almost
Almost
Too much to bear

And you know what calms me down?
Brushing my teeth
And thinking about you

**** that

I was naked
encompassed in You
******* (of course) about how I
hated having to put my clothes
back on
Nevertheless
I crawled out of Your grasp
scoured Your room for the bits of
cloth that had been so
passionately ripped off but hours ago
And, in my naked oblivion,
You watched
Or was it gazing? For gazing
requires feeling
I felt those deep green eyes
my body clenched
my heart pounded
I felt You burning a hole into
my spine
my bare ***
my chilled arms
What?
You are just the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
That was it.
I placed my heart delicately
in Your palm as though I was
giving a small child a kitten
The ******* was useless
no clothes were worth that day
only my smile
and believing I was beautiful
for the very first time.

there are a lot of words that begin with un
and
most of them ****

unlucky unloved uninvited unaccepted unachieved unacknowledged uncomfortable  unadmired unheard

but there is one word that starts with those two letters
that can make things all better

understood

At 12 years old I learned that love
wasn’t forever
I sat
and I watched
as my makers fell apart
& the only thing I could do was
Cry

At 14 I found love for myself
I was
young &
all it took was a mutual hug over
our lack of god
& I was absolutely and entirely
hooked

At 15 I was broken on my own,
but at 16 I was truly destroyed
there was cheating
& lying
& new girlfriends to be had
& once more I was reminded of
love’s
expiration date

17 and I thought I’d give
love another shot
but that was not for a person
however, for the substances said
person could fill me with
& I danced
& laughed
& was left again to my
guilt & self-loathing

I am 18 now
and I hate
love.

You’re really cute
I believed that
Because you were 18 and I was 14 and you loved me
And though I was just a lamb
Being lured into the trap of a
Lion
I followed
In the dark our lips became one
The lion pulled the lamb on top of him and the lamb
followed
Did you know that yours were the first lips mine had ever met?
Did you even know the color of my eyes?
Don’t worry
we can play a game
you can tell me when to stop
The lamb told you to stop
But the lion pretended not to listen and only pawed more aggressively
When the lamb grew the courage to get off the lion
and pull his paw out of her pants
and her pants up over her knees
the lion roared
Fine
Whatever
Your ****’s not shaved and your stomach’s not flat enough for me anyway
That’s gross
And I believed that
Because you were 18 and I was 14 and you loved me.
I still believe that
Because yours were the first lips mine ever met
The first lips that told me they loved me

my Dreams are too big for my
head
She said
I told Her
but Darling those are the best
Ones
for Dreams inside heads have
no room to grow
no sunlight to feed on
no water to drink
but Dreams that burst through
can shoot up to the sky
can spread like vines
and bloom like gardenias
the only thing better,
I said
than a Dream that is too big
is a Dream that becomes
real

He consumes my mind
He eats at my soul
He sprinkles our memories like salt on scrambled eggs
He cuts at every bit of independence I have

Because I want nothing more than to be one with him
To sit deep in his stomach
Make him full with love

I want my love to be his favorite food
And I want to feed him every day.