all the **** I've been through

pain,suffering,loss

these words cannot describe what i feel

anger, stupidity, blame

all these things I've turned to

fear, death, peace

a loss of ones self is the road to peace, when we have lost everything, only then can we begin to accept that which we can not control. open your eyes. close your mouth, listen. the old are the wise and the youthful age dies young. forget what you think you know, we don't know what we really want in this life. there is no deeper meaning. were here to pro-create and die. there is a another side to the coin, however most people dont take the time to find it.

have deep meaningful relationships with everyone you call your friend and a few that you don't call your friends. don't make enemies, keep your nose clean and it will all work out in the end. thats *******! we die unhappy full of apathy. no one tries to better there selves, we think by buying a bunch of crap we don't need defines who we are. what we do in this life, the relationships we create with other souls, with other humans. thats how we should be remembered. "he was always nice." "he went out of his way to help others." "he was a good man/woman."

life is about moments shared with another person. be social. find your true self. become one with your soul. I've felt disconnected from my soul for so long, my dreams are filled with out of body experiences, where I'm watching myself do something instead of participating. we've all lost contact with ourselves. its never too late, late is such a profound word isn't it. finalizing everything. even this rant.

As i climbed the shadowless mountain
her voice still ringing in my ears,
that laugh, a child's laugh, with eyes of a demon
with claws that rip and tear
the mountain was tall
its rock face steep
i slipped many times
my hands cracked and bleeding
i forced myself further up
on wards toward the sky
what is this great mountain that i climb?
i ask myself, why lust?
why do i torture myself, with her memory.
Her haunting demands,
her unquenchable taste for desire
its a fools journey
love(lust) never lasts
love (lust) will leave you broken
yet we return to love(lust)
like an old faithful dog
until i reach the top of the great mountain of love(lust)
ill keep searching
bandaging my wounds
along my path of life

night escapes the morning
moon leaves the stars behind
my thoughts pass through,
the window of time
like shadows that move
with no human counterparts
i am a memory
lost within a spy
to those who killed
without question
or spoke of me in lies
so i break their backs
across open seas
I split their souls
from their bodies
and
devour them piece
by piece

I hate kids!
my girlfriend said to me
I love my children very much she says!
i just hate the things they say
they do not listen
allie is 2 and lilly is 3
they dont know what they do
they just do it
they make messes
and make their mother curse
I hate kids! she tells me
I love my children very much she says!
this is the way she copes
the way we all cope
because we all used to be 2 or 3
making messes
im 32 and i still make messes
my messes are easier to clean up
i love as well as i can
children love without regard
we could learn a lot from kids 2 or 3

Part I

All at once the light was blinding,
and he said, "Come forth and be saved"
"What is this place?" the man asked.
"You are to be judged for your sins."
"who shall judge me?" the man asked. "who here in this place of light?"
"The Almighty one, your god."
"I have no god, priest." the man spoke, "is it to be hell then?"
"god does not **** anyone, he forgives all."
"what is your purpose?" angrily the man asked. " the breeze through the trees has purpose, the oceans have drive."
the man paused letting the priest reflect on his comments.
"what is your purpose?" the man asked the priest.
"I welcome all new souls to this place, here they await passage through these gates."
"So i died then, dead, how did it happen?"
"your heart stopped beating while you were eating your breakfast.
you were dead before you finished your toast." The priest spoke with a sly smile.
" I have no memory of such a thing, a trick, a joke.
this place is a fabrication in a dream, any moment i will awake in my room or a slumber in my chair or bed"
Moments passed and the priest said nothing, he just stood and watched the man, studied him.
"time is infinite here, you ask all the questions you have. thats why i am here. to help you understand." the priest spoke.
" memories, i have no memories, why can i not remember anything from my life?"
"once you pass through these gates, you will attain all your memories."
"then what difference does all this make, if i will be admitted into this heaven, all my questions are in vein."
The priest confused, spoke, "all your questions are to help you understand, where you are and what has happened to you."
the priest walked back and forth studying his hands with a sly smile.
" why do you smile, priest?" angry once again the man spoke.
"I smile because i know of gods love."
"if your god is so divine, why the slaughter, why the pain, the killing, all in his name. are we puppets, with no real control of our lives.
will we come to this heaven regardless of how we live our lives.
I'm not a man of faith, faith is for those who fear god, not welcome him."
"all he ask's is that you believe in him, thats it, nothing more." the priest opened his arms as if to offer love.
"I do not want his love, I do not want anything. I led a good life on earth, if my time was up, then so be it.
I did not want to move on to this place. I wanted my soul to join the thousands of others, oblivious to its plight."
Angrily the man pointed a finger at the priest, "not everyone wants to go to heaven!"

In the mist of the morning
I lose my way
Through the haze and the fog
I must find a way
Dutiful and progress are my lock and key
The day wears on
My soul wears thin
My shadow I cast is long and proud
Am i the only one
Who is happy to be alive
I'm driven by no purpose
No sense of self release
My language i speak
Is that of the murdered
the meager and the weak
The universe in infinite
our lives are so very short
to live a full life
on this plane we call earth

I have fears yes i do
but there mostly silly
like me and you
a fear of a spider  
fear of the dark
such a silly thought
theres nothing in the shadows
so what do we fear
our own selves
perhaps its simpler
who knows
i have fears yes i do
we wont tell you
you have no clue
your to afraid to ask
to get to close
we wont hurt you
i have fears yes i do