this time away from your good heart
has made me
appreciate the warmth of your neck.
here I am with you again,
reminded constantly
that I am always by the sea.

who were you to bend to him like that.

do you remember those days
when you knew where that thirst came from?
Now tell me what moves you.

The divine twilight.
the blue the blue the blue
The soft turn into midnight

You knew it from a lifetime ago -
She comes around sometimes.

you weren't perfect then
But you were so much more than enough
And every time I see the sun i sense you.

you are a lilac dream.
a sunset,
the stars,
everything.

I want to write this out so i remember.



again, i am left to defend.
my guarded words against your flailing knives
i tell you all the time,
this is not how to fight.
we drive the rest of the way in silence.
I wont let you free this time.

_____

my silence upsets you.
you begin your tirade into absolute chaos.
i laugh at your dissolution
i can't help it,
i don't cry anymore.
how many times can i hear
that i am only here to annoy you.
that my kindness doesn't matter
to your solid, unforgiving bones.
i tried to make a home for you
time and time over.
i've cooked to your dreams, and cared for, and cleaned.
but again, i am left with only a dismissal,
a distain i've only felt by you.
i sleep on the couch more than my bed.
i don't want to feel you reach for me at night.

-you haven't apologized yet.
_____

this morning came the sorry.
an apology through text.
i would call that an empty one,
attempting to brush under
what you've done.
another rule is for me to forgive you,
another rule is to not talk to you at work.
but i don't,
and i don't.

today you can sit with my silence,
until you're home and i am ready.
to listen to your plea to forgive you
for the fifteen years you've put me through.

but that will never come
and i will just float through this world i've made for myself
in a gauzy dress
with my paintbrush and a palette,
and all my hours to myself.
but that will never come.
_______

i'll find myself again, in a distant year,
in another November's sun.
without child and without love
muttering "what have i done".

knowing this entire time,
you would do this to me.

where would you sit if you were here?
would you tangle your hands
in fabrics and in bread?
would you roast a bird
on christmas?
                     

  -would you make your son
and daughters speak?


your fierce mind and tender heart melded this child of yours and i need you as my guide.

please tell me of this person i've cared for.
please tell me where he fits into my bones.
can he ever nestle easily into my skin?
no, i've tried everything
how can i help to ease into this
when all i need is to push him
into the decent steps of
humankind.
of woman, of man, of child, and child, and child.
i come to you, my distant mother to tell you
your son is not well sometimes.

i miss you and i don't know you, and i miss you.
and your daughters miss you
and they have daughters now.
their world stopped when you left, and i feel like i've been trying to pick up his pieces
but they fall through my palms,
like fingers gripping sand.
he's dropped so many along the way, but i'm trying.


but now i feel more mother than woman.

i can't be the only one
to see the night flower blooming.
i tell you, and i doubt

you have ever tasted
the electric
      blend of mouth and neck
i cannot be the only one.

i open a window to let all the light in-
maybe that might move you
to feel the morning
with me.
i'm sorry, is this light too sharp
for you?
      because i need a longer light than that.


Oh, my heavy heart.
look how this does nothing for you.


then when the rain comes
i savour at the river,
at the street below.
there’s a stickiness here.
does the river move upstream tonight?
(was it doing that yesterday?)


          I get used to this silence from you
         but there's a change here
         this doesn't feel like May


i am forced to take in your shadows.
now all that's left there for me to sift through -
woven into my limbs, my eyes, my mouth.

where you've put this limit on yourself.           
where i know nothing more than to
absorb it.

i've come to learn
you can’t force away the dread in your eyes,
as you can’t take away these apathetic months
left here to shuffle through and define.

(it would all just be to try,
it wouldn’t be to feel).


      and thats not enough for me.




i've slowly uncurled my fingers
from your twine-y hair
and all of your questions.
Haven’t you noticed how?

this is my home
and
i want you to leave now.
i want you
to pack away your things,
take your flag and your cup and your dread.
i want you to leave your thoughts of me at the door.


those belong to me
and you are not welcome.
i need to take in this view alone


I’m alone in Delphi
I’m alone in Delphi
with the woman I’ve been forced to be.








(I’ll see you for the last time when the sun sets along the bends of your old home. The mounds of dirt and marble will crumble before I will ever come back. And I feel that would be nothing more than everything I need).

another day by the river
thats just me and the water
i pretend that its only me
i pretend its only me.

i fight like the present
coming back to my salvation
i dream that it is over
that its me and the water
its just me and the water.

but i cant, i cant fight you
your body's always there.
between my river and the outcome
your body's always there.

i dream that the water
will free me to existence
where its me and the river
and you're somewhere only drifting.
i know i've done enough
i know you've left me bleeding
i dream of the water
of the river, of my bleeding.

i see you on my water
i see me only bleeding.
and a bird flying over
and the rest i'll give the river.

where can i lay my old hands
these days
35 seems so close.

i haven't had a child
i feel like an orphan.
my music doesn't suit me
i'm too young to feel this old
i never moved to new york
i never started my band
i never painted for hours
with oils,
and gouache.
i never loved you,
i never held you like a lover,
i held my own body too closely.
i watched my hours
too swiftly
you are not enough for me

oh here i leave you everything;
my gentle comfort and the way i used to love you

ill leave you with my questions
my "can i's",
i'll take back my keys
and the decade of my woman
You made things so hard

okay, okay I’ve had enough
2003 was so long ago
And it’s all I remember.
How much more can I take of this time