120 beats per minute and I can’t stop thinking about you
It is the moments I lay under these sheets and
The moments I spend alone
I am tossing and turning with unattainable relief
My lips resembling a dog’s chew toy
Because there are so many words that I cannot say
But I can bite them into morse code on my skin

I am groaning, exasperated, the light beginning to pour in from behind those blinds
6am and I still can’t stop thinking about you

The delicacy of your words flutters and lands upon me like a butterfly
Pounding headaches and strife towards euphoria
All leading towards the realization that
Oblivion is inevitable  
And facing death is much simpler
Than telling you the way I feel
Because I can think about life and ponder about death
but I still can’t stop thinking about you too

I can’t stop thinking
Not about your warm brown eyes
The warmest I’ve ever seen
Or the tone your voice takes when
you begin to explain something to me
And the smooth skin behind your neck
And the taste of your lips
Will have me up all day
Because I sure as hell didn’t sleep last night

I am in some sort of paradoxical tortured pleasure
that picks me up and pummels me down
With each profound effect of your words
Ringing in my ears and
Having my pillow greet my face
For another night of painful thoughts about the pleasure of you

when i asked you to take me away from

myself you only asked how,

and didn’t sigh like the others

or turn away from me faster than the tide pulls back

from a reluctant shore

i don’t know why i kept coming back

but i’m glad i did and

you didn’t know either but

you accepted me anyways

and eventually grew in my direction

it’s a mystery i’ll never solve why you’re as precious as you are

i will tend to the flower of you

as long as my joints will glide

above our heads the sky is lit up

and it never goes dark

like my mind that is always thinking of you

even at night when the stars come out

my dreams tense up when you appear

i want to be alone with you, untouchable, untraceable, to run my fingers down your spine, kiss your neck, feel truly with you, somewhere no one can touch us, invincible, you’re mine, i want to envelope you in my arms and in my love, i want to lay beside you, exhausted, breathing heavily but still managing to giggle endlessly, endlessly, i want to be with you endlessly, i don’t want the giggles to go away and i don’t want the feeling of being together with our true selves to falter and fade

i want to be alone with you, you inspire me to greater reaches i ever envisioned previously, you are my muse and my drive, occupying my thoughts and my feelings. i want to be with you.

it has been
another night

another night of a dimly lit bedroom filled with incense and the
sad sound of fingers hitting a keyboard, scrawling words onto paper
in a desperate attempt to get out everything i need to say to you

this, this immense loneliness
seemingly irreversible solitude
is greeted by your silence
and i am too ******* stupid
i am so, so ******* stupid
for ever allowing myself to feel close to someone again

but you snuck up on me,
you truly did
it was not something i could sit and think about thinking about
you came up behind me
and you swept me away to another place
the euphoria of all ecstasy and the emotions
i am so full of
are driving me wild

wild,
like the nature that surrounds us
wild,
like my hair when we go 90 on 595

i feel small and vulnerable and scared. i feel out of control of the way i feel. admitting this makes me want to cry. i can no longer attempt to put this into an artful form. from now on it will be raw.

my mind is absolutely racing. i want you so badly, badly like the power of ten thousand storms that shake my windows on summer nights home alone with only cartoons making sound in the house, cartoons that scare the **** out of me in four in the morning when the tornado drills come on

i need to have you in my life because i dont want pain. pain is something we all have to experience though, and if you dont want to be a part of my life, or at least not as i want you to be, then i have to accept it. and more than just accepting it, i have to realize it is okay to move on. i just really thought you were something special, i still do think this, and i just

you leave me with such a void

i wish you knew

and i know that it is stupid

so i bury it very very deep

and i feel

very very sad

and i feel

very blue

and sometimes my teenage body ponders things
like why a pretty girl would ever be depressed
and why the humanity of things is the way it is

why is it okay to care for animals more than humans?
there are bees in the air and statues in the grass
i've got to thinking, been thinking and thinking
i'm a ******* in my own way

eruptions of jealousy, waves of rage
and that final shake of an earthquake
why should i be the one to feed the machine
when the world around me gave me some kind of need

i climb trees with my eyes
and i scale the branches of your heart with every word that you say
toes grasping rough bark,
splintering with amor oozing from the depths of my soul into yours
the conquerors of the forest wrangle the beasts roaming the fields of empty affection

you will (kiss me) not remember me as i (love you) do,
time ends and this love will fade

“one flew east, one flew west, one flew over the cuckoo’s nest”

A crackle at the sight of dawn. I am freshly broken, a new day to start off completely aching. I rise, a few bones in my arms splintering through scabbed over, stitched together skin as I stretch out my newly beaten up embodiment. My ribs snap as I take my first deep breath of the day which punctures my heart and lungs. The internal bleeding causes blood to spurt out from my mouth as I am brushing my teeth, which then shatter as I try to delicately clean them. I look in the mirror and I look perfect. The muscles in my legs begin to spasm, and my body collapses on itself as it can no longer support the weight of destruction. One’s self is the only parasite that exists. It is now time to begin a brand new day.

I want to feel the silky smooth luxury that is your skin
I want to be engulfed in your pleasure, it is all I want to see, and hear, and feel
The universe is ours for the taking
I want to be driven mad by pleasure
I want it to infect my existence
If pleasure is my drug, then love is but a symptom*
I crave feeling the smoothness of your skin and tracing my fingers along the side of your body and intend to look to you with loving eyes, loving eyes that don’t hold anything. I will not allow myself nor do I bare interest towards falling in love yet it is those moments I crave the most. I want to be in love without being in love. It has never been easy for me. I continually feel discouraged or doubtful and there are always anchors to my love that keep it from being free. I fool myself into thinking it is lust, what I want- but it is far from that. I yearn for love just as any human but I want to know someone without knowing someone.

you have a sort of frightening beauty, i thought, and moved my hands down your sides. not in a way that’s scary, but in a way that really makes you stop. and listen. i’m listening to the way you look tonight. i’m hearing everything i’ve ever wanted to hear. it’s like observing for the first time, myself, a child visiting you, the museum, or noticing the vibrant and voracious appearance of something you’ve never really looked at before. that’s what makes it frightening. the way you could pass by something a million times and never once really look at it. and when you do, perceptions of anything but the entrancing allurement stop. you are that way, except i know you, i know your face, your body, the way your lips lock into mine, and the hard lines that outline your jaw. i could go on and on describing each perfect square inch of your figure. you’re radiant.

then you looked at me and your eyes turned golden, and oh how in that instant i thought about how i knew you like i knew god, which is all too well, yet as though i’d never even seen anything like your kind of beauty before, every single time my eyes fall onto you. i said, “get naked and come into bed with me” and you responded “don’t tell me what to do” before  taking your clothes off and wrapping into those soft blankets with me.

HOLY
THE FIRST TIME WE KISSED
HOLY
THE SKIN ON YOUR BACK
HOLY
OUR VEHEMENT PASSION
HOLY
CARESSING YOUR FACE IN THE BACKSEAT OF YOUR CAR


HOLY
THE ADDICTION WE SHARE
KISSING YOUR LIPS

HOLY*

THERE IS NO HOLY

THERE IS ONLY YOU & I

STANDING HERE NAKED

STANDING HERE WITHOUT YOU

THERE IS NO HOLY

I don’t like my name but I love the way it sounds next to yours. There are billions of things I’ll never understand, like the time, and space, and why I love you as much as I do. I may not understand much, but the way your lips move when you say my name, darling that solves all of nature’s and man’s mysteries combined.

If I could still shut my eyes tight in a stroller
gliding through an amusement park,
with the belief that death won’t ever lay a cruel finger on me,

If I could only see the way your words twirl in the air,
complement mine over the satellite waves of our hearts
When we speak, our words collide and dance, and billions of atoms split into two.

You are the goal I’m trying to reach,
all I want to sense and suffer through
The world surrounds us with it’s restless prying
I am joyed with you beside me, I feel right, I feel glory


Romulus is the son of Mars,
you’re beautiful

unfinished

i have never believed in god
and never will
but i do believe in love
and jesus christ, the way you make me feel
so holy
like the pews that line the path to redemption
the stained glass shining down on the collective belief of something else being out there
i will pray for you because you
are the closest thing to god
i have ever believed in

kiss my lips

kiss my hips

make me slip

head over heels for you

Our souls will dance for all the times our bodies didn’t
Teeth leaving unfelt wounds upon the lips and tongues of mouths that will never
speak the words I am dying to say
Diction that travels in sound waves that will never pass your ears

i am bursting at the seams with trying to say i love you

i spell i l-o-v-e y-o-u wherever i go

i write down small i love yous on every paper that passes me

and every surface i come in contact to

so that maybe the message will travel those 365 miles

and you will know that i love you

because i just can’t say it

and my lips are lacerated with holding in all the times i wanted to tell you what i simply could not

my knuckles have been cracked one too many times

and small teeth marks on my tongue show the words i am not able to say

i love you it spells out distinctly on my skin

on my homework

on the backs of credit card bills and on foggy car door windows

i love you

and i can tell the entire world

but i can’t tell you

as long as my fingers

are entwined in yours

and i see the soft curls of your hair

beside me

i will know that everything is okay


and even after you’re gone

your smell resides in my sheets

maybe you’re always here

and maybe everything is always okay

The winter was cold
And so were you
But I grabbed your icy arm and
placed it around my shoulders

You did not protest,
yet you did not caress
My heart warmed the both of us as
I sang for you and we grew warmer

There is no tomorrow, my dear
Today is only fleeting,
I'm in love, sing with me
You said I don't know, can you show me how?

I took your frostbitten palm, and
placed it on each of my cheeks as I
said to you, show me just how you feel
But expressionless eyes tell not
of the fortunes inside

Down to the beach now and
we are dancing and singing,
showing me that being human is okay
because the hippies beside us don't give a ****
and neither do we

Two months later and there are
crystalized droplets forming and rolling
down, down, down
to the indentations on the side of my neck,
where it is always warm
and where your fingers used to call home

devoid of all social constraints- we begun to see for the very first time, with everything up in the clouds except our bodies that intertwine to fit into each other
as if they were

molded | that | way

or perhaps meant to be that way
and i must say, it is a true sight to be pulsating right by your flesh, my blood flowing under all this skin, adjacent to your blood and veins and skin, a real pleasure to breathe your air and smell your hair, feel the sheets and skin and sheets and skin, eyes of danger filled with pure want

i wanted you more than the power of a natural disaster ravaging entire continents

“yes”

within milliseconds i was sent to pure ecstasy, a state of delirium, passion, mania, vehemence with our every shared breath in the ardor of our movements- the voracity i felt to induce pleasure upon you was boundless, is boundless

the fervor of our bodies shimmered in streetlight illuminated glazes, and our flickering eyes shimmered with careless impetuosity for anything but inducing pleasure on one another

the absolute delight that comes with inhabiting your existence is ample for my eternal contentment

your beauty captures me,
beauty like yours resembles the feeling of relief,
the feeling preceding extreme pain
when your body sends out a warm embrace throughout your body
like a comforting hug from mother nature to ensure you
that you are still alive,
the pain is gone,
and you are still breathing

your beauty is warm
and envelopes me whenever your benign eyes glance in my direction
grasping around my body and then you blink,
blink,
blink

i tear through time,
lacerate every last second that holds us from each other
there is not anything that holds me from you but wasted time, corroding away and creating a gap in time in which i am once again in your presence.

all i ask from you is your lips holding onto mine, and for the seconds that i experience you to drag out across days and days.

The other day
In English class
My feet were itchy
So I got up
Walked around
And even scratched them for gods sake
But the itching
Would not go away
We read articles about oppressive society
And androcentric culture
But no distraction could make the itch leave
After the bell rang, I got up
But I did not go to my next class
Instead
I rose from my seat with my itchy feet
And walked to New Zealand and back
I crossed oceans and stepped through valleys
And mountains
And deserts
And streams
And there was not one thing
In this whole ******* world that I didn’t see
And that was when
I noticed that my feet had stopped itching
Or
at least
Not as much as before

A voice says your name in my head
Strong and sharp, pronounced and definite
Your name lies within my heart, within my soul
You and I plus all the stars and the sky
Are beyond what is infinite
We keep the city bustling at night
Our love can power an entire town
With passion so intense, it could devastate a country
and intimacy so raw and pure, it could blind millions
There is only one way to live
in
Life,
and I’ll tell you by pressing my lips unto yours
The ecstasy of our shared bodies
Rides upon everything I see, touch, think, or feel
My lips show the marks of my teeth biting
Down because of all the things I hold
Back from you and do not say
Hoping that with every shared kiss my
Thoughts will be poured onto yours
And I will never have to say the things
That I want to say to you
because
They will scare you (they already have)
And I want to hold you close to me
Without exposing the way
I feel

Please, please know that I
Only care to feel the shape of your body with my fingertips
and to see
that you feel the
same

Within 2 months, I know your body like I know how to ride my bicycle and
Punks like us don’t love often
Punks like us rebel
Punks like us
And darling, I repel all forces, but you’re one force I can’t rebel
Brilliance when I see you

Our love can fill all the empty space around the galaxy
And I orbit you, like two planets that can’t get enough of each other,
Orbit you like I was born to love you
Born to know you in and out
Know your love like the alphabet that floats around in this soup
And I love you.

please teach me quantum mechanics and the way particles of light move through space
i am begging you to lecture me on your views of hedonism, nihilism, and every kind of-ism you can think of
grab me by the hips and pull me in close,
lean in and let me feel your hot breath, and kiss the tales of all kinds of fiction stories onto words on my neck
i want to be taught every kind of thing i dont already know
and well versed in every type of poetry out there

allow me to digress, if only momentarily, the gravitational pull of the situation at hand
my heart is aching in a different form tonight
my thoughts move from place to place
just like an indecisive snake
the dawning of not achieving expectations
of where i want to be
if only modest ones
have calls to action
not beautiful, where do i go from here?
i have stored up hatred among the jarred feelings i cannot express
i cannot even admit them
to myself
i recognize that i feel a certain way but i do not accept;
this method of expression is my sole form of ventilation
i’m shouting out into the skies,
pedaling on my bicycle
i cant find my feelings anywhere
they arent where they are supposed to be

that night i stripped my inhibitions
i only wore my nervous laughter that night
still carrying energy from the harrowing experiences atop great highways held moments before
the day of excitement turned into a relaxed adventure
hopping the fence was the hardest part
but soon after,
the water slid onto my skin like a pair of old shoes. nothing had felt more natural in my entire life. the clarity of the liquid made no secret of the slopes that line my sides, and the bareness of my being simply was. the bubbles that rose to greet me with a pop! flourished as if the big bang was happening all over again, in the form of a great teenage girl jumping into a pool. everything about it felt vulnerable, and nothing about it made me care.

i like going to sleep with the sweet feeling of you still resonating really loudly within me. you’re like a taste i can’t consume, or an aura i can’t define, invisible breath, visible heartbeat. lay on my breast, let me run my fingers across the outlines, and the valleys of your shape.

Sleep falls over me** like a shade coming down a window, falling delicately, the presence of light no more than a mere disillusionment of sore eyes, with the validity of reality losing importance my thoughts travel in the direction of the unknown; however, what is the unknown but what has yet to be created, sculpted, conditioned into a mad, mindless fiend? or perhaps a warm, enveloping pair of arms ready to engulf me into a hug? I am falling, rising, ascending, drifting, all at once yet I am ever present between my sheets that are smoother than velour. There is no finish and there is no beginning. My days are drawn out dreams, and exhausted at the end of them I relax in order to embark on adventures I remain incapable of, rendered motionless, I enter my true reality.

so much

remember how we got really very lost in st. augustine, and ended up finding somewhere beautiful on unfamiliar beaches, smoking a bowl next to a oceanside bar dimly lit with christmas lights that was playing one good song after another?

remember how you looked at me the first time we intertwined, alone, laid in big fields, and i noted, how your eyes looked like the freshest honey? the air was full of blossoming love

last night i rolled into you and my head fit right into the nook where your arm meets your shoulder. i said, you are like markham park in the winter time. seeing you is like seeing the excitement i had when i first saw snow, and oh how i expected it to resemble big asterisks falling from bloated clouds, because i live in florida, and that’s all i’d seen.

the bitter cold that settles into a comfortable warmth once you slip on another layer leaves me in a satiated daze. my eyes well up with the thought of you. memories of our shared existence streak past my cheeks and drip off my jaw.

we were laying on the floor.

i jolted and you embraced me.

it was night, and i rubbed your nose, just like my favorite song said to do.

The joy
The hope
The passion
The inspiration 
The love
The lust
The hate 
The fervor
The excitement
The hunger
In our eyes and in our hearts
There is no god up there waiting in the night sky for your untimely end, no golden plated greeting, no anything else constructed by an ego so desperate to receive what its morally constructed path should have led him to, him, the dying priest who lays in his pure sheets wondering if there is any heaven at all, doubting his own faith and he will crawl, on all fours towards the tall pews that tower into the thin air that only get thinner and lead to absolutely nothing at all, but why can't they? The universe is my god, and the stars are disciples, as I preach to the Earth and the Earth preaches back, we are all one soul, one entity of time and space combined into different beings of the same spirit. My sisters, my friends, my beloved fellow humans. It is within you in which I have faith, more faith than the dying patient who is first on the list, and more faith than the last person in line who gets to ride that wooden roller coaster and feel like what god might feel, if he were here, soaring on those wild tracks;  we still hear them sometimes, singing the rhythms that correspond directly with the way I feel about you. And they will have sung every last verse before my day is done, in which I will harmonize all I want for the future into one song. One song.

This weekend, something has awakened inside of me. This weekend I have lost my fear. I have fasted and been patient- I have enjoyed the company of my friends and enhanced in their sadness, their happiness, their contributions to the feeling of “whole”. I have seen human nature and kept to myself. I know that throughout all suffering I always have the peace of myself to return to, the inner quiet that speaks to me at night and envelopes me and tells me it will all be okay. There is beauty in the system, the system that lacks courage and strength, where cowards reside, there is also fault. Excellence and prodigious truth lie within nature, tranquility, the placidity and enjoyment of pedestrian life. Over complication does nothing to enhance life or living, and the creation of problematic situations is meaningless in any circumstance. To live and live in the lives of others is where true value lies, and I am settled, I am content.

I want the scent of warm cinnamon, soothing pumpkin, and ginger. I want to taste snickerdoodles and feel the cold biting my nose as warm hot cocoa fills me up. I want to be wrapped in scarves, donned in my winter coat and gloves. I want to march around in the snow and pretend I am a soldier and fall down and make snow angels. I want firey chimney endings to my day, with childlike, innocent anticipation pumping through me. Candles and blankets, a soft and warm voice over an acoustic guitar, the heat of your body under this thin blanket and your chapped lips against mine, is all I want for Christmas.