it has been
another night

another night of a dimly lit bedroom filled with incense and the
sad sound of fingers hitting a keyboard, scrawling words onto paper
in a desperate attempt to get out everything i need to say to you

this, this immense loneliness
seemingly irreversible solitude
is greeted by your silence
and i am too ******* stupid
i am so, so ******* stupid
for ever allowing myself to feel close to someone again

but you snuck up on me,
you truly did
it was not something i could sit and think about thinking about
you came up behind me
and you swept me away to another place
the euphoria of all ecstasy and the emotions
i am so full of
are driving me wild

wild,
like the nature that surrounds us
wild,
like my hair when we go 90 on 595

i feel small and vulnerable and scared. i feel out of control of the way i feel. admitting this makes me want to cry. i can no longer attempt to put this into an artful form. from now on it will be raw.

my mind is absolutely racing. i want you so badly, badly like the power of ten thousand storms that shake my windows on summer nights home alone with only cartoons making sound in the house, cartoons that scare the **** out of me in four in the morning when the tornado drills come on

i need to have you in my life because i dont want pain. pain is something we all have to experience though, and if you dont want to be a part of my life, or at least not as i want you to be, then i have to accept it. and more than just accepting it, i have to realize it is okay to move on. i just really thought you were something special, i still do think this, and i just

you leave me with such a void

i wish you knew

and i know that it is stupid

so i bury it very very deep

and i feel

very very sad

and i feel

very blue

kiss my lips

kiss my hips

make me slip

head over heels for you

and sometimes my teenage body ponders things
like why a pretty girl would ever be depressed
and why the humanity of things is the way it is

why is it okay to care for animals more than humans?
there are bees in the air and statues in the grass
i've got to thinking, been thinking and thinking
i'm a ******* in my own way

eruptions of jealousy, waves of rage
and that final shake of an earthquake
why should i be the one to feed the machine
when the world around me gave me some kind of need

please teach me quantum mechanics and the way particles of light move through space
i am begging you to lecture me on your views of hedonism, nihilism, and every kind of-ism you can think of
grab me by the hips and pull me in close,
lean in and let me feel your hot breath, and kiss the tales of all kinds of fiction stories onto words on my neck
i want to be taught every kind of thing i dont already know
and well versed in every type of poetry out there

allow me to digress, if only momentarily, the gravitational pull of the situation at hand
my heart is aching in a different form tonight
my thoughts move from place to place
just like an indecisive snake
the dawning of not achieving expectations
of where i want to be
if only modest ones
have calls to action
not beautiful, where do i go from here?
i have stored up hatred among the jarred feelings i cannot express
i cannot even admit them
to myself
i recognize that i feel a certain way but i do not accept;
this method of expression is my sole form of ventilation
i’m shouting out into the skies,
pedaling on my bicycle
i cant find my feelings anywhere
they arent where they are supposed to be

The joy
The hope
The passion
The inspiration 
The love
The lust
The hate 
The fervor
The excitement
The hunger
In our eyes and in our hearts
There is no god up there waiting in the night sky for your untimely end, no golden plated greeting, no anything else constructed by an ego so desperate to receive what its morally constructed path should have led him to, him, the dying priest who lays in his pure sheets wondering if there is any heaven at all, doubting his own faith and he will crawl, on all fours towards the tall pews that tower into the thin air that only get thinner and lead to absolutely nothing at all, but why can't they? The universe is my god, and the stars are disciples, as I preach to the Earth and the Earth preaches back, we are all one soul, one entity of time and space combined into different beings of the same spirit. My sisters, my friends, my beloved fellow humans. It is within you in which I have faith, more faith than the dying patient who is first on the list, and more faith than the last person in line who gets to ride that wooden roller coaster and feel like what god might feel, if he were here, soaring on those wild tracks;  we still hear them sometimes, singing the rhythms that correspond directly with the way I feel about you. And they will have sung every last verse before my day is done, in which I will harmonize all I want for the future into one song. One song.

i climb trees with my eyes
and i scale the branches of your heart with every word that you say
toes grasping rough bark,
splintering with amor oozing from the depths of my soul into yours
the conquerors of the forest wrangle the beasts roaming the fields of empty affection

you will (kiss me) not remember me as i (love you) do,
time ends and this love will fade

The winter was cold
And so were you
But I grabbed your icy arm and
placed it around my shoulders

You did not protest,
yet you did not caress
My heart warmed the both of us as
I sang for you and we grew warmer

There is no tomorrow, my dear
Today is only fleeting,
I'm in love, sing with me
You said I don't know, can you show me how?

I took your frostbitten palm, and
placed it on each of my cheeks as I
said to you, show me just how you feel
But expressionless eyes tell not
of the fortunes inside

Down to the beach now and
we are dancing and singing,
showing me that being human is okay
because the hippies beside us don't give a ****
and neither do we

Two months later and there are
crystalized droplets forming and rolling
down, down, down
to the indentations on the side of my neck,
where it is always warm
and where your fingers used to call home