Is it excitement in my mind
That makes me do a little dance at night
That makes me see a bright calming future
Or are those tingles in my stomach alive
Is it excitement in my mind
That makes me glow with happiness
No it's too good to be true
My belly gets big
My feet are swelling
Not much sickness
Although that bourbon did sit badly at the top of my throat
I JUST CAN'T WAIT
Or is it excitement in my mind

Should we ignore the signs
Does God have a sense of humour
Is he always testing our strength
Talk to him maybe the pain will go away
Of the torment of the thoughts he has given us
And the path he has put us down

I took a stroll to the beautiful cathedral
I struggled at first to do so but I breathed in the fresh air and eventually I enjoyed my walk
When I walked into the church I felt welcomed by God and everything started to make sense
All my troubles slowly disappeared

The water tasted like I've never tasted water before
The simple pleasures in life were suddenly more calming
And my sleep was nurturing not restless
I don't want to preach but I was blessed because I went to God out of my own volunteering not because I was forced to.
I felt renewed

I don't know why I fell asleep
The only way I can describe
Not being attached to anyone
No disturbances
Jumping into patterns and cool water
Understanding my faults
Putting trust into something

Like a child I curl up.
I'm doubled over in a mixture of ache and soft comfort
It crawls up to my heart. Heaving and tender.
I just lay there almost paralised waiting for it to pass
I grab a bite to eat and fall asleep

I'm the lowest
I'm not worthy
I'm right
because this is how you make me feel

I can't cook so I must be useless
My brain doesn't function normally
this is how you make me feel

My memory is shattered
and I don't have a mind of my own
I have no talents
this is how you make you feel

You get inside my head and I feel at one with you
this is nice
Then I'm angry and alone
because this is how you make me feel

I say why me
because I don't understand your obsession with me
I jab at you
because I'll never be yours
And then it doesn't make sense anymore

Am I really just a disgusting disease
Maybe someone more like me I should be friends with
You blind me from my reflection because all I can see is you and you are perfection
Can I never be accepted
Will i ever look sweet or nice
Will i ever turn heads
Or am I cursed with this exterior

I could be for only one
Like a sieve maybe what will be left is you
I'm testing your hearts strength
And time is strength

Put your trust in me
Grab me by the arm
Take hold of your insecurities
And doubts of my capabilities

I love it when it's just me and you
I'm not always at one with the wind
Sometimes I'm wrapped up with your presence
And I anticipate your moves
Like this could you be my romance and my partner,
Companion and guide
How will you know unless you try

He doesn't like compliments but I wanted to explain to myself how I felt
So let's start by saying he's got manners
He's everything I'm not
Polite and kind and thinks with his heart
He's got a sense of humour
He demands respect, doesn't scream for it
He makes it look easy
He's humble all the while
And see's beauty in forgotten things
He thinks
All the time
I can't get inside his head
But something tells me there is worry there
I love to see his nerves float around the room in a frenzy
they calm me because at least i know he has a weakness
What is he afraid of?
It's a curse as well as quite endearing
how his mind hesitates around me

it seeps through my face
it burns me up
a surge
i won't be sleeping tonight
a fiend
now i am
i am not afraid for i have been here before

while others are calm and in control
i lose it
i'm screaming for release
but this trap was meant for me
i ride it and create a zone for myself
then i can't get off the ride
till i hit the pillow and crash
it takes days for me to recover

i wake and i feel reborn
i have to heal

I should be so lucky
Where did it all go wrong?
We're not a match because you are much too strong
And anyway it's just a fantasy
Consider things from another point of view
I see birds and tRees.  All the colours of the world
You brought me to life
And so I run to the things I love in desperation to protect the things I've lost along my lonely journey through surviving on a moment with you.
A moment in return for a world of hate and judement.
No we can't be together and it pains me
Why would you consider something much too dangerous for us to go
ahead with
What is the point of breaking my heart  
In this way.
For I have to let go of something I have never so much wanted and can't have and tenderly has made me so happy all at the same time

What if light was kind to night
There would be no fire
What if friends were always far
There would be no distance
What if there was no arguments yet understanding
There would be water
What if colours were individual
Oh bother what if is just my wish.