Sometimes I love you and it's just
Painful
Too painful for me to continue
For me to fathom what's wrong
For me to discern reality from illusions
For me to comprehend your lies.

Sometimes I hate you and it just
*****
Yeah, I said it. Hating you
*****.
Because life is a lie, love is a lie,
My hate for you is a lie-
Or is it the truth?
I don't know anymore.

Sometimes I ignore you and it's just
Pure
Bliss
I close my eyes and ignore you
I clap my hands over my ears
Pretend I don't hear you
Pretend I don't see you
Pretend I don't feel you
Like I did that night
Which was sprinkled with stars like
Icing
Icing on a cupcake.

Sometimes I remember you and it's just
Horrifying
Two conflicting emotions of deep within battle
Fight to seek dominance and reassurance
Your love nauseates me and excites me
Because I remember drunken words full of poisoned love
And I recall your touch that used to heal
But now it burns and forever it will hurt
It burns and flares greater than any cursed fire.

Sometimes I love you, and hate you
Sometimes I ignore you, and remember you
And life isn't what it used to be
It's no longer a fairytale
It holds no dram of mercy
And love for you is so conflicting
So contradicting, so confusing
Like yin and yang or something more
Faded lines, blurred lies and tear-streaked whispers...

Sometimes, I think that
Me
Loving
You
Isn't that worthwhile anymore.

i live life like i'm dying everyday
days pass and time slinks away
cheeks hollow and lips whiten
eyes that fill with tears too easy
now glazed over with pain

i live life like i'm dying everyday
fingers numb and gaze that stares ahead
nails that grip down like i'm on the edge
leaving crescent marks in its wake
blood that rises but never breaks the surface

i live life like i'm dying everyday
each peal of laughter a melody for my deathbed
every smile and grin leaving me dead
i crave scars like words carved into my tombstone
sharpening the knife so my heart can beat again

i live life like i'm dying everyday
i scream silently curled up against porcelain
vomiting out molecules that were meant to be digested
but each glance at the mirror makes me feel less than ideal
fingers clutching the porcelain bowl
offering my dinner to the demons instead

i live life like i'm dying everyday
when my heart thumps irregular
and the pain won't go away
hiding under covers from the monster
no longer underneath the bed
but within me
instead

i live life like i'm dying everyday
when tears fall and i hold my breath
trying not to lose it all
i grip the knife and press it against my chest
my heart oddly silent
accepting our death

i live life like i'm dying everyday
a broken marionette who's own thoughts
i cannot obey
the demon inside of me flips an hourglass and counts away
counting down each breath that i take

i live life like i'm dying everyday
no one hears the screams and cries
of no one but a fourteen year old
who's mind is too old
heart too much in pain
wishing her bed was a casket instead.

Dim light settles
Mahogany wood shines
Marked with scars
Showing old use.

The velvet curtain opens
Soft music plays
They watch with bated breath
What they see is not what they expect.

She draws in air
Deep into her lungs
Listening for her moment
And so she begins.

Soft steps taken hesitantly
Ankles flex and point at the ground
Calves stretch, the leg extends
Knifing an arc through the air.

The torso twists
Bending elegantly
It writhes and moves
To its own melodious pain.

Tendons move
Joints stretch
An extended hand
Sweeps to heaven.

She leaps and twirls
She jumps and dances
Like she's all alone
With moonlight for company.

The notes reach a faster pace
Racing against time
Her leg as taught as a stretched rubber band
Curving in towards the knee
Arms forming a barrier
On one toe she begins to spin.

Behind the grace and elegance
Behind the layer of sweat-soaked skin
Lies withering beauty touched by pain
A rose the shade of violent red
Chained by its own thorns
Enslaved to the pinpricks of red.

What will happen
When the melody reaches its crescendo
When the rose blossoms and thorns extend
When the dance of roses reaches its end?

I lie alone in the darkness
I close my eyes
Calling you from a place forsaken
A place full of hate and despise.

With your help
A phoenix from ashes I rise
An eagle with an unmatching shadow
A story that makes no sense shall flow.

You are my bridge
You are my lifeline
You are what that will lead me out of these lies.

You are my weapon
You are my guard dog
No matter what happens
You shall stay by my side.

Even if my throne were to fall
Even if my crown turns to rust
Even if the endless corpses with eyes accusing
Turn to glare at the two of us
By my side you must stay.

This is an order!
You can never leave me!
You must never lie to me.
I will do anything in my power
To keep you serving me.

At first
You don't feel the pain
It's like morphine
Creeping through your veins.

And then it worms in
Settling onto your heart
With a grip of vice
And it twists and it crumbles
Til it bleeds and drips
Memories that you once held dear seeping out
Broken photo frames capturing single happy moments flowing out
Secret conversations full of tears and hugs and smiles tearing out.

And I tell myself
I must hold on
Carry myself high
I must move on.

Even when your words turn false and uncaring
Even when the photos burn and turn into ash and dust
Even when you leave with an echoing silence
That screams out your broken promises
I tell myself,
I must hold on,
For just a while longer.
Just a little longer.

So I grasp onto the frayed ends of my hope
Pull myself together
Fix those glass frames
Patch up my heart the best I can
Put the memories in an urn
Don't I ever want to see them again.

I lock away the past,
Block you from my future,
Try to smile in the present.

And
And I
I'll always love you
I'll always remember
The crazy times we had.

How can I forget you?
You're an angel,
My best friend.
And until the day you come back
I just need to hold on
Just ... A while longer.