I know what you're telling her
And it's ironic, isn't it?
I mean, I can see the humor.

But it's fine with me
If you keep telling lies
To save yourself some pain.

But you and I both know
The truth of the matter,
Don't we?

And I'd never wish you pain,
But I hope that you're not convincing yourself
That I care anymore.

One could relapse into addiction
          Like I relapse into you

You whispered
"I love you"
And I whispered
"Don't lie"

The scars on her legs,
Like little white valleys
Carved out not by years of water,
But by years of pain,
Paint a beautiful picture
Of despair
And sadness
And solitude
But mostly
Of hope
And recovery.
For there are no red rivers flooding the valleys
Anymore

If fate is real

I hope I end up

Being lucky enough

To find my way to you

And if fate isn't real

I hope

I can be with you anyway

Getting over heartbreak is like getting over sickness. Each day you feel better and better, and each day you can stomach a little bit more. Until one day you can walk around and shower and go outside and laugh without sneezing. And then, not too long after that, you won't even remember what being sick felt like. The bedridden, hazy thoughts that occupied your mind will be just a dream. And the sad, helpless feelings of heartbreak will go into oblivion in the same easy breath of freedom.

With hidden cuts on her legs
She whispers to him

"Please don't hurt yourself"

I used to ache
So passionately
For anything that had to do
With your sweet touch:
I used to picture
Your hand
Moving across my lips,
And I used to visualize
Your kiss
Swimming though
My bloodstream.
Your caress
Would sooth me
And simultaneously
Ignite me into flames.

But now
I don't
And it doesn't
And it can't

My lips
Do not ache for you;
Me head
Does not visualize you;
My bloodstream
Is clean of your kisses
(even thought you give me many);
And sadly,
I am not set to flame
By your touch anymore

The passion I felt
Is replaced by emptiness.

So when your hand finds mine,
And kisses my palm
With yours,
I feel nothing
But the warmth of your fingers
And the steady pulse
Of my own
Unfazed
Heartbeat

Don't get me wrong the *** is good
But you know what's great?
The after ***
When he's asleep and I'm awake
And I can read his every lie
And I can hear his every breath
Laced with simple unknowing
Of the world
And I can feel the
Emptiness
Creep in and take me far away
And I can run away from there
On tired breaths
And salty tears
And cold embraces
Filled with anything but love

I wonder
What your lips
Taste like
Or how you jaw
Feels against my teeth
Or how you'd sigh into me
When you're
So close that
I can feel you
And hear you
And smell you

I wonder
What'd it feel like
To have your hands
Roam
Freely
Over my aching body
And maybe
          Heal me
Just for a little while
Just for enough time
To release
Some pain
Into you

Sleepy eyes make for achey hearts as I lay here and remember you on the side of the bed opposite me.
I used to think the sun and moon rose solely to shed light on the beauty we created.
But as the beauty died, they still rose.
So now I know I was blinded by the light that we created ourselves.
I know you're drunk and I remember when you used to get drunk off of me and my smell and my kiss and my taste.
And I'm completely sober like always, but I remember being drunk off of you too.
And sleepy eyes make for achey hearts as I realize that the moon and sun never did rise solely to shed light on the beauty we created.
Now, I'm done dying over you, and I'm done grabbing and pulling for your love.
Because I realize now,
After nights of pure pain and darkness and days that seemed to be never-endingly filled with memories of you,
That the sun and moon never ever did rise solely to shed light on the beauty we created.
And they'll continue to rise as long as I continue to breathe.
And even though I don't have you, they'll still rise and fall solely to shed light on the beauty that I can create without you.
So sleepy eyes make for sleepy hearts as I drift away into the light that the moon shines
Solely for me.

I never keep people around for long
And I think that's because
Nobody I've ever talked to
Has stayed up
All night with me
While I suffer from insomnia
And panic
And sadness

I've been told before
"I love you"
But nobody has ever seen me
When I'm curled up
With my head in my hands
Crying to myself
Because I know someday
I'm going to die

And while I've loved many people
I can't say
I've ever been in love

Oh him?
                                                           Oh you?
What can I say about him?                                  
                                                           What can I say about you?
He's nothing to me really.
                                                           You're my everything really.
It was just a crush.
                                                           What I feel for you, I've never felt.
It was over before it started.
                                                            I hope this is just getting started.
No, I left him.
                                                            Please never leave me.
Of course we don't talk anymore.
                                                            Talking to you is my favorite part of the day.
He was ugly.
                                                            You're so gorgeous.
He was mean.
                                                            You're so sweet.
He was conceited.
                                                            No please believe me, you're wonderful.
And most importantly,
                                                            And most importantly,
I never loved him.
                                                            I love you.

With scrambled thoughts
And tired eyes
I tried to write you
Lullabies

Do you love me?
You roll to a stop at the red light
Cars speed forward in front of us
All containing people with their own questions that could crumble their worlds
They are all unaware that I just asked  the question that could crumble mine

Do you love me?
The red light reflects off of your face
It casts deep shadows under your eyes and jawbone
Like the deep maroon is outlining where I had trailed my lips just hours before
A dark road map showing the weakness I have for the softest parts of you

You blink once
Twice
Three times
Your lips part to say something but they stop and instead let out a deep breath
I see your thumb touch your ******* on the steering wheel and glide in a circular motion almost as to soothe yourself

Do you love me?
The light turns green
And this time you speed forward before I can see the shadows on your face
Instead you're thrown into darkness as we drive the busy night streets
Each passing streetlight illuminates you just long enough for me to see the internal struggle happening between your eyebrows
I can hear the wind blow over my ears even though all the windows are closed

I want to touch you
But what's more, I want you to touch me

I measure the minutes by how many times you almost say my name
But stop short
And then we're in my driveway
Resting at a stop with the cool night air threatening to crush your car to a pulp

Do you...
You look at me
Love me?*
You look down and your eyes stay there
I see no shadows on your hidden face

And then I'm moving my body in one smooth motion to escape the trap you've set for me in your stupid car on this stupid night with your stupid lips and your stupid laugh and your too tender words that shatter when they should soothe

One foot on the ground
Then two
One step
Two
Three
Four
Deliberately away from you and the poison that you sung into my veins
Away from your touch that felt simultaneously like frostbite and heatstroke

You don't run after me
You don't yell my name in panicked deliberation

Instead
You put your car in reverse and pull out in one motion
Careful not to glide over the lawn and leave track marks to remind me of the place you almost had me pinned down to you

And so I am left with fire in my veins and ice in my cheeks on my front step
Fists clenched in tight determination to not let the stars see me cry for you

Because I am too beautiful to be shedding tears over someone who can't whisper my name
Or touch my hands

I am too lovely to spill over myself for someone who is a closed bottle of emotion and lovelessness

I am too full to be drained by someone without the ability to synthesize their own being

I am too brave to let someone steal my hands and wrap them up to never come undone
I am too good for you
I am
And you know it

There are secrets I want to whisper into your neck in the middle of the night
When I've counted the seconds between each breath you take
To make sure you're really asleep.

But you'll still be awake.

And that'll be fine with me.

I've never been broken before
But you broke me that night
You split my being  into tiny microscopic pieces
Every emotion I've ever felt about You
Was split apart and ripped open and thrown into the newly cracked parts
Of myself
The love I felt for you was broken down and thrown into a mix
Of sadness and regret and anger
So that is wasn't pure anymore
It was messily splatter painted on the insides of my mind
It wasn't just red love and passion and trust
It was stained
With black anger
And green envy
And yellow betrayal
And so many other colors and emotions that I couldn't keep it all
Straight
It was just a muddle of fuzzy images that were once so sharp and clean
Everything was thrown
Out of focus
And you were at the center
Twisting the images
And throwing the paint
And ripping the cracks deeper and deeper with every word you said
Or didn't say
I've never been broken before
But you broke me that night

But now the tiny pieces of myself
Are coming back together
And the splotches of paint
And emotion
Are intertwining themselves into a beautiful picture
That shows of love
And loss
And recovery
And I'm seeing for the first time
That sometimes you need to be broken
In order to put yourself back together

Restless.
Pressure pushing from all sides.
Pushing down and suffocating.
My legs move
Right
Left
Right
Left
Pacing and pacing and going on and on

I don't seem to make them move
The pressure guides them

Restless

Always restless
Always moving
Always pushing and pulling
Away and back
Away and back
Like the tides
Constant motion

It's a necessity right now
Because when I'm still
And all is silent
My mind takes over and moves
Like my feet do now,
The pressure guiding it,
So I keep moving
And pacing
And going  

Because when I'm not moving
I'm slipping away
To memories
Of you