I've spent 3 months ignoring your calls and deleting your voicemails
still I check the weather in Provo and when the first snow surprised you in september I stayed up all night
knitting you socks
I didn't write a note but I drew all over your envelope and I didn't sleep
not until the tracking number reached you
When you called i still didnt answer
but I sat there and watched it ring until my phone died

I
don't
love
you

but the thought of your cold toes consumed me - stay warm

you always hated when i wore black
you said it washed me out, but i think that it really bothered you because it was a reminder of the little bits of darkness in me that you couldn't brighten,
no matter how many pastel
fit
n
flare
frocks
you bought and watched me drape over my bones
now i always have black on somewhere - just to say ******* from S Wabash St, Chicago

i let this one guy i liked in october use your favorite pink dress to wipe up his *** after a mediocre ******* and if we are going to be truthful ill admit that i felt nothing - i might have even smiled, picturing your face if you had seen what happened to the candy colored cotton
you were right, trying to keep black off my body - you were right because
I am
cold&
cruel&
fickle&
judgmental&
you werent right but a fool to think that i could be a wife who makes costco runs twice a month
and spends week days decorating mason jars with burlap and lace at a craft room desk
waiting for you to come home and not **** me on the counter in whatever easter hued garment i had on


you always hated when i wore black
and if we're still being honest i hate it too
but i need to learn to like how much it suits me -
as its the only reason why my shoulders cant fit into yours anymore

I don't know
what to do
I only know
that
I hate waking up well rested.
Not having to slip
-out of my bed
-tip toe out of my room.
i hate not being late to class.
you are
so
grumpy,
in the morning.
but it's okay.
i like the way it makes me feel;
unwanted.

If this is what it takes to still be yours, then
no
more
kisses.
I'll headbutt you in public.

Brace yourself.