1.18.22

When its all of this all at once
Holding it all in is not the answer

strength is not to bite my tongue
and erase an opinion that seeks to be expressed

I do not wish to be a nuisance to the world
But reality isn’t always beautiful
And that has to be ok right?

I mean, we can’t work towards our dreams
every. single. moment. right?

There’s of course distraction

And needing to belong to myself first
And needing to come home to myself,

and not looking for validation
Right?

And not judging others for needing that validation
And not trying to be perfect, or seemingly so

But also not spilling the oil, the tar
From my heart

The venom of being misunderstood

Not sharing that with those who do not see me fully
Whose presence in my house is strictly as visitor
I am able to escort them out when needed,
right?

But what to do when I forget I have the power to say no
What to do when I get so lost that my body feels numb

Each task, an impossible feat

What to do when I begin to break at the seams
What to do when I notice myself judging every single thing about others

I start to make stories about their imperfections trying to make myself feel better
What to do when this pattern ensues?

Accept life as it is sweet Gabrielle,
There is nothing to be done
It is not about surviving or getting through it
It is all there is
And this means that there will be pain
And it will hurt
And you will suffer
And that is truth
And that is reality
And reality is ok

Sounds of a sea of humans
Anger and aimless rage
The highs and lows
The emotional rollercoaster of attachment
Of false victory
Of seeming control of circumstance
Winning in the game
And returning to life as it is

I always thought I was fighting for something-
And now I’m not so sure of anything anymore

But I didn’t care that you didn’t want the rest of me
Because I didn’t either

6.9.21
I feel it everywhere all the time
Everything
And its like I can’t help but get overwhelmed
My behavior controlled by generations before

My finger a weapon
My body the target
When will I hurt less
When will the pain go away?

Hard times don’t last
But when they’re here they make up for every lost moment

Every moment I felt joy left lifeless
Every glimpse of light blown away

With just one glance,
One moment,
One story,

That’s the scary part
How quick, how easily, its all just blown away
Effortlessly into smoke,
Into oblivion

Like it never existed
Like I don’t exist anywhere but the pain
Like the pain is my new identity
Like I am exiled to spend the rest of my days inside of the ache

Nothing matters sometimes
When my body is my wallet
When the way I appear is who I am
I scrape every bit of confidence out of my mind
And I replace it all with shame

I do that sometimes
All the time
Forget who I really am

And then come back begging on my knees
Please take me back home
Please let me lay in your arms again
Ive had enough of the life I’ve been living
Ive had enough of the ache that takes hold
Drowns me while I’m still on the surface

In front of you
Watching you watch me drown
Watching you watch me
Drown

Its truly amazing how lost one can get
In the presence of others