I can't even reconize myself
I look in the mirror a lot
I stare at my reflection
But I don't reconize it

It is a miracle
That I can identify myself
Inside me I just know
But I look different every time

I don't even know
What I look like
How could you?
How do you say you know me?

I am a little girl
No bigger than a fairy
No older than a new born
No wiser than a turtle

I am the conservative one
The one who rules herself
But only by following the rules
I am not wild

I am the try hard
I never consider others
Only myself
Always myself

I make myself look big
By taking my magic wand
And creating an illusion
That I am older

But
The thing about knowing the boundaries
Is that I can see
What true rebellion is

I want to be free
Free from myself
Free from my own chains
That I placed to hold me back

When you are little
You can't begin to imagine
What the future you
Will long for

And boy
Was I wrong
As I sprout up
I look back and laugh

How did I think
That I would not become
One of the skins of those pretty petty girls
That everyone ends up in

I am naive
To think that I was better
I would not fall to that level
Little me was bigger

Look what I have become
Everyone predicted it but me
I would never thought this
Would ever happen to a person like I

I sometimes use my little girl mind
And become disappointed in myself
But even as I mature
I am still that little girl

I am ashamed of my now self
But I'm just a little girl
I have no idea what is in store for me
Who I will be, when I'm not little

Never had I
Ever felt this hopeless
About us
As I did tonight

I discovered where
I went wrong
And it backed up
What you did

You started it
I'm sorry
That I had to say that
But it began with you

Never had I
Ever felt that hopeless
As I did when I met you
But I was intrigued

You were all lies
But I was caught up
In your flames
So novel you were

Never had I
Seen something as magnificent
As you were
Well, are

I was captivated
I was trapped
You kept hitting me
And I came back

It wasn't until tonight
Did I realize
that you were laughing
At my pain

I did what I had to
What I wanted to
At the time
It seemed alright then

I wanted to start over
I wanted a clean slate
For us
We could be a phoenix

I hid who I was
And you loved it
You loved me
I made you crazy

It was about time
You felt for me
As I did for you
So I continued

You fell hard
I did too
It wasn't until later
That we both broke

You gained wisdom of me
And you were not satisfied
With those results
Weren't satisfied with me

You wanted me
To be someone else
You toyed with me
I toyed with you

We both wanted someone else
Neither of us were them
I know that now
I don't think you do

I broke you
I made you cold
More than you ever were
Before

And you broke me
You made me hate myself
I won't repair
I will never love the same

You despise me
You loved my mask
But not the person under it
You were so disappointed

I can't get away from you
You are everywhere
You continually drown me
You don't mind

I was a fool
For loving you
You were a fool
For returning it too late

Now as I see you
I display my hate
Which is so much kinder
Than your blank face

I know we will never
Be able to repair our bridges
We will never know each other
This never happened

But what I also know
The worst part of all
Is that if you called my name
I would give all I am to you

Never had I
Realized how hopeless we were
We destroyed each other
But here you are again

It creeps up on you,
quiet and still,
sits by your side in the dark,
strokes your hair as you sleep.

It wraps itself around your bones,
squeezing so tight you almost can’t breathe.
It leaves lies in your heart,
lies next to you at night,
leaches the light out from every corner.

It’s a constant companion,
clasping your hand
only to yank you down
when you’re struggling to stand up.

You wake up in the morning
and wonder
who you are.
You fail to fall asleep at night
and tremble in your skin.

You doubt
you doubt
you doubt
do I
don’t I
should I
why won’t I

And even when you’re ready to let go.
When you’re ready to break free.
When you’re ready to be brand-new.
Loneliness is an old friend
standing beside you in the mirror,
looking you in the eye,
challenging you to live your life without it.

You can’t find the words to fight yourself,
to fight the words screaming
that you’re not enough
never enough
never ever enough.

Loneliness is a bitter,
wretched companion.
Sometimes it just won’t let go.

Unravel Me.

These letters
Are all I have left.

26 friends
To tell my stories to.

26 letters
Are all I need.

I can stich them together
To create oceans and ecosystems

I can fit them together
To form planets and solar systems.

I can use letters
To construct

Skyscrapers and metropolitan cities
Populated by people, places, things

And ideas that are more real to me
Than these 4 walls.

I need nothing
But letters to live.

Without them
I would not exist.

Because these words I write down
Are the only proof I have

That I'm still
Alive.

And I've fallen.
So hard.
I've hit the ground.
Gone right through it.

Never
In my life
Have I felt this.
Nothing like this.

I've felt shame
And cowardice,
Weakness
And strength.

I've known terror
And indifference,
Self-hate
And general disgust.

I've seen things
That cannot be
Unseen.
And yet

I've known nothing
Like this terrible,
Horrible,
Paralyzing feeling.

I feel crippled.
Desperate
And out of control.
And it keeps getting worse.

Every day
I feel sick.
Empty
And somehow aching.

Live is a
Heartless *******.
I'm driving myself
Insane.

I like to believe you're staring
Right at me
When I'm not looking.

I like to pretend
That I can feel your eyes on me
Carefully watching my movements.

I like to think
That you look at me
The way I look at you.

I like to take comfort
In the hope
That you might feel the same.

This is how I go on.
I pretend.
I play make believe.

All of my actions
Are planned out
To be something you would appreciate.

Even if you dont notice,
I make myself be
Someone whom you would like.

I make myself
Be a person
That everyone thinks is loving.

I know you all too well
So I know
What kind of people you admire.

My whole life
Revolves around trying to please you.
Even though you don't take notice.

It doesn't make me mad
That I live off of you
Because it makes me better.

I be the best me
I can be
When I'm trying to make you notice me.

So thank you
For being a good person
That I have to out-do with kindness.

I like to believe
That you watch me.
Because that is how I continue.

I don't throw caution
To the wind
For that is too light
Too easy to be free of
Why would I waste wind?

I throw something
It's of more value
It is something
That every one wants
No one can catch it

I throw my love
I flit it in front of them
Letting them know it's free
And they always try to grab it
But it is not for them

I forget about my love
I use it too freely
So much so
It loses all meaning
Stripped of its value

I ruined it for everyone
I fell
And I brought everyone
Down
With me

Hello.
My eyes say.
As yours skirt past mine.

Look over here.
Look at me.
But you do not.

I see your loneliness.
Here, I have a seat for you.
Why aren't you coming over?

Do you see my eyes?
They avoid everyone.
Except you.

Look.
Look over here.
It isn't too much to ask.

Your dark eyes
Absorb everything.
How do you not see?

Why?
Why won't you let me
Welcome you?

Just look my way.
Just once.
Maybe twice.

You'll see.
You belong over here.
Next to me.

Hello.
Look, over here,
At me.

I still look for you
Every day
I twist my neck
Hoping to see you
I break my bones
To get a better view
Of the space you left
I never will get tired
Of seeing your perfect face
And my eyes
Were delighted
When they saw you
They are deprived now
They are thirsting
They are longing
I miss you
I miss your presence
I miss your constantness
Every day
I still look for you