whenever i feel like it
i hold you
softly in my hands
there you sparkle
there you shine
you,
a facsimile of reality
a fragment of the past
yes, tonight
you’re mine, all mine

it starts in the chest
a sting that reverberates
as clear as the church bell
split-second
it travels to the legs
to the top of the toes
and everything hurts
for a moment,
i cannot breathe
and then i blink
and it’s curdled into
anger, then disgust, then
sadness
before i take it by its neck
like a sick, unwanted kitten
and drown it in apathy
i understand now
how memory loss
might be therapeutic

you all ******* lied to me
i really am alone
there is no safety net
there is no structure
nothing
i am simply falling
with no one to catch me

all these words for what?
god put all these words in me
for what?
i put meaning into things
live in a fantasy i built
i pretend i got it together
when i don’t
i am such a good liar
no one can
tell the difference
between me
being sarcastic or suicidal
because they see me dressed in sunshine
all the ******* time
don’t they realize
that the sun is slowly burning out?
but what’s funnier is
i make my own pain
(it’s objectively funny)
and i alternate crying and laughing
to the point
i’ve started having trouble breathing
my heart and my lungs
don’t know how to keep up
with the interminable pacing
of my ******* mind
all these emotions, these thoughts
this entirety of me
for what?
what is it all for?

come on over, sit down
i prepared a feast for you
to be engorged on
here i have:
premium understanding
basic human decency
lower middle class manners
empathy, empathy, empathy
a college communication degree
(hey, that last one is magna *** laude!
i know, in the real world, it doesn’t matter
but it does mean i know a few things
about talking)
here i slice my emotions
dice them up for you to swallow
here i puree my heart
liquify it for you to digest better
i know i can be too much
but i can make it easier for you, see?
have a taste, i know you want to.
i know you want to.
….
you have to go? this is too much?
not to worry,
i have my empathy in takeout boxes
you can keep taking it from me
free of delivery charge!
just use the takeout code:
INDIHASNOSELFRESPECT
yes, it’s only available for the rest of my life
so go on, take it away!
please feed yourself
i have so much to give, see?
let me satisfy your cravings
let me make space for your ego
the world is too small to house it
but i can try to make you full

if you had died before me,
i would’ve found your family’s lot in the graveyard,
wear my summer dress
the one you didn’t know i put on
just for you
i would’ve put lilies on top your gravestone
baby’s breath, pink peonies
wild flowers in different sizes, pastel colors
tied them together with a white bow
just for you
i would’ve sat beside you
watch the giant clouds pass by
in our idyllic, rainless afternoon
the perfect kind of day when time stops
just for you
then when the sun said its goodbyes
i’d have blown the candle out
trace your name on the marble
trace your name and leave

i love a man in a suit
midnight black or navy blue or stark white
i love a man with a beard
curly haired, brown-eyed angel face
i love a man with those hands
those fingers can fit in my mouth
i love a man in that timbre
honey sweet, silver stability
i love a man with that look
stern, slightly disapproving
i love a man who’s a protector
who would raze the world for me
i love a man who can cook
feed me all the wonderful things
i love a man who can cure me
of my boredom, my desolation
i love a man on screen
he never stays, he never leaves

it was nothing special
one in the afternoon
guts on the floor
i must have screamed
Clean by Taylor Swift so loud
my neighbor thought i was insane
the sun relentless
the sadness interminably long
three months sober
i take a look at the ruins of me
and smile

let the rain come pouring
smashing through the ceiling
let the wind shake the house,
make its bones stick out
depravity is thin, its ribs outlined
glass breaks, roof caves
debris sticks on my skin
plaster dust, a heavy breath
there are a dozen ways
you stayed hidden
in the framework, in the foundation
of my mind
my house is embedded by you
and only a typhoon can
get you out

i want to sleep
i have given
too much
i have become rusty
my eyes sunken
and my back
is busted
this foreign language
optimized machine
selling words,
selling emotion
wants to spit
me out of it
to keep working
but i am so
sleepy, shut down
and so if the machine
is broken
and the soul, myself,
is weak
there is nothing
left to do
but to starve

the moon is a friendly face
solitary as a cheshire cat
he travels into my bedroom
and tucks my hair behind my ear
with a mischievous grin
he never stays too long
too many dreams to see
but he tells me right before he leaves,
“you are made of starlight,
a periwinkle hue
if you close your eyes right now
you’ll see silver in your sleep.”

imagine Manila in white
like a necklace of sampaguita hanging
on an ivory saint’s neck
sweet and innocent, children’s fingers
braiding every flower

imagine Manila in white
like the lines on the concrete
leading you home after work
the streetlight a beacon beckoning
never flickering once

imagine Manila in white
like thin bones of the milkfish
from a table laden with every meal
you could ever wish for
and you leave always full

imagine Manila in white
like the stately pillars of our Congress
bleached clean, after a bone deep cleanse
and every paper is lined with veracity,
all receipts are released

imagine Manila in white
like the summer full moon
when we dance and sing of the past
and our song is full of pain
but the melody doesn’t stay the same

imagine Manila in white
like an infant’s first taste of milk
we thirst for what was promised
we thirst for what is ours until
our wails are silenced at last

imagine Manila in white
like the pearl left in the oyster
pristine and untouched
the sea is calamitous and yet
the pearl shines in the dark

my god, can you imagine?
imagine Manila in white

i think you suffer
because you want to
you surround yourself with friends
to tell yourself you’re not lonely
that you are likable,
that you are smart
when the most special thing about you
isn’t even by your design
i think you cause
your own loneliness
the way you sit in silence in the dark
the way you let the seconds pass by
hoping you are closer to the end
than you really are
i think you make
yourself desolate
yes, you can pretend you’re fine
but after everyone
has gone home, credits roll one last time
the loneliness becomes heavy
and you carry it all
and sometimes, i wonder how you can

i delete things
to forget
my mind is very fickle
yet it paces
interminably
so when i push
that reset button
my mind
stutters, sputters
stops
and i get
blessed silence
and you get
zero air time
in my mind

i want you to know
sometimes
i get scared of me too
i don’t know why
but to talk about it,
makes me want
to ask my father
to come pick me up

no amount of wonder
is ever wasted on you
you’re made of stardust
magic, a periwinkle blue
no worries, no scary
monsters in the night
could frighten you
the horrors persist
and baby, so do you
your heart is strong
your lungs capable
your feet will take you
wherever you want to go
the distance between
now and whenever
is whatever you want it to be

it’s better to let the air out
than burying it deep
when is the last time you breathed
without your lungs caving in?
i heard you can bleed out poison
from a snake bite, from a person
i’ll help you out as i am curious too
but promise me first you’ll tell me
if i’m pressing too hard where you hurt

it’s a modern love song
and it goes like this:
party heels, glitter on the floor
your best friend’s second cousin
is passed out in the couch
someone ordered fast food
someone is crying in the bathroom
i think i saw a high school classmate
kiss my college friend before puking
leftover beer pong, the ice has melted
and made a puddle on the floor
i look for you in all this mess
mascara running on my face
soon everything is blurry
but one thing is crystal clear:
you somehow find me first
and haul my drunken self home

do you think of marriage?
they say its an inevitable end
silver rings, golden bells
i hate the thought
but my emotional drought ends
and i am thirsty
and suddenly i am
thinking of marriage
half of mine, half of yours
how romantic, don’t you agree?
ours will be poetry softly spoken
to the ear of the Almighty
lovestruck, high maintenance
i have every reason to believe
you are heaven sent to me
if you want marriage, like i do,
you’ll need to scream my name
from the highest mountain
when the orange moon is at its peak
then i will come to you,
despite rainstorms, despite faults
how romantic, don’t you agree?

i want money to eat
money i can gorge on
money i’d have to puke
cause too much money
sit in my throat
**** being a poet
i want money so *****
i’d be a minor crime lord
or a senator
or a contractor
i want money so much
i think about it all the time
is it borderline avarice
to think of money all the time?
i want money as a lubricant
to make it easy to get out
slick me up, like a porcelain doll
yeah, just enough money
to get me out
the funny thing is,
if i was told every letter
every line i ever wrote
could be converted into
cold, hard cash?
**** it,
i wouldn’t take it
i couldn’t take it
**** my life, i guess

a second lily has decided to bloom
its petals remind me of waiting

my hydrangeas are slowly wilting
the ends a murky brown

i have left the day spill into
a restless night, of mourning

there is much left to do
too much to do, too much growing

we didn’t talk the entire time
from the hospital
to our house
just you and i
and our footsteps
falling in time
(i think i would know you
eyes closed, heart blinded)
you said i couldn’t take criticism
when you can’t take any blame
but i followed you home quietly
and you cooked my favorite meal
we go around in a circle
hand in hand, eurydice

i am now twenty five
the number is evenly placed
between twenty and thirty
i hated myself at twenty
i wonder who i’ll be at thirty
the years seem to stretch
and snap back
i am now twenty five
i’ve had my heart broken twice
i used to think i’d never recover
until i do, and i always do
my friends have changed
my voice has changed
i don’t know what’s next
and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be

i want to press into you
until i cannot see
where i end and
where you begin
i want to know everything
from where you sleep
to where you dream
i don’t have a lot
but i can do this for you:
i will build us a heaven
where you can rest
and i can look at you
wouldn’t that be nice?

sometimes i want to
it’s a passing thought,
a half-remembered dream,
a bullet on my to-do list.
and the only thing
really stopping me is
my mother
who cannot afford
another funeral

if you were icarus, i’d be the sea
ready to envelop you when you fall
perhaps i wished your wax wings melt
or you wouldn’t hear your father’s call

if you were ariadne, i’d be the labyrinth
every corner of me ready to confuse
your gold thread would end up in knots,
maybe i’d even trip up your theseus

if you were narcissus, i’d be the lake
ever-still, come even closer to my face
i’d feed into your vices then pretend
that you’re the hero in every case

if you were calypso, i’d be the island
invisible, bending to your every whim
when the shore lines up with a lost sailor
i’d be here when you’re done with him

if you were orpheus, i’d be the underworld
sing your song, bard, and get lost in me
my darkness will soften your hard footsteps
until you realize you could never be free

i wanted to hug you last time
i just realized what i want
(i should’ve done that)
i wanted to tell you
“everything will be alright”
i was up in my head
i was still a bit hurt
(from january, from july)
i’m slow to realize
but i really should’ve
hugged you
and invited you
(late realizations make me sad)

do you know what it feels
to be hit by
cupid’s poisoned arrow?
at first, it is wonderful
to be pierced through the heart
the world adjusts to your new eyes
because a certain person is alight
there is music in the air
there is sugar in every bite
you make every excuse
just to be by their side
you don’t even realize it
but here comes the crash
storm clouds brew over
your perfectly sunlit life
suddenly, you’re dropped
from a few thousand leagues in the sky
falling in love?
more like falling to your death
cupid didn’t give you wings
he injured you with precision
his arrow hit a major artery, darling
you’ve been losing blood
hallucinating, fever high
all this time

let me row you out, darling girl
climb in, put your feet together
this is my father’s boat
and his father’s boat before him
these waves have rocked them
before cradling us, so do not worry
these waves will not bring us harm
tug on the ropes as i grab the oars
and sweep the gentle blue
and away we go
far away from the city
far away from our woes
past the past, before the daybreak
would you come away with me?

sometimes, i wonder
if you stretch
like a cat, before napping
under daylight
if so, i’d be the floor
normally, i’d be
inconsequential
but in the afternoon
when the sun is high
you’d choose a good spot
we would touch
then i would be
special

i know you’re asleep
but i hope you can tell
i have been praying
that you dream only
of good dreams,
that you live well
in a life
you’ve barely begun
to live

i fall into it
right as i crawl myself out of it
compared to me, Sisyphus's struggle is nothing

the heavy love i carry?
well, it keeps tumbling back to me
like a rock out to crush and ****

i know, i know
i am a sentimental fool
but where should i put the weight of everything?

i can't give it to you
but i can't let it stay with me
so i guess i'll be pushing it up the hill

i lie on the surface
it is cold, it is lonely
the words in my mouth
taste like wine
i must have been a
poet who died at sea
i lie on the surface
it is warm, there you are
the words in my mouth
taste like water
do not mourn for me
when i sink

there is a pocket universe
in between our houses
as sturdy as a narra tree
there, girls get to be girls
and friends never go
there, a boyfriend isn’t
a death sentence
there, our garden is full
of begonias, chrysanthemums
there, we water them
and they grow

i think of her
the same way people think of
hunger balanced on their tongue
or when the thunder
perfectly timed, cracks open the sky
the soft vowels and slight curve
as i dust her off the shelf
put her back, limbs attached
stare at her forlornly without a care
i think of her
when the thought in my mind becomes heavy
as heavy as a lie
but there is nothing here
but space and backspace
the death of another poem

the rain is sweet to me
its cold touch a motherlike hug
my feet are unsteady and
they are likely to slip
but the rain pours over
fills my shoes with liquid courage
and makes them fly

summer swipes its tongue
across its teeth,
i am undone in its heat
its air a humming thing
reaching out,
i am undone in its heat
melting, dripping
my fingers fit in
its soft mouth
i am undone in its heat

the heat is a blanket
over my tiny body
i am waiting for your
cool touch, heaven eyes
the two of us from above
but do not care about them
i will make us a heaven here
i want to touch, to engulf
waters meeting shore
rain falling down
its water is enough to soothe,
to renew, breathe into the blue
until you are whole again
until then, heaven is just a thought

lines and lines
of rivulets of words
gushing, stemming from
the thin. soft skin
of my wrist.
I poke at it, examine it
fingers pushing in
just to check to see
if i am still a writer, after all
i wonder if i'm all used up
i wonder if the ink has dried
it's been six months
have i been pretending to be alive?

sometimes
i am terrified
of the heaviness
of my words
breathless, shapeless
but so very alive

i used to swallow english dictionaries
force the foreign vowels in my mouth
chew them, grind them between my teeth
until they are
a facsimile of sustenance, substance
its sharp corners scratch my throat
then i water it down with
the warm satisfaction of approval
and i did this work, this habit
for years and years and years
my tongue has curved around the
space i molded it from
my teeth has bent from the pressure
of forced phonetic mastication
my voice has the tilted quality
of a bird snatched from the forest
in hopes of sounding sweet
i sound lost, i sound unsure
i try to retrace my grandmother’s voice
it lingers on my tongue, before it dissolves
like sugar on my lips

i feel the need to put
a sharp thing on the surface of my skin
i feel the need to make
every bad decision i can in my life
i want to blow up every bridge
i want to terrify the people who love me
i have been waiting for so long
i have been good for so long
and yet
my heart has given me nothing but misery
my heart is a stupid little girl
throwing tantrums, howling in pain
screaming at people to stay

i cover her in white musk, lily of the valley
there she lies
still, infant-like, and white
her body soft and barely there—
almost a mirage of the senses
she fits the palms of my hands
and i gently cradle her, meeting her at last
whilst covered in crimson blood
i think she had a life
i think she had a breath
i think her heartbeat was
louder than the metropolitan haze—
a homing beacon calling me
a cadence tied tightly to my soul
before she was felled by you
i bury her in white musk, lily of the valley
and finally send her to my father
in hopes for revival, survival
after all, he is the first person
who taught me how to live

i have been drowning
slowly, surely
all the while living
i have never known
the difference
between the two

both make
my heart beat louder
my limbs akimbo
my entire soul
drenched, shivering
in the indigo blue

is it bad,
that i think
being alive
is being in pain?
i no longer know
what is true

life
is brutal, Ama
i can no longer breathe
full breaths.
the ocean of it
is vast, cruel

and the more i stay
in the depths
of the seas
and the cold
the more i long
to see you

come save me
my body is
in the coral reefs
white and still
a child waiting
to be told what to do

i unravel
the words are
so heavy
but the break
has no sound
i unravel
there is a
typhoon
on top of
my head
it hurts
to think
i unravel
i spent the day
quietly
nursing my
wounds
like a scarred
wild dog lost in
the field

there is a field
at the very, very end
i will meet you there
heart still, eyes facing
the wild, wide sky
there will be
a feast waiting
a table set
and there will be
enough for everyone

if there is a world where
you and i can meet again
would you choose to
do it all over just to see me?
would you sink into
unfamiliar crowds
unfamiliar sounds
and somehow find your way
back to me?

i have seen the shadows move
i have held hands with
the monster hiding under my bed
i cannot tell you its name,
only that it whispers in my ear
seconds before i sleep

i have heard the moon sigh
i have let its crescent mouth
laugh at my tears as i watch
silver clouds stream lazily
and a sole distant yellow star
blinks once, twice before it leaves

i have touched the velvet hide of the night
it is true, the world sits on the back
of a quick black cat and she runs
across time, never quite catching
the mouse she’s been chasing
for a while or forever

let the dark engulf
the past life i had?
i was thirteen when i saw
my closet held
too many bones
too little clothes
is it kindness
to become
an entirely different
person to protect
the tiny threads
unravelling in my soul?
it is too open, too wild
to be awake right now

a stream is a river is a sea is an ocean
a cycle of water breaks free from the same waters
and if anger is the conditioned emotion
we follow same circles, same eldest daughters