it was nothing special
one in the afternoon
guts on the floor
i must have screamed
Clean by Taylor Swift so loud
my neighbor thought i was insane
the sun relentless
the sadness interminably long
three months sober
i take a look at the ruins of me
and smile

let the rain come pouring
smashing through the ceiling
let the wind shake the house,
make its bones stick out
depravity is thin, its ribs outlined
glass breaks, roof caves
debris sticks on my skin
plaster dust, a heavy breath
there are a dozen ways
you stayed hidden
in the framework, in the foundation
of my mind
my house is embedded by you
and only a typhoon can
get you out

i want to sleep
i have given
too much
i have become rusty
my eyes sunken
and my back
is busted
this foreign language
optimized machine
selling words,
selling emotion
wants to spit
me out of it
to keep working
but i am so
sleepy, shut down
and so if the machine
is broken
and the soul, myself,
is weak
there is nothing
left to do
but to starve

the moon is a friendly face
solitary as a cheshire cat
he travels into my bedroom
and tucks my hair behind my ear
with a mischievous grin
he never stays too long
too many dreams to see
but he tells me right before he leaves,
“you are made of starlight,
a periwinkle hue
if you close your eyes right now
you’ll see silver in your sleep.”

imagine Manila in white
like a necklace of sampaguita hanging
on an ivory saint’s neck
sweet and innocent, children’s fingers
braiding every flower

imagine Manila in white
like the lines on the concrete
leading you home after work
the streetlight a beacon beckoning
never flickering once

imagine Manila in white
like thin bones of the milkfish
from a table laden with every meal
you could ever wish for
and you leave always full

imagine Manila in white
like the stately pillars of our Congress
bleached clean, after a bone deep cleanse
and every paper is lined with veracity,
all receipts are released

imagine Manila in white
like the summer full moon
when we dance and sing of the past
and our song is full of pain
but the melody doesn’t stay the same

imagine Manila in white
like an infant’s first taste of milk
we thirst for what was promised
we thirst for what is ours until
our wails are silenced at last

imagine Manila in white
like the pearl left in the oyster
pristine and untouched
the sea is calamitous and yet
the pearl shines in the dark

my god, can you imagine?
imagine Manila in white

i think you suffer
because you want to
you surround yourself with friends
to tell yourself you’re not lonely
that you are likable,
that you are smart
when the most special thing about you
isn’t even by your design
i think you cause
your own loneliness
the way you sit in silence in the dark
the way you let the seconds pass by
hoping you are closer to the end
than you really are
i think you make
yourself desolate
yes, you can pretend you’re fine
but after everyone
has gone home, credits roll one last time
the loneliness becomes heavy
and you carry it all
and sometimes, i wonder how you can

i delete things
to forget
my mind is very fickle
yet it paces
interminably
so when i push
that reset button
my mind
stutters, sputters
stops
and i get
blessed silence
and you get
zero air time
in my mind