whenever i feel like it
i hold you
softly in my hands
there you sparkle
there you shine
you,
a facsimile of reality
a fragment of the past
yes, tonight
you’re mine, all mine

it starts in the chest
a sting that reverberates
as clear as the church bell
split-second
it travels to the legs
to the top of the toes
and everything hurts
for a moment,
i cannot breathe
and then i blink
and it’s curdled into
anger, then disgust, then
sadness
before i take it by its neck
like a sick, unwanted kitten
and drown it in apathy
i understand now
how memory loss
might be therapeutic

you all ******* lied to me
i really am alone
there is no safety net
there is no structure
nothing
i am simply falling
with no one to catch me

all these words for what?
god put all these words in me
for what?
i put meaning into things
live in a fantasy i built
i pretend i got it together
when i don’t
i am such a good liar
no one can
tell the difference
between me
being sarcastic or suicidal
because they see me dressed in sunshine
all the ******* time
don’t they realize
that the sun is slowly burning out?
but what’s funnier is
i make my own pain
(it’s objectively funny)
and i alternate crying and laughing
to the point
i’ve started having trouble breathing
my heart and my lungs
don’t know how to keep up
with the interminable pacing
of my ******* mind
all these emotions, these thoughts
this entirety of me
for what?
what is it all for?

come on over, sit down
i prepared a feast for you
to be engorged on
here i have:
premium understanding
basic human decency
lower middle class manners
empathy, empathy, empathy
a college communication degree
(hey, that last one is magna *** laude!
i know, in the real world, it doesn’t matter
but it does mean i know a few things
about talking)
here i slice my emotions
dice them up for you to swallow
here i puree my heart
liquify it for you to digest better
i know i can be too much
but i can make it easier for you, see?
have a taste, i know you want to.
i know you want to.
….
you have to go? this is too much?
not to worry,
i have my empathy in takeout boxes
you can keep taking it from me
free of delivery charge!
just use the takeout code:
INDIHASNOSELFRESPECT
yes, it’s only available for the rest of my life
so go on, take it away!
please feed yourself
i have so much to give, see?
let me satisfy your cravings
let me make space for your ego
the world is too small to house it
but i can try to make you full

if you had died before me,
i would’ve found your family’s lot in the graveyard,
wear my summer dress
the one you didn’t know i put on
just for you
i would’ve put lilies on top your gravestone
baby’s breath, pink peonies
wild flowers in different sizes, pastel colors
tied them together with a white bow
just for you
i would’ve sat beside you
watch the giant clouds pass by
in our idyllic, rainless afternoon
the perfect kind of day when time stops
just for you
then when the sun said its goodbyes
i’d have blown the candle out
trace your name on the marble
trace your name and leave

i love a man in a suit
midnight black or navy blue or stark white
i love a man with a beard
curly haired, brown-eyed angel face
i love a man with those hands
those fingers can fit in my mouth
i love a man in that timbre
honey sweet, silver stability
i love a man with that look
stern, slightly disapproving
i love a man who’s a protector
who would raze the world for me
i love a man who can cook
feed me all the wonderful things
i love a man who can cure me
of my boredom, my desolation
i love a man on screen
he never stays, he never leaves