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J Jul 17
I woke up this morning,
Not being able to do anything,
Theres nothing i can do except ... ...
... ... die each day.
This wasnt the way i wanted to be,
Not a life i wanted see,
Bug other people had plans for me .. ..
.. and i live and die each day ..
.. .. .. .. .. I wonder to myself,
Why no help arrived ?
..... It feels like the plan was to see me die,
A long time ago .. .. ..
.. .. .. .. .. this has been a long, long, road ..
.. .. .. and i live and die each day.
Help never came,
Help never will,
Not in this place,
This place of eternal hell,
And i live and die each day .. .. ..
.. .. .. what will come of this ?
I think to myself,
With Years of struggles ahead.
.. .. .. .. .. Ill be dead and gone,
No one will mourn my dearh ..
.. .. .. .. .. I cannot rest,
Yet,
I live and die each day.
.. .. .. .. ..
One day theyll see,
And if there's a God,
An eternity of regret,
Should be to fall on them,
Wicked men,
Wicked men.
.. .. .. and i live and die each day.
Justice is coming faster than before,
And all these doors that closed on me .. ..
.. .. .. .. .. will open again,
You wait and see,
This place will remember me,
And through the haze of my yesterday's,
Ill find a better place,
A place of recovery,
A better place to .. .. simply be .. ..
.. .. and ill live and die each day.
.. .. .. .. .. there's no apathy or love left for me,
But the world will see,
The world will see.
.. .. .. ..
.. .. .. ..
I live and die each day.
Waking up with a cripling depression.
J Jul 13
E
Any easy feeling falls over me,
As the realities of the next few months, years perhaps,
Culminate,
So ive relaxed .  ..
.. .. .. solitary,
Can be hard,
But .. it what it is,
And I guess Im .. .. ..
Lucky ..
..
I dont owe anyone a thing,
Except my family,
Banks,
Credit facilities ... ...
But that's all it is,
Eventually ... I'll be able to leave,
Find a safe place for family .. or .. just .. me ?
.. .. ..
Death doesn't phase me,
And i would have been more than happy to D.I.E..
.. .. .. .. but I realised,
It shouldn't be me,
.. .. I shouldn't pay,
For others choices made,
And they made a choice,
A long time ago,
To force me to show ... ...
.. .. the possibilities ..
.. .. .. for humans like me,
If they live in a place that .. .. .. doesn't need destructive tendencies.. ..
.. .. .. .. this place doesn't exit for me,
.. .. .. sometimes .. I wish it did .. .. ..
.. but I doubt it ever will,
.. .. .. .. I cant do more than take pills,
And be at the whim of evil people .. .. .. that will never let me heal .. .. or be more than ..
.. .. .. on government payment,
All because their time spent,
Was to make sure the  reality .. .. ..
.. .. .. was to destroy everything good in me.
.. ..
..
.
.
Reflective Piece
J Jul 2019
New
New days on the horizon,
The time when nothing,
Took control,
Was it just a passing phase?
Sublime,
Memories unfold,
I took the wrong turn I fear,
Where my life,
Steers from here,
Surrounded by an
atmosphere,
Inherently grey,
The guess ain't mine,
Entwined epitaphs,
To a beginning and an end.
My friends,
I cried much too long,
And sang those songs of sorrow,
New Seeds are planted now,
But don't forget to water,
I wonder where my daughter is today?
Pushing back on in from the frey I found,
With life upside down,
Gets harder every day,
The frey can have a mighty hold,
And not let go,
But here I stand.
Lamented,
Now a new man.
J Jan 2019
On the pavement,
I was waiting,
For that moment,
To arrive,
The day I die,
Its all over,
I found moreover,
Why.
It was the sever,
From my children,
That kept me spinning,
Straight down,
Was In that moment,
Speaking to them,
That I Realised.
Can it mend now?
Time will tell how,
If the fracture,
Will ever mend,
In the beginning,
At the birth I,
Never thought it,
Would ever end.
I realise now I must keep going,
Days of sorrow,
Fall behind,
I found the reason,
To keep going,
I found the reason,
Of my life.
Bitter hatred,
Tore them from me,
Bitter hatred,
Held me down,
It was for nothing,
Yet for someone,
My connection to them,
Had to end.
I realised after I was talking,
I went to walking of my fears,
Bitter tears that I had cried,
All fell on deaf ears.
J Jan 2019
With tremendous
Vigour,
I plan for winter,
The longest in my life.
Fate folded on me,
Shut me from the light.
I wake each morning,
To begin a new day's fight,
Try I must,
Try I might.
Suicide does cross my mind,
I find some days are tough,
Needled with a poison,
That crushes all my ******.
They try to **** me,
Keep me down,
Spreading lies and,
Casting frowns.
My life as is,
A total let down,
Fighting me they must.
Trapped in darkness,
My throat they cut.
I pleaded why,
They have to try,
To destroy that's all of me,
They don't mind,
It is their job,
The government
does hate me.
A thought aboyt what government has done to my life. Taken from my business, taken from my children,
Thrown into the dark and injected with mind altering poisons.
All because I attempted to take my life.
J Dec 2018
All
Things fall apart,
Past can catch up on you,
The world is crewl and cold,
Betrayal under toe,
Relentless days,
Living in the frey,
Waiting to long to play,
Loosing all my sanity,
Sunsets over rooftops,
Insanity overflow.
Drunk on old fashioned,
Days of clinks and chasers,
To an end,
Cold coffee and long walks,
To talk to strangers,
Umongst the dangers of this bitter world.
I'm in the corner,
Waiting for the answer,
Laying on the ropes,
Each time I talk I choke,
Give me the rope,
A noose to hang,
End life with a bang,
The shenanigans all but faltered,
Forgotten left to writhe,
Through the bitter lies,
And crying eyes,
Light shines through.
I want to let you know,
I did it all for you.
J Dec 2018
The morning roll around again,
I wake and pick up my pen,
A shoddow lingers,
Remember how it began,
How many days,
To pick up my pen.
Countless hours,
Wading deep,
I prayed the Lord,
My soul to keep,
Each morning waking,
Is sometimes hard,
Working towards that light,
I think each morning,
When I wake,
How long can I keep the fight.
Living with depression,
Is a struggle through my days,
The doctors come to fight me,
Take what's left,
And on their way.
Its something more than sadness,
It holds and it consumes,
No one here to save me,
I feel I won't be living soon.
It has its hands around me,
Pulling me right down,
Most days I think that I should swim,
I end up drowned
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