everything i've loved, i've lost.

The moon witnessed them.
There was great intimacy.
Not physically.
Not sexually.
Their hearts wrapped around each other's fingers.
Their words caressed their empty voids.
There was no denial that the moment was surreal.
It seemed too good to be true.
Then again, all good things come to an end.
When was the last time someone touched you?
No, not in-between thighs or chest.
When was the last time your heart was touched?
In the background were victory noises of strangers that seemingly depicted the joy in their smiles.
They didn't have to say it.
Their dead cigarette butts and weeds that were stuck on their skin were witnesses.
It was pure bliss.
A blessing-
that's what they feel towards each other.
This is not a poem about lovers.
Soulmates come in various forms.
Love comes in many perspectives.
Sometimes, soulmates don't stay together forever.
Sometimes, they part.
Sometimes, they don't.
It is all in their hands.
The same hands the cold wind kissed.
For the warm to match with the cold.
For the broken to find it's missing pieces.

( FAH )

I wanted to **** myself,
and you were screaming,
about ***** dishes.
It's okay if you don't understand,
just know that,
you don't owe me anything.
Let me catch my breath,
before you seal it again.
I should be dead by now.

(FAH)

" if i give up now, what have i been fighting for all this while? "
Nothing.
Because what i fought for,
never fought back for me.
I wonder,
how much of what weighs me down,
is not mine to carry.
At one point,
i thought i've lost everything.
'Till i realised,
i've forgotten to count my blessings.
I've been so consumed with something,
that i forgot anything at all.
Through it all,
it shouldn't have happened,
but you let it.
The best medicine,
is just to let you win.
4-word conclusion:
Whatever's best for you.

( FAH )

how do you sleep at night knowing you broke me?
teach me.
how do you stay high without being brought down by the heavy emptiness that weighs down?
teach me.
how do you swallow the sweet and claims it's the most bitter fruit you've tasted?
teach me.
because i see you moving on so fast,
i get stuck.
dumbfounded.
if what we had,
meant something to you,
how could you turn,
our love to hate?
teach me.
so i won't have to drag you down no more,
with pathetic cries and pleads,
teach me dear.
teach me how,
you can pretend.
because i've had many masks,
but this,
bled through them all.

(FAH)

The fire turned into an angry fire,
even if the flames were not yet visible.
Our love got dark and indistinguishable,
beneath the volumes of smoke towering above.
Yet,
the fire did not come that day.
Only the smell of it,
and the sight of smoke.
The sky,
bright yellow.
I saw it coming.
I saw us breaking apart.
Did you?
As the sky gets even yellow,
i felt more and more threatened.
Your fingers interwined with mine,
we ran.
We ran from the savage destruction that was now almost visible.
Then you let go.
You let go to save yourself.
As the air thicken,
and flames flutter from branches,
flowers crackling,
everything we built together,
burnt into bare earth.
I remembered you promised,
for better or for worse.
This is my worse alright,
but you promised.
Where are you now?
You know what's worse?
I'd never leave you behind.
I'd grab your hand tighter,
and we'd run together.
And when serendiptous victory is ours,
we'll rebuild.
We'll plant seeds again.
But you ran.
You ran away.
But the worst part is,
I won't blame you.

(FAH)

Experiencing deaths are a lot like break ups
but you'll feel emptier.
Instead of him laying lips with another woman,
she kisses soil 6 feet under.
When you lose him,
he is still living in the same world-
just not yours.
When i lost my mother,
her pieces found
in the
milky way, the sun, that flower,
my heart.
But she, isn't in this world.
When you lost him,
you lost your entire world.
When i lost my mother,
my grandma lost a daughter,
her brothers lost a sister,
our worlds crashed apart.
When you lost him to another woman,
i lost her to God.
When you created a hurricane in your room,
glass shattered, things thrown,
i plucked weeds off her grave.
I will never see her down the street one day.
Or listen to her voice, or remember how goodnight kisses from my mum ever felt like.
When you lost him to another woman,
you'll meet many more him-s.
When i lost my mum to God,
i lost everything.

(FAH)

Last night,
my psychiatrist told me,
i was a brave girl.

I can't help but wonder,
how much she was paid,
to say this,
to all the other
girls
too.

( FAH )

i had your heart in my hands. and i dropped it in confusion.

number one, do not use depression as an excuse. do not use a flaw in chemistry to contaminate another soul.
second, a home is never a building. it's built a human, and it's constantly on the move - embrace changes. but like buildings, it may get demolished.
third, the hardest goodbyes are never bade. notice the colours fading, you're close.
number four, realise that the past is a broken record ought to be disposed.
fifth, all suppressed truths become toxic. not all harsh truths are better than lies, remember, telling a lie causes the liar to believe it. it might change him.
number six, emptiness is heavy. and feeling heavy weighs you down. $tay high, you'll feel lighter.
seventh, smiles are just expressions of joy. not radiating it leaves traces on your heart.

i had your heart in my hands, and i dropped it, i dropped it each time.

( FAH )

I woke up,
and scavaged through my bed for my cellphone.
i realized,
my earpieces formed a noose around my neck
and my sheets,
already seem to wrap my body.
i commited suicide in my sleep.
funny.
I woke up this morning,
disappointed.
no texts.
I expected that, but i never failed to check every morning that i woke,
in case you remember me before you fall asleep.
I woken up from a nightmare.
And to be honest,
i was in a state of denial.
Did it happened,
did it not?
In reality and in sub-consciousness,
you wrecked me in both.

(FAH)

Scarcely daring to breathe
this was a travesty
undoing the very concept
of being alive
i am made up of
nerves
muscles
skin and bones
And that's not enough
i yearn to be a vessel of
metaphors
love songs
beauty
i want to be a poem
i want to be read
i want to be embraced
but as i fold myself into elbows and knees,
the fears i feel
i'd rather give a miss.
heart palpitating.
afraid.

( FAH )

If you love her, remember that on bad days.
If you love her, love her harder when she least deserves it.
When you spend the night out being intoxicated,
remember she is drunk, choking on her tears.
When your eyes lust over another woman's body,
remember that she stripped herself-
3 layers, 300 walls
she was naked for you.
When you light up and carve a smile on your face, talking to a past lover,
remember that she,
she has been kissing those scars on your soul for them to heal,
she has fermented herself in your bones for you to stand,
she did not expect her sacrifices to be sacrificed.
When you are buzzed in your life, when there is hardly any energy left for you to talk to her,
remember that every ******* second she's without you,
it was a hell of a marathon for her.
When you get upset over her mistakes, correct her.
But remember do not correct her when you have wronged.
When you are tired of handling her emotional hurricanes that storms through your routines,
remember that those are just bad days.
Remember that storms pass.
Remember her when she laughs at your jokes that everyone else finds less humorous.
Remember her wide smiles and her glittering eyes when she looks at you.
Remember how she survived your storms.
If you love her, remember that on bad days.

( FAH )

They wanted to refer me there again.
It was my second time,
sitting in the ****** room.
How are they oblivious
to the fact that
western medication
flattens you out
in no colours.
That your emptiness,
gets heavier,
and your days get cloudier.
They said,
i need medication.
They don't know that the countless prescribed pills you force down your throat,
isn't far from drugs you'd normally abuse yourself.
You still sleep third-quarters of the day,
or you get so ******* edgy and jumpy,
you got insomnia.
That the very same pills they give you,
didn't make you feel better.
They turn you so bad,
it feels like an
ad infinitum of numbness.
Trust me,
i know.
I've been there before.
Sitting in the ****** room.

( FAH )

you can put me off your mind.
you can delete our photos from your phone.
you can scrub ******* your body,
to remove my fingerprints.
you can try to remove me.
but i hope when your phone lights up,
your heart beats fast,
and for a split second,
you might hope it was from me.
you can try to remove me,
but when someone mentions my name,
i hope the syllables burn at the back of your throat.
you can try to remove me,
but on cold nights,
i hope your body craves for my warmth.
you can try to remove me,
but your heart will miss its beats,
because it used to sync with mine.
honey,
you know what the worse part is?
you can try your hardest to remove me,
but i'm still all yours.

(FAH)

Even if you have to clench your fists,
with ****** knuckles
and broken wrists,
shattered eyes and pale lips,
you'll get through this.
Breathe.
Don't tremble.
Your voice should be shaky from
quivering the truth -
not fear.
Look straight.
Or your eyes will dart so quickly,
searching
for the infinite broken pieces
of your
heart.
Smile.
It'll make you feel better.
Laugh.
It's the best medicine.
Stand tall.
Do not stoop as low as defeat.
Swallow the lump in your throat.
Of tears, of pride, of ego.
Let it go beneath you and dissolve.
Do not let it lurk in you - it's toxic.
Sing, listen to music.
But stay away from your favourites.
they're all sad.
Be strong.
This is not your first battle.
Find your strength.

( FAH )

There is so much you can give
until you run empty
there is so much you can give but
only if it's received,
accepted,
noticed.
There is only so much you can endure,
until your vessel overflows,
or filled till it cracks,
or broken,
or exploded.
" But i'm only human "
so is he
so is she
so am i
Then how is it possible to be excused of mistakes
merely over a factual statement?
Humans.
The most filthiest, demonic, heartless species
Destroying
Destructing
Damage
to the extent of the victim being
unfixable
humans destroy
then cries
and blame its own kind

( FAH )

It doesn't matter whether or not
the glass is half empty or half full.
what matters,
is the substance that is being poured out.
and who are we to say,
that a man can't walk on four legs.
Someday, our labour will turn to dust.
ashes.
The world still revolves,
and no one will wait for you.
The sun will rise in the east
and sets in the west,
whether or not you can get out of bed.
The time you spend dwelling on a matter that won't so much affect you in 10 years, will fly like dandelion seeds.
There is nothing romantic about how the sea will never stop kissing shore,
no matter how many times it is sent away.
If someone wants you in their life,
they'll tell you.

( FAH )

When you're silent,
anybody can write your story.
Your silence becomes their interpretation.
Arrogant face.
Cigarette in-between pursed lips.
Glaring eyes.
Place your assumptions.
Little did you know,
it's a mask.
Her silence is barricade from showing
the most integral part of herself.
Her silence,
is filled with pain of yesterday's unnoticeable wounds on her hips.
Her silence,
one day will be forever.

Just because someone desires you,
doesn't mean they value you.
Just because he has mysterious black eyes,
and scars on his hands,
doesn't mean you'll be a part of his story.
Even if he calls you up at 2am,
because he miss the sound of your voice,
and the softness of your skin,
remember that he is -
he needed someone,
he didn't need you.
You're holding his hands,
looking at him,
and he seem miles away.
Remember, do not blame him for this aching pain.
Remember he is just a boy.
Remember it is your fault for letting yourself be treated this way.
Remember, honey, remember,
one more day will only postpone the heartbreak.
So as to say, that one more day might make him fall in love with you.
Anything can happen within that one day.
But never spend it in bed,
hugging your knees,
and crying till all the pain goes away.
Do not allow yourself to live in a state of denial.
Do not deny the fact that you are merely a passer-by who troubled him too much on his adventure.
Accept the fact your relationship is a pair of lines that crossed.
Accept the fact that honey,
no matter how much you love him,
even more than a fire loves a forest,
if he loves you back,
he'll come back home.

( FAH )

" Home is where your heart is. "
I've got,
broken things,
where my heart should be.

(FAH)

I stopped writing,
because i realized my words left no impact.
That when you look them up in the dictionary,
you couldn't find their meanings.
I stopped because,
i didn't want to face my problems.
That re-writing my thoughts
cuts deeper than my wounds.
That's when i learn how to run away from them.
But it distanced me further from the alphabets,
i could no longer sting them together without stuttering.
My words always stumble out of my mouth clumsily,
under heavy breaths,
i guess that's why they never made it into your head.
But sometimes, i leave the emotions behind my words
and let them float in stale air,
i guess that's why they never stayed in your head long enough.

(FAH)

i enjoy being alone
but not lonely.
it's not easy feeling worthless all by yourself.
it's not easy suppressing your thoughts
and emotions,
whilst catching glimpses of everybody else's lives ahead of you.
the sickening feeling will eat you up.
your cries of help are so loud,
so loud,
in your head.
in silence.
how is it that we grow up learning to speak,
but as we get older,
it is harder to find the right words to say?
it's not easy,
feeling so lonely
when you're being told,
" you'll never be alone "
i rather isolate myself,
than receiving absence when i need company.
i rather be alone on my own accord.

( FAH )

We say we want love
and yet we scatter salt upon slugs
uproot flowers for bucks
despite our innate knowledge
of the good and bad
we are
pusillanimous
we leave houses
to makes homes out of people
we destroy
to benefit
we want love
only to destruct it
But sometimes,
sometimes it is us that are destroyed
bruises, burns, scars
inflicting pain on ourselves because
we
are pusillanimous
it's difficult to put your trust in someone
but it only takes a thought to pull the trigger
it is horrifying to see the digits on the scale
but not as scary as sticking your finger down the esophagus
we are so contradicting
we are  bravely pusillanimous
but why

(FAH)

I'm sorry my mouth is lethal
When I'm angry.
I spit venom to avoid poisoning myself.
I hope you understand.
Maybe it's just me,
Missing you.

(Fah)

I started from the bottom,
isolated in an endless pit of darkness.
The barriers i faced within myself,
caged my desperate soul
in a collection of fearful,
baseless insecurities.
turnover
I danced the bandages loose from its tight binds around me.
It's not that i'm no longer afraid.
It's that i wasn't afraid to be scared anymore.
I learnt to ignite a spark
into a fire -
bursting in a confetti of passion,
my body is use
to express.
i will no longer have this toxic suppressed.
fear?
fearless.

( FAH )

i tried not to write of misery
and heartache,
but i always find myself writing about you in the end.
i don't want to seem depressed,
dependent,
almost pathetic,
as i find constellations to string together,
reasons why you left.
i know it seems a bit cliche,
but i guess now i understand movies.
it feels like i'm breathing underwater.
in reality, you worked as a lifeguard,
and you seemed so oblivious,
to me.
i'm drowning.
as the waves pushed me back further from shore,
you seemed to breathe better.
less suffocated.
the flowers i hoped i planted in you,
creeps out of your mouth,
they're weeds.
they have withered.
i have stopped watering them.
i thought i planted beautiful seeds in you, but they only turned out for the worse.
and i never knew,
till the vines suffocated you and creeped out your mouth.
and i'm sorry,
but i guess,
we've been both gasping for air.
honey, i'm sorry.

( FAH )

In the faded light,
the truth shone out.
There were so many explanations racing through my mind,
but " I'm sorry " kept spilling out my mouth.
How do you fathom these thoughts that only you can understand?
Behind every cigarette that burnt,
there was a reason behind each.
And oh i wish the problems could easily turn to ash along with it.
With every puff i intentionally destroy myself with,
there was even further damage with my silence.
Sorry -
I'm sorry.

( FAH )

When i'm gone,
i'd have removed all traces of myself.
You won't smell the stench of my odour lingering, always waiting,
you'll smell the scent of my dead body.
And none of you,
not a single soul,
shall shed a tear for me.
When i'm gone,
all my intentions and hopes
will scatter and bleed
along with my body.
And none of you,
not a single soul,
will resolve matters with me.
And that is ******* fine,
because when i'm still alive,
nothing is right either.
When i'm gone,
there won't be my clothings for you to hug to sleep,
or a single belonging of mine to put you in place.
Only then,
everything i've done for all of you,
all of my
hidden intentions and obvious indirects,
will be of your understanding.
soon.

(FAH)

After the disaster
i found myself bedashed
into minute pieces
Leaving these parts of me
with people who have long left
Shards of me stabbed their vulnerability.
This is why i distance myself; isolate
and i wish i wore a disclaimer around my neck
" BEWARE: GET NEAR, GET HURT "
i need a fixture -
a recovery
But how can i fly when the very people I'm doing this for are standing on my cape
I know that there are things i'd never be
i'm never enough
but if you give me a push
if you pull me through this disaster and the next
we might get to enjoy the rainbow together
if you stay long enough
you'll see me as a whole -
broken but restored

( FAH )

it wasn't supposed to turn out this way.
i was supposed to get better.
nothing was supposed to change.
it was supposed to get better.
i shouldn't be in this wreckage.
everything was supposed to get better.
better.
better.
better.
i've started to feel anger again.
the toxic brewing within me,
it's uncontrollable.
i've started punching walls again.
my knuckles bruised and swollen.
the paint on the walls has peeled from the blows.
i've started crying again.
the pearls trickling down my skin, hot.
i've started being edgy again, i've started having thoughts again, i've started being afraid again -
i've started again.
i've gone bad.
again.

( FAH )

remember when i was your boat,
and you were the sea?
and each time dark clouds hovered over us,
a thunderstorm rumbling it's oncoming presence,
your currents waves on to hit somebody else's shores.
it's like that isn't it?
I'm not jealous.
Just hurt.
I should have known better.
It happened once,
why the **** not again.

Five word story:-
as long as you're happy.

(FAH)

they say,
you don't need water to feel like you're drowning.

I promise,
i'll make it to shore alive.