i should probably not do this while ur asleep
******* move
specially while ur also going through things
i dont wanna sound like a ***** for complaining
and i really need to get it out
ill prob delete this in like an hour or so
if im still awake that is
idk

things havent really been getting better
its probably the lack of sunlight and the fact i have blackout windows
but im just. not getting better
and i feel bad because i Should be getting better
its January already for ***** sake
i ran out of excuses for the seasonal depression
i still lay in bed until two pm i still dont have motivation to do anything i still zone out for hours just staring at nothing wasting time and i just
i dont think im getting better
which is kind of hypocritical to be fair
like logically
i should be better right
i feel like im just doing it for attention at this point
but i dont even tell anyone about it because i dont want them to worry
but its still for attention just like
in a redundant way

in the way you trip yourself because you want your mom to hug you instead of just asking for it
i feel like my life is just. constantly tripping myself in hopes someone helps me up
but i dont even make a sound when i trip i just lay there on the floor
not even asking for help
and if someone stops i just go
‘oh no dont worry im okay’
and then feel upset they didnt notice
like

thats the most selfish ******* thing anyone can do right
refusing help when you clearly ask for it
make yourself the wounded animal
in hopes someone notices
and when they do you feel so bad about it
that you refuse the help
and then get mad when they
take that as an answer

idk
im tried
im so sosososo tired
probably due to lack of sleep
i havent sleept an actual whole night
in weeks

i dont even know
**** this
im deleting this
sorry for the notifications