I wish I would have never picked up your phone.
I wish i had never looked through it.
Was I wrong?
Absolutely.
But so were you.

And now, every day, I die a little more on the inside.
Just the knowing.
The awareness in that I am not good enough for you,
and I probably haven't been since the beginning.

I could make up a hundred different reasons why I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
But I don't have a hundred different reasons.

You broke me.
And I can't stop my hard beating heart.
I can't stop breathing hot down your neck.
I want my reason why.
And I will tear it out of you if I must.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Though my fury is quiet, it isn't small.
Though my love is vast, it is not forgiving.

You've ****** me raw
Do not think I'll be forgetting.

I hate that I can't go two minutes without glancing at my phone
to make sure I haven't missed
any electronic affection from you.

I hate that I check so often,
yielding so little reward.

And that, somehow
the more I miss you during the day, the more disappointed I am to see you at night.

Is it because I know now?

Sometimes I peel up my skin
Just to see if there is anything inside worth loving.
I'm so ugly on top. If I was pretty you'd look at me when we make love.
If I was beautiful I would have been enough.

Im allergic to certain metals.
When I wear them they make my skin crack and bleed.
Like how you did to me. Creating canyons in me, to dive to my heart for the ****.
But you were blind like I was deaf.

My skin isn't perfect.
It isn't smooth.
Its too dry in the winter.
Its too much to take care of.
My skin fits my bones as well as you do -

Hardly.

Sometimes I feel like Laura Palmer
Princess, precious, favorite daughter

I feel like I know her
But sometimes my arms bend back

Angel, sweetheart, filthy *****

Sometimes I feel as dead as Laura

Dead, wrapped in plastic
Somehow still adored.

It's the little things that keep you in love with someone.

Your concern for the frizziness of your hair after it rains.

The way you lick and then purse your lips after a laugh.

How you suddenly wake up at 4 am and rustle in bed - then roll over and take me tight in your arms.

Begging like a child for an afternoon snack, no one can take care of you better than I.

The way you tilt your head down, gazing just above your glasses, to focus on something.

The way your belly moves when we have ***.

Yes, it's the little things.

When I was a child, I was bulletproof.
My scabbed wounds and sticks-and-stones attitude
shielded me better
than my mother ever could.

The scar tissue of my scraped knees and raw fingertips
built up
more protection
than I needed.

Alas, that was childhood.
I didn't want to be protected.

Now I am weak.

I am fragile and pale
I can see my pulsing
sickly blue veins
and feel my out of time
and off-beat heart
throbbing in pain.

Now I am unprotected.
Now I'd give anything for a bulletproof vest.

I left my place
An empty throne
On a mountain of love.

And you, dear
So aptly named
Deserve it so much more than I.

You'll make much better
A mother and wife
Than I could have ever.

i got greedy.

so i started talking to you again.

i'm not entirely sure
if your electronic presence

the glow of your name on my screen

has made me feel
better
or worse.

I dreamt of you again last night.
Your smile took me back in time to the enchanted lands.

Awake in the forest,
With eyes sewn shut.

I'll never forget the freedom you gave me
And forced me to feel.

Swimming through shark-infested waters
I clung to the hope that I could be happy.

But god has his ways.
And in the garden of love I had gotten lost in,
I found monsters.

They ripped me away from you
From our provinces.

Now our memories, once beloved
Are feral, rabid ghosts.

Life is short.  It is fast and unforgiving.  
And in the time that we are given
- the time we are allotted to spend here on this planet -
we don't ask nearly enough questions.

No, not "who where why when how".

Questions that matter.

Will it rain tomorrow?
What's your name?
The first two things I said to your face.

We were younger then, and I didn't know that in a month's time
I would be asking you much more important things.

Like your favourite colour.
The songs that lift your spirits.
If I could be someone, anyone, to you.

And now.
We are where we are.
You have become to much more to me than I had ever dreamed,
and, as you had told me, time and time again, I to you.

Life is short, so I want you to know that I love you.
I love you more than "I love you" could ever say.

Life is fast, and I want to make these memories
-however virtual and electronic they may be -
last.

And life, above all, is unforgiving.
I will never be able to tell you what I want you to know.

I'm not so sure anymore that I will do anything worthwhile with the time I am given.
After all...
What kind of time would I be spending without you?

I write too many "I ams"
I I I
me me me
and yet, I'm trying to talk about you.
The way you make me feel when I am all alone
wrapped in blankets and thoughts
sometimes music, sometimes not
mostly your prerecorded thoughts on repeat before I go to sleep.

And look at me now.
Trying to write pretty "poetry"
to appease the goddess in my mind.
your face and your hair are one in her
one in the same in my happiness and pain.

I want to sing to you every night
and scream your sorrows away
oh my god, how I would fight for you
but my tears are pointless today.
I'm not really your type.

So.
What's my narcissistic word count for this one?
How selfish am I in longing
for the gold I could spin from your hair
and like a dragon I would hoard you
my gem, my crown jewel
and selfishly keep you away.

I poke hole after hole in myself
Not for pain,
Not for another space to be empty,
But to fill them with gems and metal and ink
And become my vision of beauty.

I want to be the pretty girl
That people scoff at on the street.
I want to be the beautiful girl
That is not-quite-naked between the sheets.

So give me a gun and a needle
And I will stick myself through and through
"Don't let words or thought define you,"
I won't.
Because I'm gonna be beautiful too.

A sadness fills the empty space
An open, gaping hole, I thought I had left.
The needles ***** at my lungs like icewind on a winter morning
As I try to breathe you in.
You hurt me so badly.
Oh god, I want you.

And I thought I was okay before I met you.

A sadness fills my aching heart
A terrible love I thought I had cured.
Your fingertips send me love through the air, keystrokes and despair
And what wouldn't I do to fly to you?
Cutting wings -
I love you so much, I am so sorry.

I just can't.

A deconstruction begins
A creation I thought I had adored.
My mangled heart clings to you.
My blood is on your hands.

I plead my soiled love, youth, and blood

it is not my fault.

I have waited a thousand-and-one years
For my long fabled prince to come.
My tower is crumbling,
And my bed turning to stone.
I have waited far too long
And my heart is dying.

If only I had known you
Before I knew him.
If only I had known your skin
Maybe things wouldn't be this way,
I would not owe to life
Such bitter debt.

We could live together somewhere
In the city - you and I
Singers and painters and names
Not yet written down in the book of life
For such a life would we have to live!

We'd be those silly romantics -
The kind you see in sappy indie films
And the kind that people pluck guitar strings to.
The ones whose faces ache from smiling,
Whose lips and eyes are chapped by love.

Instead our lives are less saturated with love
Then they should be.
Hundreds upon hundreds of miles
Taking our breath away
With each and every word.

Breathlessly sleeping,
And endlessly awake.
I am so tired, I am so tired.

If only I could keep my mouth shut.
Keep my heart shut.
If only I had waited.
If only I had waited for you.

What would I do to hold you -
More like
What wouldn't I do?
What wouldn't I give up
In order to feel your body
Next to mine

Burying you beside me
In love, affection
Compassion
And passion
To touch you
To hold you
To call you mine

And what wouldn't be
Sweeter than this?
For once, I would be happy
I would be in bliss
If I could do more than dream of your kiss

What wouldn't I do for you, baby?
I would do anything.
What couldn't I do for you, honey?
I can't do
anything.

You're sick and tired of the things you used to know
Now you bargain for another place to call your home
If life was easy we would all be singing happy
As god would have it we can never look for hope.

So, caught out in the rain
You cried wolf
Once dry, whet again
Your taste for another, other place
A face.

Had you been broken from a failure in the start
You wouldn't have to check the falter in your heart
Shock waves and heartaches and wounds of yesterday
Cut, collected, and sealed in your throat
Decisions and numbers, and the things that you wrote.

So, caught out yet again
Your lust paled
Regrets and demands, your borderline
Body bag of broken hearts!

Your memory yet smolders in my heart
And your ashes have been ground into my wounds
I wear them now like tattoos
A bleak, crude reminder
Of what I neglected
And would lose.

I wanted to make music
And I wanted to be a star
I wanted to be so far away from who you are
Dirtied by the masses
And scarred

Bitter taste
Plastic smile
Lead heart

Now I paint my face
To take off my skin
And bare the ***** within.

You bury me
Beneath a mountain of bones
Your skeletons, tired of closets
Ripping the doors open
Longing to be free

And here I sit
Sipping silently
My blood and rage boiled over
In my heart, heavy with such woe
I will never be what you want
I will never be her, though

Crimson.
Ivory.
Charcoal.

Let me rip her apart for you
Let me tear her apart, my love
You want to know her every angle
Let me splinter her bones
May I?

Crimson.
Ivory.
Charcoal.

Let me cry to you of my failures
Let me sing to you of my hopes
You want me to know I'm not alone
Let me shred myself at the core
May I?

Crimson.
Ivory.
Charcoal.

You bury me.

All alone
I can't stand the way they look at me
In the street, in the light
I can't hide or fight the judging eyes
And sacrifice
The happy child from long ago
She cries
"What's happened to me?"
"What's happened to me?"

I'm alone
To the pace of the world
I'm an off beat note
I march
To a grey tune
And I run
Farther from you
Away from you

Stay away from me
I scream as you feel my
Heavy bones
My blackened heart and soul
They're not for you to know

As the panic, rush
Sets in
I weep, I mourn for this
State of mind
My piece of mind is gone
Lost forever to this
Anxiousness