oh
****

I wish I could stop getting attached

anybody

who dares to show me the slightest hint of attention, or affection

interest

an instant reply

just wanna hold you
let you hold me
I picture in my head how we could be

pathetic.

we kiss
your hand on my thigh
pulling up my leg to hook your hip
just like in the movies.

every day I waste away here
I entertain the glorious idea
of getting up
and walking out

Alas

I need this job
more than I need my dignity.

I have been lilac  

I have been the sea.

I have been black as night,

(brown was just alright)

and a honey-blonde me.

I feel like every color of the rainbow

wouldn’t be enough to draw you to me.

I hear the electricity humming above me as I make my way back on the long dark road. Lampposts scarce, my way is illuminated by the irregular volumes of light pouring from the cars that pass me by. I catch glimpses of roadside carcasses  in the abstract light, and through my open mouth.

The path is clear but it is jagged. My canvas shoes have gotten wet from the shallow puddles I couldn’t see.

Sometimes it is dark. It is lonely. There are no cars, carcasses, or other urban romantic ideas to keep me company in my travels.

Sometimes I get so focused, furiously typing. I end up in the middle of the street. A horn blares. My heart catches in my stomach and I correct my failed trajectory.

It is 7:43 pm on a Saturday night at the end of February and I wish you were here to walk me home.

I wonder how long it takes
to complete this transition
from despair
to apathy

I've been waiting for ages
for this hurting to stop
so familiar, but so much sharper
than time and time before

in my past
the pain was not chronic

But you go on
and on
and on.