I blink hard in the darkness of the evening light, struggling to find your eyes. I find your mouth instead, soft and gentle against mine, pleading for my tongue and so much more. I find your hands - and I feel them move up my body. You leave impressions of your fingertips on my most hidden skin for the first time. For each chill you send down my spine, I gasp and moan into your ear, hotter and hotter each time. But still, I cannot find your eyes.

Instead, I find you less soft, less pleading - more demanding than ever. How could I deny you - how could I deny myself? The hottest dream I've ever dreamt.

And the only way to measure the passage of time is how many times I feel you, again and again, for the very first time. Your skin against mine. Our breath fogs the window. Your hands in my hair. Sheets strewn, bodies bare.

Babe, you took me there.

The clock ticks on and it's easier to get by. The sun comes up, the sun goes down. So do I. But as bland and listless as these days are, they beat on. Without a care from my mother, without love from my lover. And each morning I still do manage to muster the strength to crawl up and out of bed. No matter the weight of my bones, my heart, or my head.

As much as I don't want to be, I still am. As much as I fight the human need for light and oxygen - the sun still kisses my skin. I feel every breath that I take in. I must find peace not with another - but within.

The days are becoming a blur. A sickening blend of everything and nothing. You could almost call it a bad high - if it had any of the slightest pleasure of one. I have felt too much, and now I have become too little. I have negated myself and I am a walking dream in this waking nightmare. Now if only I could remove myself from the equation.

I feel so heavy. And my bones, with rusted joints, need far too much care and coaxing to move. And I'll be honest - it hurts to stay in bed all day. But it hurts to make myself exist, too. It hurts to breathe. What is the point? How can I help anyone - how could I love anyone - when I can barely take care of myself?

I keep waiting for my knight in shining armor. I keep waiting for my true love to materialize out of thin air, here to save the day and tell me that everything is going to be alright.

I keep writing, as if it will keep me numb and from feeling.

And as much as it burns my lungs,
I keep breathing.

I keep hanging on, for some possibility of a promise that the air will clear and the sun will shine through the dust and smog, and bring me a beautiful day, and a beautiful love -  and I will wipe the mud from my face. And by the grace of god, maybe one day, I will be beautiful enough to deserve.

I used to paint myself to plastic perfection. By the buzzing light of my squalid bathroom, I would paint a portrait of a queen on an otherwise less stunning, far less beautiful canvas. Synthetic eyelashes, artificial pigments and all, I was something to devour.

And as I adorned myself in little more than lace and elastic, I felt less like a plastic gem. I felt far more like a diamond, primed and ready to be displayed to an endless array of lost souls from every dark corner of the internet.

I had never been more lauded in my life. I was some sort of ethereal creature to worship.

But only as much as I was a ***** to purchase.

And all too quickly, the gems lost their sparkle. The tokens lost their shine, and I lost that glimmer in my eye.
As much as I was a work of art to inspire, I was cheap, and thrown together. Meant to be torn apart.

And now, so many people own so many parts of me. So many secrets.
I cannot even own myself.