I'm not used to disappointment, I just expect it.

When you always expect disappointment, is that a flaw in your nature or everyone else's?

I touch you, you cry
I kiss you, you whine
You glare, you stare
You bite me,
And neglect me
I don’t see you as much anymore,
But kitty, we got history and I’m never gonna stop loving you.
(meow)

with shovel in hand,
I go to the back of the barn.
earth broken, I begin digging.
My heel driving into the shovel,
and tossing the remnants over my head.
As the anger subsides to a calmer demeanor,
I take a second to breathe.

sitting next to a tree fronting the purple and blue sky with scattered stars
he stares at me, not with sadness or pity,
but of curiosity.
    What are you doing?
i ignore the cat and keep digging..
teeth tight against each other,
i dig until my arms are weak and
i can't see straight-- until my body trembles
    
Why? why do you continue to do this?
  there is nothing down there for you.

looking down at my shovel, i pause and with a heavy breath;
   There's nothing here for me anymore,
   i gave this life a chance,
   i found love-- i had dreams and i had life
   i can't bare the disappointment anymore.
   i'm done here
   nothing satisfies me here
   nothing

with hopeful intentions;
There's so much more to life than what you see before your eyes my friend

with a scowl, i look up
     My time here is done, there's nothing more that i can do, i've given them everything i have  
     and i've gained nothing but misery, and hopelessness--
     there's no sun to my moon,
     my path ceases as dawn rises
     i won't be a victim to life's cruel taunts anymore

a tear runs down the cat's soft face as he pities the stranger,
i begin digging again

with a brave intent, the cat speaks out of pure compassion;
I'm sorry you feel that way
if you let me hel---
  
with a swift movement, the digging ceases and    
the shovel is thrown at the cat with lethal intent

terrified and frantic, the cat flees for his life.
after a far enough distance where the cat feels a brief sense of security,
the cat glances over his shoulder one last time with concern and worry,
only to see a black silhouette staring at the ground with a glistening speck falling from his face growing smaller as he continues to run.

the cat went back the next morning--
no one was there, just the shovel where it had landed the night before,
and a hole dug so deep, no light could find the end.

You're all I ever wanted, but nothing I ever asked for.

You just silenced the joker in me,
The brightside to any occasion,
The light to the dark just had a shadow pass over it.
You numbed my very being.

The world isn't what I thought it was,
This life isn't the life I know;
It just betrayed me,
Took the trust out from under me,
Now I look at it and wonder.

Life is not the same,
Now I see it all in a different light,
A criminal rather than a friend;
A two-faced, deceitful liar.
Now I look at life and question its beauty,
Its love,
And its purpose.

*I want to protect you,
Hold you,
Shield you from all the monsters out there.
I wasn't there for you that night,
But I will be watching,
And life's sweet treats won't fool me anymore

Don't cry pretty girl, you'll ruin your makeup.

Putting make-up on while you drive,
you wanna look pretty for your accident?

She sits there alone and cold
Cold from the fight they just had
Cold from the words given
Just cold

She rethinks the talk they had,
Rethinks all the moments that went bad
All the regret just harbored
She sits there alone
Isolated from the one she wants the most
He’s two hundred miles away, doesn’t even care
Doesn’t even say goodbye doesn’t even apologize
Apologize for all the neglect

All the strife
The pain between them
The anguish he gives
The lonely nights he induces
The broken heart he creates
He doesn’t even know

She sits there tending to the wound, the deep
Cut visible to no one but hurts her like a disease
Like a disease, it eats her away bit by bit
Clutching to her like a newborn child,
It won’t go away
Won’t let her forget that night
Won’t let her think of anything else but him

She sits there thinking
Being productive just isn’t an option
It’s like she’s sick
It’s like she can’t move, knowing he’s angry
But he doesn’t chase her
Doesn’t fight for her like he should
Like he told her that night
The confessions he gave her
The high he gave her
The addiction he’s given her
It’s like he forgot

Overwhelmed with himself and the moments he’s in,
He never recalls that night,
Neither does she
He never talks about the kiss,
Neither does she
He never tells her what she needs to hear,
Because he doesn’t know
Can someone be so ignorant?
Can someone really not sense a connection between two people?

He leads her on like a horse to water
But leads her to nothing but dry sand
He uses her like a tool,
One day but not the next
Like she’s a convenient item waiting around
For him when necessary
Like she doesn’t deserve better

Yet she sits, thinking
Her addiction is too strong
Her heart is weak
And her need is great
She texts him
Looking for a response
Anything to help her move forward
Anything to give her hope with a future with him
Anything to remind her of that night
Anything to remind her of the moments they shared
In denial,
He doesn’t say it
Not one word closer to what she needs
Not one call closer to what she yearns for
So she waits
She plays the friend card,
The loyal, pure-minded friend
Holding back her feelings,
Holding back the lust until he says it
Something, that anything
So she can finally tell him
She knows it won’t be tonight maybe not tomorrow
But she waits
Like a tiger to its prey,
She waits for a drunken night
And drunken texts
She waits for his vulnerability to heal her own
Waits for the confessions to begin
Waits

Day by day she withers away
Waiting for a boy
Who knows nothing but joy
Knows nothing of pain
Knows not the love he can gain
With such few words
Because she can love him like no other
Be like no other lover
Be like none before
And still have him coming back for more
So he sits there drinking a beer
Talking to his friends who sit near
Ignorant to the pain he gives her

As she sits there quietly
Hurting, yearning
Drinking the pain away
Smoking the hurt into ash
Getting her fix from the thing he quit
And falling faster and deeper into an emotional pit

This is why people isolate themselves
They don’t like vulnerability
They don’t like pain
The hurt, regret, stabbing, burning, cutting, pain
They don’t want to cry
To sit there all night on some false hope
False hope of attachment of potential
No
They turn their back
Ignore the person who hurts them
Ignores them like a child giving the cold shoulder
Facing away from him,
With tears in her eyes
She hurts herself by separating from him
By building a wall
Hurts herself by trying to end their relationship,
End everything they are,
But she’s weak

Looking over her shoulder to see if he’s still there,
She picks up her phone to write another text.

I told you, I know I did,
I told you that you were all I have.
Without you, I’m a half.  
The moon without its stars.
Doesn’t matter who else is there, if you’re not around,
Everything means nothing,
Don’t do this.

You don’t understand yet, because I haven’t let it all go yet,
Haven’t unleashed my words for you yet.
But it’s like a volcano, give it time, I’m going to erupt, everything I’ve
Held inside of me.  One day, soon hopefully, I will tell you, I will let you know
What you mean to me, and why it hurts so much to sit here and wait for you.
Waiting isn’t the key issue here.  It’s waiting every day. You say I gave up?
Yea, I was pushed passed my limit; I wait everyday, every shift that you work, that I work,
You really are the light at the end of the tunnel, but for some reason you have cones set up and a man holding a sign in front of me telling me to wait; just enough to tease me, yet not let me through.  I can taste the end.  You torture me day and night.  Texting isn’t enough for me.  I need to see you, yet you make me wait, every time.  

You say I’m mean to you; well maybe you have a taste of what I go through.  You always have me at the end of the stick till you’re ready for me, like I’m some convenience, you say I’m mean and I’m repeating your past, well sir, this is the same **** I went through too, and believe me, I’m not going through that again either, my defense is up and I’m not your convenience, I’m not going to wait here, putting my life on hold, just so I can be with you.  If I don’t mean that much to you, let me go please, this isn’t worth it, I’m not giving up, I’m just not putting my energy into someone who can’t give me back what I deserve.

*I wrote it.  He took my soul.  My first almost love took away all the magic and joy out of life.  Cut me so deep no one can see it, yet I bare it every day and live with the pain every day.  A year later I still feel the pain, but I’ve dosed myself with the heaviest pain medication, maybe that’s why I can’t fully appreciate or open myself to you, he took it all, all the chips, and all the wonderful feelings, I think I’m still numb from the medication and I don’t know when it’ll wear off…wait for me.

I love the tortured soul,
The damaged one under all the new,
The one with tears and bruises,
The one for sale and in the back;
The untouchable.
I’ll fix you.
Come to me and I’ll give you all I've got.  
From the clothes I’m wearing to the money in the bank.
I’ll help you no matter what.
We may not know where we're going
We may not have a plan,
But chin up; we’ll get there.
Don’t believe it?
Well, you got me and we'll figure this out together.
Take my hand, come with me,
This journeys too far to see,
But hey, look at me,
We’ll get there,
I promise.

I’m trying to find the right words for you.
Since my voice is silenced when you raise yours,
Let me clarify the unworded thoughts in my head,

I crave you at all hours of the day,
You are my time and my love.
I found a life with you and without you,
It’s like a heart without a beat

When I wait for you, I grow older,
A little more stressed,
A little more bitter because
I’m holding my hand out for you,
Waiting for you to take it.
Itching for you to take it,
Hurting with every moment that passes,
Yet you tease me.
Yet here I am,
Arm getting heavier,
Shaking with fatigue and anticipation,
                                     please
Just take it.

We become selfish with times like these,
we want pity for the demon dragging us down because no one understands him like you do.  
All for what?
Others have been through these struggles, they’ve lived through this storm already and came out survivors,
they keep moving and they don’t stop living.
We want to be selfish, but life eggs us to move forward,
to keep our chins up;
look at the sky and watch as the clouds move forward; unstoppable.  

Survivors never stop, they keep plowing through the times and the sun will rise again.  
And when it does, you need to be stronger.
A new person who understands;
A new person who is now not only a survivor, but a warrior of life:
Someone who has seen the ugly and lived to tell the ugly side of life.  

Survive and help others like you.
Don’t become lost, when you become lost,
you’re not you anymore,
and that’s the last thing they ever wanted to happen.

Believe me,
They’re sorry for leaving you and its hard for them as well, but keep your chin up for them and yourself. No one meant for this to happen, but it is.  
Face hell, and be stronger than the demon holding onto you because you will lose yourself and you will perish along with the memories they left with you.

(Survive and carry them with you; take them wherever you go.  
When you do that, they’ll be there too.  
They’ll be right next to you smiling).

I’m just tired,
Look away—turn your head.

Don’t worry about me,
Or your empty promises,
Those words you never keep,
The ones that I cling to,
The ones that follow me wherever I go.
All the waiting I do,
The lonely nights I withstand.
The silent, yet lethal torture you put me through.
You say I look angry?  (Do I look angry?)
Don’t worry,
I’m just tired.

Every picture of us,
the presents you gave me,

I just see the arguments and fights we got in.
You mean the world to me; really.
You say the same about me, but I'm not first in your life like you are mine.
I'm top 5, the maybe-if, after I'm done with these people-kind of person.

I'm ready to give up, turn around, walk away,
Never look back.

I'm not a dog.

I won't wait for you to get home and wag my tail like that didn't hurt.
That just because you ignore me as I sit here conveniently for you, I won't forgive you because you fed me.  Your hugs and kisses are nice, but when I'm here all alone and think of nothing but you, you're out there with your friends, people I can't hang out with, people I don't get along with.  I don't do this to you.  I separate our time together, I don't make you wait for me, watching the clock, praying for a text...

Maybe you're not worth it,
When everyone is having fun; here I am in my room, waiting.

I need to make a stand-I won't be scared of you- you hurt me, pushed me to the limit- time for yours, get ready.

To grasp at nothing is scary,
It’s tempting
Yet it’s the shadows of the night,
The empty darkness before you that feels nothing,
Feels like nothing
But it will bring you down faster than an anchor could.
It’ll keep you at port and you’ll never sail again.
Don’t let it get you.
Refuse the chain,
The connection to darkness.
It’s poisonous to your soul—
You wont make it out alive.
Look to the sky and dream big—
Believe in the stars—the light shining on you—
There you’ll make it far and have a one-way trip to the moon—your destiny.
Believe in it; ignore the darkness and go.

Here I go,
Knife in hand,
I’ll do it,
I swear I will.
Don’t watch me,
But see my blood,
The pain you caused.
I’m doing this for you,
You won’t understand the pain inside,
Till you see it right under your nose.
You’ll see,
I’ll make you feel bad,
I will,
Don’t believe me?
Just watch,
Here I go.