One day, in the days ahead
I will find myself sitting on the edge of a ledge
and I will ask myself how I got there.
I will look back at these faces that I love fiercely
and who love me in return
so tender, unquestioning and with totality.
I will see my dad's old face across the blue
and my mom's eyes, so gentle,
will merge true with my beautiful sisters'
who are very dear to my heart.
and it would be too painful to love them
any more than I can now or ever could.
My darling wife would be dancing with the boys.
I will hear the echoes of joy over dinner,
first steps and pubertal voices,
fights and hugs and smiles and tears
in the whisper of the cool ocean breeze.
And my boyhood friends so dear from youth gone fast
will roll aching in laughter and mirth and beer
singing songs of manly victories and broken dreams.
And I will fondly remember those precious secrets I can only know
of loves lost and those that cannot be
and I will still be content,
and I will still be happy,
for I will have loved as much as I could love, and more.
I will look far beyond the horizon,
and I will be overwhelmed and humbled
by these lives and love that came my way
in the vast expanse of time and space.
I will ponder at the immeasurable meaning they bring to my living,
and I will be honored and blessed with bliss,
for I will know I will have lived a worthy life.
When that day comes that I am sitting on that cliff
I will look at the rocky abyss below
safe from the violent waves that thunder the sound of my years.
And I will hold my breath in awe at sitting
on top of the world.

so don't change then
you seem to be perfectly comfortable
in your insanity.
wrestling, withdrawing,
anhedonia coming alive in your party
master wrangler of sorrow,
been there, done that.
and like watching
the christians and the lions,
i am rooting for you
but know you will shed blood.
and when you are devoured enough
you come to life,
crazy sonafabitch.
stay where you are then,
forget em happy pills.
i will go certifiable with you
as long as you do not forget
the lunacy of our love.

one day, love will find you.
you will sit softly in a chair
and you will drink your wine
and a smile will never leave your face.
you will be content
you will not be wanting.
it will not be a knock on your door
with red roses and fairy tales.
it will not read like a storybook
it will not be a hymn or a song
or a dream run over and over.
it may not even be there for you to hold.
you may not see it when it finds you
but you will know.
and you will no longer cry
the kind of tears in your eyes.
and just when you could see through those tears,
you will no longer be looking.
when you do
look me up
i will remember your name.
give me the pleasure to tell you
i told you so.

in another world
i would come home to you
worn and weary
and you would wait by the door,
and smile with your eyes.
and we would sit and eat,
the soup warm by the fire
and listen to the silence
that brings us near
just like our laughter and songs
fills the space between us.
and we would feel the touch on flesh,
and we would make love till we are spent.
but in this world
we are wandering souls that found each other,
so different and yet so one.
but subject to time and space.
and precious people that we love
and love us back.
so we would have to move on
in parallel worlds.
but one day i know
our paths will cross again.
and when those roads merge
even for one sweet, finite moment,
i would be running home to you,
strong and eager,
and i will see your eyes smile
when you open the door,
and welcome me
for our feast of food and laughter,
and songs and silence,
and endless loving
till every drop is spent.

i **** at deflecting blows
they find me with my mouth open
and feast in a flurry of hurt.
always not primed to react
mind blanks out when provoked
especially when you smile
blind me with lust and loving
before you gouge my heart.
logic gone berserk
when we cuddle one moment
then recoil from the proverbial **** a second later.
a word left hanging, a sigh in a wrong place, a curse out of context
then just like that
i am ****** again.
hell, i do not even know where that came from!
i **** at ressisting your tears
or stopping mine
and then, as we bask in a moment of bliss,
we do this all over again
just to mess up a sunny day in winter
in the name of love.
you run to hide, and i chase you down
so you could **** me up again,
inevitably,
as surely as i said earlier
that i **** at this.

this is no fun
this poker game we play
not knowing what cards you hold
not even sure of the rules.
have mine so close to my chest
so what's next?
i want to scream my aces
delight in the pleasure of your eyes
delighting with me
but i fear this is not how you play the game.
i cannot read your tell
by the way you keep silent
or hide perhaps in your nervous giggle.
it should be so simple but its not,
you ******-up my cool
i am out of your league
such a shame
to have a full house
and still unable to crack your shell.

the skin toughens with every bruise
the top layer sheds
the next one steps forward for another beating.
pretty soon numbness sets in.
its called learning.
it takes a little getting used to,
some time and tough luck
a little bit of twisted logic
a shrug, and a stubborn capacity to endure.
like onion being peeled, the tears well up
when the dried layer comes off.
so... you beat me up, and i take it.
if you smile past your raging fits,
i learn. we move along. nice and dandy.
just do not give up on me.
one day, i will be reasonably numb.
and then we will comfortably
beat each other to a blissful stupor.
so lemme have it if you feel like it, love.
i am an eager learning ******.
just hold me tight
whenever you pounce on me
and let me know when it is over.