there is nothing more motivating
than a (mortal) deadline
and suddenly I am like a fighter jet
who has a lock-on by enemy missiles
and is desperately trying
to release all those countermeasure
flares

the phantom pain hits me
and I remembered when I did
long roadtrips across Europe
in each separate roadtrip
there was always a cost to Tachi
(the blue tesla purchased with pokemon cards)
it was a flat tire
or a scratch in the paint
or hitting the curb and bending the bumper
or a crack in the windshield
or the rims slowly grinding down
as I tried to park
there is always a cost
to traveling
and to get where I was going next
I had surgery and left something behind
not quite as paint
but deeper than that
and now the phantom pain
reminds me
I have more to go
and still a lot
to leave behind

I sit comfortably on the sofa
with the toaster strapped to my face
lights flicker through the leaks to my skin
a psychedelic spectacle unfolds before me
the so called vrchat rave scene
we all don our costumes
mine being a dope cat
with a beanie hat
holding a joint and slurry
the events are never ending
overwhelming
on this friday night scene
I join the first, it's been a while
but there are more avatars around
there's something comforting in knowing
I'm not the only one here.
as the DJ set begins
lights and particles bathe us all in
they drum to the sounds
like sand in the desert
and big footsteps vibrating
I raise my virtual paw
I can almost feel it all
as they move back and forth
crossing me like a ghost
the other avatars, shy at first
gradually
start dancing
the previously only visual piece
translated to human energy
the furries, the catgirls, the normies
all optimized avis
so we don't crash ourselves
chatting and listening and
experiencing
a shared obscenity
that is this simulacra and simulation
which is simultaneously
comforting me.

I see you care for nothing
as nothing cares for you
it's payback time
if only it were true
I never understood the appeal
of haikus
so this will continue
right on through
until you are shaken
to the core
and hopefully awakened
more than expected
in this all nighter I'm pulling
to get the point across
absence, by definition, is lacking
can you, by recognition, acquire it
without realizing how such magic
you are refusing to tap in
is self-made as well as densely paid
with a few euros worth of effort
that you discard already anyway?

i'm a beautiful sculpture of a cutiepie
hunk of a powerful figure of a man
carved of mcvegans, french fries,
asahi beers, kinder maxis, ciabatta
sandwiches, popcorn, lemon-flavoured
pepsi max, macadamias and pistachios
green and red wine, occasional carlsberg
(folköl), aglio e oglio, snickers bars,
salted lays, bashmati rice,
and cheap frozen pizzas from Willys
bought ten minutes before closing time

underneath the floor
there is silence
except for my art
as I drag the sofa
back and forth
to make room
for the play area
or to eat while watching a movie
above the ceiling
its a mediocre play
no rhythm, no beats
tolerable beyond its rarity
sometimes voices
mostly from the TV
given the timing on the daily
behind the walls, more of the same
no passionate banging
no cries of ecstasy
except whatever resonates from my own
about once year
the one party now quiet
as families and routines
settled in
there is less and less room
for us all
including the sound
that once must have roared
in this building ten
when the young could afford
the future on a credit hold

we all think we had
the wrong starter pack
to explain this mess
this eleven year old
explaining me how her mom was ***** young
and her mom's husband, her dad,
is abusive and narcissistic
and she spends her time in vrchat
getting rejected by strangers
for being too young and therefore
dangerous
but witnessing also all the weirdos
hunting this jungle
while her parents argue
instead of warning her
this seventeen year old
adopted
moving from state to state
by her mom's job
stuck in eighth grade
adopting dad in jail
lifetime punishment for driving
and killing one poor soul
but at least she is six months older
than her boyfriend
and can meet him virtually
and not feel so alone
even if she could be better alone
than with unwanting biological parents
or a hateful adopting father
or more weirdos on the internet
there are many more
wrong starter packs
perhaps all starter packs
are wrong be definition
because nothing could ever be
perfect
and if it was
what would be the
reason?