As hammers pound away above my head and the worker bees shuffle to keep in pace with a singsong hymn, you know that I am lost. Lost in a world of dreams and magic. Distracted by my own enchanted daydream I lose sight of reality as it truly exists. My reality is bland and full of repetition but at night, when the moon comes out and the stars shine, anything becomes possible. I feel your warmth. Your arms tight around my mid section. Your heartbeat pounding like a drum as you rest your weary head in the nook between my shoulder. The gentle tickle of your fingers caressing my arm and I once again feel alive. Feel your love. Just a taste of your existence and I need more. Call me an addict because that’s not far from the truth. I feed my addiction with a box full of memories and a slumber that makes my day feel inferior. Why wake up? Why, ever, wake up?

A thought
A fleeting thought
A fleeting thought of life without you
You my angel of hope
My angel of light.
If my body were to pass in one of the moments I cherish with you
I would look back on it with contentment
For you put a smile on my face
Light in my eyes
Love in my heart

A fleeting thought of life without you
Is one of the most devastating thoughts to run through my head
To lose you, catastrophe would then ensue
And in the dawn of my depression, in the dawn of my darkest hour
A pain surges through my body leaving my blood cold and my heart colder

Always and forever is what I promised and always and forever is still what I know in
my heart of hearts will be the outcome
There is no me without you
Me without you might as well be a body without a purpose
A bird without a song
A dog without a master
Me without you is misery

As that thought leaves my head, just as quick as it came
I realize that I am lucky

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

- Alan Cohen

Heard this today and really liked it.

“She is too good for you. Her mind is too brilliant. Too intricate. And how do I know this? Because I get her. Quite possibly better than anyone on the face of this planet. I’ve seen her ups and downs and I know her pains and joys. And she plays the exact same role to me. But, the only difference between her and I is that I know that I can’t live without her. She doesn’t yet. And that’s why I feel sorry for you. Because once she realizes that no other man on the face of the planet gets her like I do, well from then on the idea of us is like a cancer, always lurking in the back of her mind. So go now, explore the world and enjoy your time, but it is my plot that shall be next to hers when this world ends.”

My dear youthful nation, what is happening to us? We are tearing ourselves apart little by little and without knowing it self-destructing our own futures. Careless actions and delusions of an immortality that simply does not exist lead us to mistakes with consequences that can be prevented. Let those from our past be present in our lives by remembering the lessons that they teach us. That no matter how young we feel, no matter how invincible, even the mighty can fall. Our generation is a generation of spontaneity and moments. Yes, live for the moment. But also live for the future. Live for your dreams, plans and ambitions. Live for your friends and family and take not for granted all that you have in this world for there are those that have less than you. Seize every opportunity that you are given and do not waste the talents that have been bestowed on you. For you are lucky to be here. To be here one more day, one more hour, one more minute. Cherish it.
RIP Jake 1/25/10

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

-Umberto Eco

Your hand I hold on this sweet summer night
A perfect moment frozen in time
Live in it forever while utter happiness ensues
A constant grin on my face in the moments with you
I cherish all that you give me day in and day out
A retreat from the world with out any doubts
No doubts about you, me or us
There’s no other like you, you’ve captured my trust
With that trust comes a burden yours only to bear
The burden of my love, for you only I care
You smile back at me, as I get lost in your eyes
Thinking of what we could be if we give this a try
Possibilities seem endless and I’m willing to chance
Anything that I have for this sweet, sweet romance
So let it be if just for now or forever
Let us be, don’t you ever say never

It's almost like gravity when you fall in love.
You give someone a piece of you, a piece of your heart, and then the rest of your body just longs to be with that piece.
Longs to be whole again.
And no matter what the distance may be, the body craves that connection, to be united and whole.
It's physics.
It's gravity.

I want to take you away. Take you away, off on an adventure far far from here. To a place where no one knows our names, or cares what we look like or how goofy we act. To a place hidden in the woods and lost in time where the music we make can echo into eternity. A place with a grand history to explore as our future builds. A place where money holds no value and all that’s known is love. Because a wise man once said that “all you need is love, love, love, love.” And your love is all that I need. When my eyes rest at night I am happy but haunted all in the same dream. Dreams of your beauty dance through my head and all I wish to do is drown. Drown deep in conversation with you, as I get lost in your eyes. The only eyes I have ever known to be true. But those are only dreams, and I want to make memories. Moments to be shared with you. So let me take you away, to a far off place. Just you, I and Ry, no other company needed. For when someone completes you like you do for me, home is where the heart is, and my heart still beats for yours. So let me take you away, to a far off place and we can grow old and frail with each other. Sit on our rockers and watch while the kids play, you hum your tunes, while I smoke my pipe and know that this was the best life that we shared.

Mary Mary you're quite contrary with what you say and do.
A smile, a laugh, a heart full of warmth is what I would give to you.
You say it's your dream and contentment is your need but I feel this isn't true.
You get lost in these dreams whilst I in your eyes which are the most beatiful bluest of blues.
I have what you need but it never will be for your last lover you still do swoon.
He gave you happiness in a distant past, but I would give you the moon.
The moon, the stars, I would give you it all if I were the one that you choose.
The moon, the stars, I would give you it all, but I'm not the one that you choose.
I'm not the one that you choose.

For you I would break my back. This fire in my soul that flickers for you whole, it burns like a torch lighting my way. There are no words no lyrics no psalms that can ease this pain but like a lighthouse is to a boat you still guide my way. The rain, the storm that stirs within halts only momentarily at the touch of your skin. Your skin, but a dream passing by. Back in reality by my lonesome, my lonesome and I.

Maybe one day you will realise. Realise how much I truly do love you. You left me and I should have lost it all by now. Lost the thoughts. Lost the feelings. Lost the longing. Lost the desire. Lost the love. But when I close my eyes at night and lay my head down, I still feel your forehead nuzzled against my chin. I still feel your arms wrapped tight around my stomach while your fingers stroke my side.

Its been almost 2 years now but still not a day goes by that you dont linger in my thoughts. An unwanted guest. This must be true love. The kind you see in movies or read about in books. Because I know I would move mountains if you asked me to.

I know the pain you're going through now. After losing him. And despite you loving someone else, I do not love you any less. Or think any worse of you. Because the heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart has always wanted you, but even more always wanted you to be happy. It's been almost 2 years, and maybe if I wait 2 more your heart can be happy with mine again. Because I truly believe that our love was special. That our love could be eternal. And I believe in never giving up on something you believe in. And I believe in you. I believe in us. I always have and I always will.

So maybe now, now that you are going through and realise the pain that I've gone through, you will understand what true love is. Maybe you will understand that I have always truly loved you. Loved you more than anyone has ever loved anyone else. And maybe this epiphany of sorts will bring us together again. And two broken hearts can heal each other and once again become one, ignited with passion and by love.

“Everyone should consider his body as a priceless gift from one whom he loves above all, a marvelous work of art, of indescribable beauty, and mystery beyond human conception, and so delicate that a word, a breath, a look, nay, a thought may injure it.”

-Nikola Tesla

Please tell me what its like, what its like to be you.
To be so perfect but so self loathed.
To be able to see the colors in the wind, but look right through the love that I cast on this world in your name as if I don’t even exist.

Please tell me what its like, what its like to be you.
To be so loved but be too good, too close to perfect.
To make grown men weep and come to their knees begging for a God to smile down upon them and heal the gapping holes in their hearts.

Please tell me what its like, what its like to be you.
To have known a soul that would literally shatter and rebuild time and time again for your company, for your mere presence.
To have everything you have ever dreamed of right in front of your very eyes but be so selfish that you continue to crave more.

You don’t want me…
You don’t even see me…
You don’t know what its like to be me…

Well let me tell you what its like, what its like to be me.
To be seen as tragic and flawed.
To have loved madly and deeply and be second best when my best is nothing less than I have given you.

Well let me tell you what its like, what its like to be me.
To have loved perfection more than life itself.
To have loved unrequited and to have knelt before God himself begging for mercy, for clarity, and for healing.

Well let me tell you what its like, what its like to be me.
To have known you is to have known an angel.
To have loved you and lost you is like looking into the very halls of heaven itself and being told you cannot stay.

I want you… more than ever.
I see you… as close to perfection as an earthly being can become.
I know you… and your struggles to succeed in this short life that we are gifted with.

I know you, yet you don’t know me.
I see you, yet you see right through me.
I want you, yet you will never, want me.

Please, want me.

10/4/2013

Do you ever wonder, ever wish for that simpler time.
That time when life just made sense.
Where the puzzle pieces all fit together and everything was a shade of rainbow.
When your hand fit perfectly in mine and we could just walk.
Walk with no destination in mind, no plans, just our present.
When the sky was the prettiest of blues, but now it’s the greyest of greys.
I’ll be honest, I miss your smile.
Your electric, light up a room smile.
I fixated on it for so many years that it is engrained inside of me.
Its pure beauty will never leave me and in my darkest hours still brings me light.
A light reminding me that there is love in this world and that love is to be fought for.
So here I am, years later beaten and bruised, but I am still fighting.
Because the ones that make the most impact, the ones that have the most effect on you are the ones to keep around.
I still yearn for you, yearn for your light.
Every day.
Thus, I am still fighting.
Losing, but fighting.
For as long as my heart beats for yours and yours only I will fight.
Fight for you.
Fight for us.

Into the nights watch I drift away.
Today has been a curse but I pray tomorrow a blessing.
My mind wanders, imagining an angel from my past.
An angel who seems to be the ghost of my present.
The more perfect they are the worse that they haunt you,
And she might have well been Casper breathing down my neck.
A memory when I wake. A memory before I dream.
A constant reminder of what could have been.
A'las I wake, deep in a sweat of discomfort and realize,
That it cannot, will not, ever, be.

A story of love.
A story of loss.
A tragedy written in time.
A tragedy to which I must break free and recreate this drama all in itself.
For my heart beats for thee.
Beats solely for the moment upon whence my lips return to the soft sweet embrace of the one I call my home.
Because home is where the heart is.
And my heart is beating faster and faster almost out of my chest towards you.
Like it always has.
Like it always will.
While what has been written of our script cannot be erased like pencil to paper, the ending has not yet been set in stone.
And once my stone has officially been set, I hope it is set next to yours.
Amen.

Two wrongs don’t make a right
But I don’t just let things slide.
So when all is quiet at night
You better run and hide,
Cuz I know my actions will be justified.
And justice I assure you will be served.
Not an ounce of guilt runs through me
You’ll get what you deserve.
Your blood will drip off my hands, warm and red
As I stand over your body, lifeless and dead.
Don’t **** with my kin is a lesson he learned.
Shoulda learned a bit sooner, now that sinners gonna burn.
And boy you better hope God saves me when I die
Cuz if he don’t, Satan will be last on your mind.
I’ll torture you, over and over for what you done.
Be your own personal devil, and have a little fun.
I’ll be your hell inside of hell where there is no getting out.
Just an eternity of me laughing while you scream and shout.

Ours is the kind that hurts the most.
The love where one would give their everything to receive absolutely nothing.
To make sure that at the end of the day you have a smile on your face, and contentment in your heart.
Evermore I will be the Pip to your Estella, Quasimodo to Esmeralda.
And in the shadows I am cast to watch your heart break time and time again.
I want to fix it. Heal it and make it whole again.
But alas I watch from the distance as the choices you make bring you farther from me than before.
And with each passing day, with each change of the leaves I love you more.
More than yesterday and not quite as much as tomorrow.
My mind paints a picture of perfection every time I dream of you.
A Goddess among mortals dancing in the wind.
And though my love for you is unrequited, I shall continue to guard you my dear.
I promise to be there as long as my heart beats strong and there is breath in my body.
For I love you.
Now, and forever.
Until my death does us part.

Everything that will be, has already been created by what has been and what is.

Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.

-Nicole Krauss

She was becoming herself and daily casting aside that fictitious self which we assume like a garment with which to appear before the world.

-Kate Chopin

These dreams used to be beautiful. Now they are just nightmares of a past I used to know.

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for. It doesn’t interest me how old you are, I want to know if you are willing to risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine. It doesn’t interest me where you live or how rich you are, I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and be sweet to the ones you love. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and truly like the company you keep in the empty moments of your life.”
-Jon Blais

The half life of love is forever

-Junot Diaz

I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.

-Edgar Allen Poe

A lost soul searching for its counter part
Wandering aimlessly
Hopelessly
Amidst the heavy morning fog, I gaze out into what seems like an endless haze, just waiting.
Waiting for my better half
Wondering why not me?

Countless romances ending in despair
Excuse after excuse as to why our spirits arent meant to be
It leaves me asking myself why?
Leaves me wondering,
Why not me?

I've been told that chemistry is easy, but timing is the hard part
But why is this so?
If our paths cross and chemistry ensues how is this timing not right?
How is this timing anything but perfect?
For it takes perfect timing, perfect chemistry, and a perfect match for sparks to ignite
So please do tell how our timing was nothing but perfect
So really,
Why not me?

Poor timing is an age old excuse, but we have all the time in the world
A whole life full
For what is poor timing compared to an eternity?
If I can find the patience to give to you then time will never be an issue
For I can find patience for perfection
I can find patience for you
So now tell me, excuses set aside
Tell me really,
Why not me?

Why won't you let me give you my all?
Why won't you let love warm your heart?
Why won't you let yourself be happy?
Why not with me?