I fell in love
Once
Or perhaps twice
It is hard to tell these things
When I am so young
But back to the subject
I fell in love
And it left me damaged
Unable to fully trust
Anyone
I am trapped in a lonely world
Despair is my companion
And though I wish nothing more
Than to give myself to
Another
My brain won't let me
It shies away from
Intimacy
Because when you let someone in
They can destroy you
And my heart can't handle
Another break

I went swimming today
Twice
Which is weird because
In the past 4 years
I have been in the ocean a total of 6 times
Even though I live
In a small ocean town
Where the beach is
A short walk away
I went in the water today
Even though I have always hated
Being wet and
Salty the feeling on my
Skin is so uncomfortable
I always detested it
I went in the water today
Because I hate the person I am
And I thought that if I changed
One small part about myself
The rest could follow
And maybe if I could learn to
Love the water
I could learn to
Love myself

I took the casket by the hand,
whispered to her that everything was going to be alright,
and then poured my heart out to her.
Literally.
The little red pieces get buried tonight.
The viewing's at eight, between final exams.
You can take a piece with you.
Don't tell the funeral director.
He's afraid people will cut themselves with the shards.
But I don't mind.
A few scars do people some good.
Ironic.
I wouldn't have said that if my heart were here.
He always knew what to say.

Oh, what's that?
You want to fix him?
He said in his will
that the idea of repair was stupid.
Funny
that my heart would believe in YOLO.
Oh well.

So, coming to visit soon, old love?
He left you something in his will.

Himself.

Do you ever glance over your shoulder
when you visit our favorite coffee shop?
It didn't seem so far down the road when our hands were interlaced
now it seems an impossible distance to make
one lonely Tuesday night mid-May.
I sit at the table closest to the window
just in case
you happened to pass by and realize you loved me
but I've never been very realistic.
The room never seemed so smokey
when your eyes met mine across the table
but those very same eyes now watch the counter
and hope to hear a quiet voice order a chai latte.
I haven't heard it in a while
maybe you've found a new location;
a new girl with set of pale legs
and wide eyes.
I'm hardly a poet
and I can't stand rhymes enough to try
but I never had the chance to articulate
how deeply I've fallen
into your words
and your crooked smile
to prove to you that
I pushed you away
when you were the one I needed closest.
And I lied when I said
I didn't love you.

You looked at me
and I looked at you
and that's exactly what happened.