I wake up
Early
Cold sweats
breathing Barely
shaking
panicking
hardly managing
fidgeting
twitching
pulse rate, pitching
peeking
seeking
the next hit
deepening
the feelings
no healings
trying to speak n
muted by fear
alone for the weekend
craving for more
AM in the fours dark Sunday morns
crawling the walls
as well as the floors
only been hours
yet i crave more
how long till the next hit
two weeks or more
not drugs
nor gambling
no lust ridden rambling
but her taste to be sampling
the curves
her gaze
better than haze
the laughing fits stage
straight to the brain
its Stacey i crave
Again and Again

Imagine
waking up in darkness
not dusk
nor twilight
not dim
but no sight

Your eyes can see but there is nothing but black
You reach out your hand terrified
but nothing holds it back

You reach out for walls
or a door
or a surface
but there is nothing there but space

that is how I feel.

today i smiled thinking of death
its warm embrace hugging me
in to a gentle coma of everlasting sleep

then i frowned realising death was a dream
real one day

no doubt when i am in the midst
the midst of love
or passion
or ecstasy
when nothing makes me happier

that's when she will come
beckoning me with a playful hook of an index finger
with a wicked smile knowing i could not say no to her
like an addict
with a spoon,full of brown sweet powder

so for now
i will wait
enjoy what i have.

this is how i feel.

Stacey,
she is My love !
She makes breath an air ,an air that I ain't ever breathed
but lately,
within My heart
there's a sigh
a sigh inside
from which there's no relief
and I've tried and I've tried
and I've tried and  again
I've fought and I've tried and then I've given in
*** lately i'm not enough

there's 140 miles miles between
the kiss
and the hugs
all the things that we see
now stacey

I'm here alone
fighting and crying
My self into sleep the spaces
between us are to far to keep
hanging
on a wire

You know what?
You have ****** it!
You will wish You were never born
I will show You pain
again and again
I'll push
i'll poke
i'll anger
evoke
the feelings of fear
so far yet so near
i'll keep you hanging
always unsure
is it over
is it not
has he done ?
or forgot
wish i knew
You'll squirm
and You'll stew
You'll cry and You'll plead
i wont make you bleed
but i'll punish and pulse
Your heart will convulse
You'll pray to be dead
when i get in your head
what???
me?
forgot?
no , surely not
what you did
what you took
the thing
overlooked !
that's now made you pray
or to turn a new page in life's book
to late for that
i'll smile and i'll nod
like were all good
but i'll always be there
in the background
despair
its us
such a pair
such a terrible air
here's a river
cry in it
You made your bed
now go lie in it

If I could say
Just what You Mean To Me
Without Talking
Honey That Would be
So easy
My eyes would stare into Your being
like a Diamond that cuts through glass
My fingers would touch You
like a 6 pm summer sun
My lips would kiss You
like a thunderous cloud, barely felt but powerful
My arms would hold You
like a blanket on a December morning  
My Heart would beat
like a marching Army
My smile would sing to you
like a million sonnets
I would make love to you
like the heavens have opened up their gates
I would write You a poem
like THIS! X

We argue
She leaves
Not to come back
I drink
I think
I sit
I slit
but wait
A noise
The front door goes
My blood it's soaks
From the hall " babe I'm sorry "
To late to worry
I'm numb
Its cold
Sorry to late
Sorry to old

silence in my look
I make no eye contact in bitterness
To the ones who have hurt me
In fact I look as though friendly
They don't know what's brewing

Days
Weeks
Months
Will pass
We will talk between now and then
As if old friends
But inside I'm hatching
The fire burns deep
You hurt me too much
It ruins my sleep
My hands fight in flinch
But I keep it at bay
The evil pushes through me
To scary to free

It's been 2 years
And today is your time
Revenge is here
It's your final day
The day when you see
The damage inflicted
Unpunished
Unpredicted
You won't see it coming
As if from a mile
10 seconds to go
9 seconds till "pounce "
8 seconds  to smile
7 seconds to breath
6 seconds left now
No time for deprive
5 seconds  away
4 seconds from time
3 seconds to go
Your breath will be mine
2 seconds from rapture
The clock has you run down
1 second I'm here
My vengeance is now.

She sits and a I walk
She looks right at me
She smiles then sets back
She know what's to be
I hold out my hand
I extend it out wide
She grabs it to shake it
Now it time for the line
I'll end it with this despite what you think
I look in eyes my revenge is so sweet

My revenge is not pain
Or evil retreat
Not inflicted or hurting
No one is beat
My revenge is just words


" I'm happy now without you
That's all I wanted to say "

If inside I felt better
Would I still feel the same
Would I still get the blame
For what I can't change

If I had more money
Would I still see, or
Would I look down at people
People like me

If couldn't hear
How would that be
Would I still fear the sounds ?
The night time alone time
Bangs and bumps
The wake you up at 3am
Sounds and thumps

So from all this
The best is to be
Simply me

If wasn't me I wouldn't have her
If had the money my mind isn't there
If I couldn't hear I wouldn't fear the noises
but I wouldnt hear her laugh
So these are my choices
I'll fight for my life
I'll come out alright
I'll come out in light
So speak up
Show your voices

We all have one
A favourite place
A hideout for just us
A place away from home
When you feel more at home
Than when your at home

The plane hit the concrete all smooth
The exit delightful
The heat hits my face
And the wind sweeps it past
I rush to the coast

The 5 mile beach, golden and pure
The ice cold sea
You stand there arms out wide
As if hugging the world
The sun smiles back down
You can't wait for sun down
When the lights turn on
The winding gilded white tiled streets
Bustle with lovers and laughter
The smell of the food
The alure of the language.
My head hits the pillow
Out like a light
Sleep so sound
Next thing it's light
Step out of the house
Into the morning hills
The strange smell of dew and diesel
I'm in love
Portugal
I want to say
Obrigado

The movies we watch
You know the ones
where we cry, dream of bonds
of dads and their sons
of mothers and daughters
of old flames and laughter
It makes us feel better
A tear to the eye
A scene hits home
we pretend its hay-fever
or tirdeness
wiping without being noticed
or at least trying without pulling it off
for 105 minutes we are in a trance
not addicts or failures,not alone nor poor
We are away
We dream it's us up there
We dream we can change
Be the hero
just emotion
i can do it , i'm sure
we can be rich, we can succeed we can be blessed
there is reprieve , there is a hope there is a glimmer
oh no its the credits , i cant deliver
i cannot win
i cannot love
i'm not a saviour
yes I'm stuck
no happy ending
no big weddings
no straights A's
that's story telling
we are the film
we are the director
producer
the hater
the critic
the heckler
we can make amends
we will be better
we will be the  movie
and live happy after

We met
at the station
a few online conversations
no more,no less
but no hesitation
i sat
felt nervous
the train cranking careless
we pull in
the nerves kick in
what if , i think
but then i blink
i see you, you see me
we smile
we gaze
14 months later
our look hasn't changed
held hands in the city
it felt right
it rained, we laughed
we drank, we giggled
as if lovers for years
it's been minutes but I've known you an eternity
as if old flames meeting up after years
we went back
made love
hugged each other to sleep
we'd found what we needed
the crave we'd be dreaming of
a one day date turned into a 3 day date
unheard of
absurd of
full of love
smitten
forever
we should have known better
we paid a price
we are stuck for life
here together
one day husband and wife
we love being stuck, we love the price
we love each other
we are just right
i am yours
forever more
i love you stace
i wish i was more.

It's 1 am
the taste is calling again
another phone in sick
another wake up feeling muggy, here i am again
another wanting to be more
another praying
another , there must be more
another , wheres the suicide door
it cant just be this
there has to be bliss
there has to be smiles
there has to be hugs , kisses
all the things i miss
all the things i crave
no digging an early grave
drink , roll smoke
drink , roll smoke
poison , chemicals
inhaling
better still
pills
thrills
2 hour highs
20 hour lows
2 hour sleeps
24 done
reapeat
bereve
retreat
believe
no ones coming
its you and your dreams
tomorrow again
i wake up and then
its me, alone
just me, no one,
thoughts in My head
the presure
the dread
the fear
the buzz
just me
not us

Stacey! long distance
"Long Distance Love"

Although the sun was up
My thoughts were grey
Shes gone again
Not for long, But then!
A week without her is a week without air
the tightening of My chest
because they day before was blessed
All I have is Me and four walls
My stare is laid bare with the numbing sound of clinking whiskey glasses to hide My sorrow and fear
that Shes seven days away from here
time is not distance  
only the moon and stars can get You closer to the day
no matter how far You travel or want it to come
shes only here again after seven signs of light
and seven shades of night
But I'm used to this,
I know whats to come
The night we fall asleep
when I'm scared of the sun
Maybe a peaceful death can save us from the morning
when smiles turn to tears and our hearts are in Mourning!
See You next week S.