i miss the oh so innocent handholding in the movie theater and the sitting in the darkness at that party and the giggles i had while our friends ran around betting if you'd kiss me that night.
we sat for hours on end and talked. talked about high school and how thrilling it would be to finally be old and have the freedom we knew would come and friends and that boy you hated on your popwarner football team because he had a crush on me.

then it came, that wretched thing called highschool.

when it did it crashed like a wave on an unknowing passerby.
you changed and just like that it wasn't innocent and it wasn't sweet.
you kept going and going and taking it farther and farther
and looking back now, i don't know how it would be if i stuck around.

hands that once were just held, transformed into hands that weren't satisfied and wandered and pulled at my clothes while my clouded mind didn't know how to say no and i wish i could take it all back.

our talks, they weren't so naive. all of a sudden the topic of school and youth was flipped to arguments on where i would attend college and how many kids i wanted and what state we'd live in.

walking in halls? they turned into stops before lunch where we'd spend forever whispering and teasing and touching.

arguments were then transfigured into you scolding me like i was some baby. who were you?

and texts in the phone were switched to messaging so my mom would never see what you sent me.

im sorry you never got what you really wanted.
im sorry i never did anything right.
im sorry you lost your friends.
im sorry i was too ******* up.
im sorry i knew you too well and figured out how to end my despair.
im sorry.
and im sorry i ruined your life.

i see him everyday
walking around like a stray puppy.
where are your friends?
where is that boy I fell in love with?
that happy-football loving-joyous-gorgeous boy?

my heart s h a t t e r s
every time he walks to class by himself
& when he's with that stupid older girl.
why did you do that?

i know he loved me.
i know he only plays football to please his father.
i know he is this way because of his childish parents.

I KNOW HIM BETTER THAN ANYONE

and you know what?
that's a **** shame,
i miss that boy that i once had memorized.

brent?
*******.
that one letter
has sprung my mental self
permanantly
ripped my family apart
made me afraid to drive in that sad excuse of a town
i thought i loved it there
is that why we left?
is that why i flinch
or see blurs of
blue
yellow
green
purple
everytime I see
that silver Chevy pickup?

i dream
dream of a life that i crave
i want to get better
n e e d to get better

and you
you literally sit in the corner
feeling sorry for yourself.
and make fun of me?

darling,
the difference between me
and you
is that i overcame my unhappiness.

you have it perfect, you were always happy
... yeah. happy.

my life is a roller coaster with the tracks ripped off
by ignorant
selfish
petty
*******
who are dead to me.

i know i shouldn't say that, but how do you not
when you're swimming
drowning
trying to pick up the pieces
everyday
with the turmoil they have left behind.

this is me. this is the girl who is
beautiful
has a perfect family
who boys like
whose family has money
cute clothes
big house
you know the drill...

but i wish.

i am the girl
who is disgusting.
whose family has fallen apart
boys run.
small family business is trickling away like the love that was once there.
fat.
whose mental health was abolished when she was 8.
dreams of giving a family a life she never had.

i want to e x p e r i e n c e.

i want this perfect-sweet-full-of-life-life that i know I will never have with someone that is so far from my reach.
still i reach.