Im sick of being the recipient of the disappointed look in your eyes when you see me. It's the same one my parents always have, the one that says that all those weeks of dropping me off at therapy and hoping someone else will fix their broken child just isn't working the way they hoped it would. It's the look of early mornings, when you wake up in a hotel room alone and look around to find that the person you loved was gone and they stole your heart right out of your chest without even leaving a note about a remorseful goodbye that you know they don't actually mean . I should have seen that you'd be the first to leave, that the flowers on my doorstep meant goodbye instead of the "I love you" that I thought at the time. I guess ultimately, I'm a parade of walking broken hearts and broken promises. Im a hurricane of emotions and I can't seem to figure out how we're supposed to love each other when we can't even learn to love ourselves

You need to hear this one. This is for you. I know that lately your mind has been running faster than a speeding bullet gunning straight for your insecurities and biggest concerns. Check check, can you hear me? I know that you're afraid I'm going to leave because you can't see the things in you that I see, but I'm standing right in front of you and knocking on the door and you need to let me in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry because you don't get the opportunity to see the way the cold night air curls around your hair and makes your face flush with an array of living colors. You can't see how the stars shine a little brighter every time you smile, and you can't possibly hear the way your laugh echoes in the sky and makes the world spin. You can't wrap your head around the fact that when I'm standing next to you my shoulders feel a little lighter, and it's because you make me feel as if the weight of the world has been taken away. Im sure by now you've noticed that every time you walk away I pull you back to me and just a little closer than you were before. I'm sure you're wondering why. Truth be told, the reason is that every time you walk out the door I'm terrified that this will be the last time I'll see you smile bigger than the moon, the last time I stand neck deep in ocean eyes deep enough to get lost in. I wish I could train your eyes to see the things that are actually there, the same way I trained my hands to learn your favorite piano songs and my ears to memorize the sound of your voice when you're happy. But lately your mind has been racing faster than a speeding bullet gunning straight for your insecurities, and you just won't stop to notice how truly special you are. You need to hear this one. This is for you.

The lights from the city that shone through the window and twinkled behind you could never compare to the lights that flashed in your eyes when you said my name. Your nose used to crinkle when you talked about the things you loved, and I always thought I was one of them. The way you rolled your eyes when your smile was too big to contain, and the way you acted as if your favorite words weren't forever etched into your bones and memories. But they were, I watched you engrave them myself.  Those are some of the things I miss most. You always talked about how you hated goodbyes, and I suppose that's the reason I never got one when I woke up alone in what used to be our apartment before it became only mine. I tried to call a few times, but the dial tone always went straight to static, and it was too similar to the sound that my heart made the day you left, so I stopped calling. Every once in a while she'll post a picture online somewhere and I'll get a glimpse of your life without me. Your eyes in the picture are different than I remember them. They shine brighter for her than they ever did for me, and every feature I grew to love has burned to ashes with the fire she lit in your heart. Maybe that's the reason that every time I look at the city lights through the apartment window I see the way your eyes used to shine before I remember you're not coming back. Maybe that's why when I hear the sounds of the city all around me, I still search for a voice that can make me feel something, anything. The lights from the city that shone through the window could never compare to the light in your eyes when you stand next to the person that you love, and I want to tie cinder blocks to my ankles and sink to the bottom of the ocean in your eyes just so that I know that I'll always be a part of you. Now when I look at the lights they shine brighter than your eyes when you say my name or when you look at me, and that's how I know  you moved on. I can see in your eyes that you're finally happy