White walls and blue gown
Comfort sacrificed for pain
They call it healing

Last name and birthday
A dozen times every day
Here's your medicine

Monitor beeping
Clock singing its tick-tock song
Hospital music

Let me paint you a picture
Using nice long strokes
And beautifully vivid colors
And as with most works of art
My muse is the tale of two lovers
Plus one, two, three
Or was it four others
I seem to have lost count
With re-occurrences and all
And their masks seem to blur
As I get lost in our thrall
I tell you love is like a sun
Beautiful to look at
But will blind you
If you stare just a little too long
Unable to see a single mistake
When everything is going wrong
So I paint over the visages
Of him, him, her, and him
But the paint is just not thick enough
How could it be?
When the stain of betrayal
Isn’t quite painted, but carved
When the knives in the back
Sink through to the heart
And while it’s true
That the color of apology
Works well as a cover-up
Only time truly hides scars
And that’s what you wanted
Wasn’t it
Was time apart?
But it’s just not right
That you got to make that call
Without even a fight
You just want to call it a night
So go ahead and sketch the dark
And I will paint the stars
Because that’s what we are
Memories mirrored in paint
From the nights
Where you cried and I kissed you
To the days
Where our phone calls
Ended with I miss you
And I know
You’re not cursed with the memory
People think I’m blessed with
So let this serve to remind you
Of when times were best and
Then maybe you’ll feel some regret
Not the kind where watercolors
Stain your perfect portrait
I’m talking about life changing emotion
So that maybe there won’t be reprints
Sold at every corner auction
I want something hung in a museum
Something people would traverse
The world to see
And when they do
They don’t know what they feel
Because it’s hard to believe
That it’s even real
Seeing love with its contrast
And how you treated it
Like a contract
Made with an expiration date
Set even since our first date
When you gave me that brush
Inspiring me to paint
So that is what I did
And this is its masterpiece
And now

I guess I need a new brush

I close my eyes,
the image rises into view.
I want to forget,
pretend it never happened.
How could you do this,
did you know what you were doing?
Or were you simply to evil to care.
I cant believe my trust lied in you,
when all you did was
lie to me,
lie to my family,
and lie to your own.

Unlock the door and let me out.
Remove your hand
from over my mouth.
Let me go.
Let me run.
Let me scream from the pain
of my soul being broken.

You're a Grimm Brothers' Pinocchio,
except when you lie,
It's not your nose that grows.
I want to run from the liar liar,
because when his pants caught fire,
they revealed his true desire.

This isn't a game,
This isn't fun,
You're lips spat poison,
before my innocence was stolen.
I was just a child
No older than five.
I did nothing to deserve it
How could you?
How could you?
How could you?

I lied to myself
for ten years.
I erased a memory
and lived in ignorance.
But it didn't give me bliss,
because ignorance could not undo
what you did to me.

Let me be honest
I am so freaking tired
I need rest like a Snorlax
And if you don’t get that reference
You were never a 90s kid
Skidding to a stop on route 16 or 12
Wondering what the hell
Was blocking your path
And slipping into “yo momma” jokes
The world over
So I pull my bike to the shoulder
Trying to find the melody
That will remedy my malady
Because it’s the opposite of what you used

See I don’t just need rest
From walking town to town
I need it from you, myself,
And from everyone around
Giving their two cents
Calling it common sense and
Of course I should listen since
My wallet is empty of that currency
While yours is apparently so abundant
That you feel a necessity
To force it upon me as charity

I’m tired of clichés and
Bits of wisdom from authors anonymous
Because I’m telling you I’m not a mess
That can be fixed with your
Two penny potion
Made from your split second emotion
Based upon empathy or sympathy
I can’t quite tell when it comes
To your simply pity
I’m sorry I don’t sound grateful
I know you’re just being helpful
I’m just so freaking tired

Tired of stopping myself
Before even getting started
Because I know
The battles everyday are hard and
I don’t know
That I can make it out
As the champion I need to be
This has been my reality
Stutter stepping from 1 to 2 to 23
So maybe now you see
Why I’m so freaking tired

There’s a part of me
That’s still the 5 year old kid
The part of me that’s scared
That knows I’ll need a blanket
From the bottom of a bottle
To hide and protect me
From the monsters in my mind

I used to be a real boy

Now when I close my eyes,
the image rises into view.
From back when you lied to me
And my trust lied in you
Well that trust lied too
I want to forget,
A blank slate of memory
Like this blank page in front of me
But it’s not blank
It has everything on it
Like when you walked to your door
And you locked it
Turned to me and said
“We’re gonna play a game”
I looked up to you innocently
And asked what’s its name
But a five year old mind isn’t developed enough
To understand the term “*******”

The discomfort building in my heart
Didn’t seem to fit
Because how could it all
Be building up to this
How could I know
You were a Grimm Brother’s Pinocchio
Because when you lied, your nose, it didn’t grow
Oh no
It much further south
And much better hidden
At least until you were alone with a kid and
Then liar liar’s pants were off
Like they were on fire
I know what a deer feels like
When it’s seen by a lion

Cornered by four walls
And a locked door
I was about to find out
What was in store
And they don’t take refunds
I tried to fight you off
But to my David
This time Goliath won
And with absolutely nowhere to run
I did the only thing I could
I cried out
And in a second your hand covered my mouth
Silencing the sound
Of an innocence being stolen
And a soul being broken
“Don’t make a sound”

I’ve been told we all have one creator
So tell me Gippetto
Did you know
Was it in your perfect plan
For all of this to happen
Or is the blue fairy in charge
Handing out wishes to those with blackened hearts
Or maybe none at all
There was only one mercy granted from it all
It’s defined as a repressed memory
For ten years it was kept from me
Blacked out with flare ups of anxiety
Side effects of a mental infection
Always managing to evade detection
Until I was fifteen
When the wall finally came crumbling down
And while there were so many people around
Who could I turn to
Who could I possibly trust
After becoming a victim
Of the ultimate sin of lust
And if you have figured out the name
Of the game I was forced into playing
Then you’ll understand what I’m saying
When I tell you

I used to be a real boy

Maybe I am an *******
Maybe when I said “You’re beautiful and gorgeous”
Every day
I meant it in the most insincere way
Maybe I just enjoy the taste of lies

Maybe I am selfish
Maybe when I took you to dinner, movie
And everywhere you wanted to go
I just wanted to see the show
Maybe I just knew you’d **** me after

Maybe I am needy
Maybe when you ran to me
And cried on my shoulder
I let you so it didn’t grow colder
Maybe I needed your heart to warm mine

Maybe I am jealous
Maybe when you opened your lips
And legs like doors
I shouldn’t have called you a *****
Maybe you just enjoyed the company

Maybe I am shallow
Maybe when I took months
And solved the puzzle of your mind
I just wanted to see you naked some times
Maybe I didn’t care at all

Maybe all of this is true
Or maybe
Baby
You’re just a *****

Water and sapphire doth crave
The color blue held within thine eyes,
And thou doth possess skin so fair
To such a degree that cottony clouds
Become none more than stones of sand.

The beauty that thou outwardly projects
Doth draw my soul so deeply in.

Shakespeare would compare thee
To a summer’s day,
But I must disagree for thou art more
Closely resembled by the winter’s night.

With the twinkle of one million stars
From the skies held within the eyes
Of only the most beautiful,
And the purity of a fresh snowfall
Envious of the natural beauty
Only your fair body can possess.

Some may offer their heart,
But to thee, my love, I doth give my soul.
For long after the final beat of my heart
Resonates from beneath this chest of mine,
My soul itself, shall wander with thee,
And by merely being in the presence
Of such a beautiful soul as thine,
Mine will always feel alive.

Bloodshot eyes,
and a runny nose.
I stand at a fork
between two roads.
One to pain
almost instant.
But fades away
out in the distance.
The other leads
through a fog of confusion.
It seems like pleasure
but could be an illusion.
Rocky road that I
leave behind me.
One step forward
walking blindly.
Your hand in mine
let's go this way.
We walk into the fog
and love another day.

He walks
Right foot followed by the left
His head a wilted flower
Facing the floor
Hiding the tears
Hiding the fears
And hiding his flowering mind that he finds
Hideous
The day is half over
And he finds himself again
At the nurses office
Facing the ceiling
Always up or down
Never forward

He sits
Knees under his chin
Arms wrapped around them
Suddenly face buried
Rocking back and forth
Repeating the one desire
"I just want to be two years old again"
Tears streaking down his face
Reflecting the television he uses
To drown out his sobs
His wishes going unanswered
His anxiety going out of control
And his mind
Just going
Forced and failed attempts at sleep
Produce nothing but tear stained pillows
And blood shot eyes

He sleeps
The rare nights
Where his fears invade his dreams
Everything intermingling
Mixing and morphing into something
Even he doesn't recognize
All of it terrifying
And all of it
A part of him
A part of his unconscious
All shoved inside the chest of his subconscious
Buried deep inside his mind
Locked with a key it will take forever to find
It never calms
He
Never calms

He wakes
Another paralyzed morning
Chest pounding
Blood rushing
Skin tingling
Stomach pain beginning
He wants to move
To not be wrapped in his straight jacket sheets
Despite their comfort
The day passes through his mind
His life passes through his mind
"What if..."
Every wrong decision possible
Collapsing his determination

He stands
He stumbles
Another false start
Another day off to the wrong start
Gaze returning to his mattress
Hearing the siren song
Promising to soothe his deteriorating soul
But he knows the black hole
Disguised by that black comforter
He can't fall back in

He walks
He sits
He sleeps
He wakes
He stands
He ages
Anxiety his only constant
Anxiety his only promise

Upon my arrival
my vision scans the scene
until the moment
our eyes meet causing me
to stand motionless.

I couldn't help but stop and stare
and I did want
but walk to you I couldn't dare
for you see
before that day I became
naught but a
dampened candle with no flame.

But through the days
of you with me I became
complete with
I being the candle with you as my flame
you my love
are my candle's flame.

Wait, Hold on
Just let me see.
You want me, to talk about me?
Well, that’s a first,
Certainly not the worst
Suggestion I’ve been asked
Usually among angry slurs of
******* or ******* Jack ***
I guess those are the feelings
I tend to instill
On people when I impose my will
Now I know it’s a little dark
And yet thinking
**** this is just the ******* start?
But wait
There’s a light at the end of
This tunnel you’re traveling
But move fast because the walls of my mind
Are unraveling
And I know it’s startling
But to me this is ordinary.
Everything falling apart and being built back up
A new person every time I wake up
Now listen hear me and sit down and shut up
I’ve been quiet for too **** long.
At least four years spent bending to the will
Of people far less strong
But then it all changed.
I opened my mouth and let out my mind
It took only once and I had all their minds enraptured
So incredibly captured
By the skinny kid seizing the podium
Using his words to
Obliterate the opinions they held of him.

Now let me pause here
Before we go any deeper
Let me make it clear
There is a hunter
Camouflaged inside the words painting the woods
Hiding yet hinting at something you'd never believe could
Have happened to him
So watch your jokes
And watch your phrases
Because my life went through
Those phases.
Yet my laughter at the scabs at which you pick
The injuries that still make me sick
Is still genuine
Despite what everyone thinks
So please just stop your incessant
“That’s not funny”
Followed by your gaze upon me
Because I see it in your eyes
The look I’ve so grown to recognize
That look of pure ******* pity
And that my friends is worse
And my parents do it the worst.
See they feel responsible
For not predicting the improbable
But No one could
Including me
Seeing my thieving neighbor outside my backdoor
Not knowing what he was there for
I let him in to steal what I didn’t know I had.
My innocence
But in a sense
It doesn’t matter.

Because I try not to dive too deep into the past
Because I’m here and finally happy at last
So here let’s bring it full circle I believe you asked
About me.

Whack! Whack!
His mother’s heels click down
On to the hard wood floor
He claims to be Cinderella
His father looks down
And his first emotion is fear
For his young son’s life
It won’t be easy
He bends down
Picks him up and holds him tightly
“My beautiful son,
Be back before midnight”

Whack! Whack!
His bat strikes the baseball
For his first home run in Little League
His heart was never in it
But his father encouraged him
To try new things
And his mother is his biggest fan
He starts to notice
How tight baseball shorts are
They’re not very comfortable

Whack! Whack!
Towels leave bruises in the locker room
He laughs at his teammates
Running from his quick wrist
And wet towel
He’s the starting quarterback
And they just won states
He was voted
Homecoming king

Whack! Whack!
His heart duels against his ribs
The first time he kisses another boy
It’s nothing like the girls
There’s a new rush in his blood
His mind is in space
And his stomach in his throat

Whack! Whack!
He brings the axe down hard
Sunburnt metal splitting fibers
Sending woodchips everywhere
His father making him learn
The lesson that only hard work can teach
Nothing worth having comes easy

Whack! Whack!
The hammer comes down on the nail
As he finishes his daughter’s swing set
He watches through the window
As his husband
Hands her the first slice
Of her birthday cake
She just turned five
A number you didn’t get to see

They say when you die
Your life flashes before your eyes
They don’t say
It’s always your past

Whack! Whack!
His mother’s heels click down
On the hard wood floor
He claims to be Cinderella
His father looks down
And his first emotion is fear…

Whack! Whack!
His fists clench
Whack! Whack!
They come raining down
Whack! Whack!
He can’t seem to get away
Whack! Whack!
Why can’t you be a man
Whack! Whack!
Why can’t you be a man.
Whack! Whack!
Why can’t you be a man!

Why can’t you!?
You were his father!
And you
Were his mother!
You broke a child
When you were supposed
To build him up
So now the world
Had to bury his dreams in pieces
Shattered like glass slippers
You were afraid of him
While we
Would have loved him

His name was Zachary.
Zachary Dutro-Boggess.
I wrote your name
Onto a piece of paper
And folded it into a daisy
Because something beautiful
Had to come out of your story
Your birthday curled down
Over one of the petals
3 days before the day you died
You turned 4 years old
I wonder what you wished for
When you blew out your candles
I wonder what you wished for
When you first met God
Way too young
And he showed you
What love really was

You don't know what you do to me.

You can't even imagine
Can't begin to fathom
What goes on in my mind
When I catch
That look in your eye
The taste of you lips
Upon contact with a magical kiss
Mix that with,

The rush of your skin
The contact and touch
Of our bodies entwined
With such emotions combined
You simply blow
My mind.

If you could see your reflection in my eyes
Or feel your breath upon my face
As we enthrall in this intimate embrace
You would understand.
Understand how I crave your beautiful imperfection
Run through my veins
Make my heart race
Like a lethal injection
And you control the beat.

Yes you control the rhythm
To which our bodies dance
We begin to move
Lost completely in a passionate groove
As your hips move and mine move with 'em.
Until our bodies beat
And collapse with exhaustion
Then our eyes meet

And reveal to one another
That our minds are not yet done
For they are connected in more ways than one
Now when our bodies rest
It is time for our souls to connect and confess
What is truly happening here
As mine whispers in your ear:
I need you to believe

I love what you do to me.

I hate my conscience,
I hate my heart.
I try to make it right,
but it all just falls apart.
They always conflict
and I don't know what to do.
I just can't figure it out,
what's going on with me and you.
I'm not happy and
you aren't either.
I don't wanna hurt you,
be a woman's heart beater.
It's not you it's me,
it's not me it's you.
I'm falling down a hole
with nothing to hold onto.
Nothing's ever right,
everything's always wrong.
Are we meant to be
or were we wrong all along.
Can't sleep, can't eat,
my mind racing all day.
Wondering if I should stay
or just walk away.

My heart's bipolar,
Feels one way
Then the opposite.
My heart's schizophrenic,
Changing minds
Cant get control of it.

Born to die,
yet still we try
to live as possible.
So many try to hide,
try to avoid the inevitable.

Can't they see,
their destiny,
lies past the darkness in death?
Yet they seem to be,
against everything life meant.

Life gives pain,
as well as shame,
but still some remain ignorant.
Some live it in disdain,
to try and remain indifferent.

Nothing works,
life has no perks,
It's darkness engulfs everything.
The good, the bad, the nice, the jerks,
they all end up with nothing.

Some die early,
or escape it nearly,
to save death for another day.
Others see it clearly,
that never is there an escape.
In a life so dark there never will be.

You want to raise your hand
Against her.
Well I raise my hand against you
In question.
Do you feel strong?
Do you feel tough?
Do you feel good,
Thinking you're in the right?
Just how ******
In the head are you?
And the most important question:
How fast can you run ******?
Where will you hide?

You call it teaching,
Training,
Instruction.
Well come to my class
And I'll teach you
Oh how I will teach you
About abuse,
Torture,
Breaking Points.
For your bones will break
Like her heart.
And your eyes will cry,
Like her soul.

They say blood is thicker than water
Maybe if we were blood you wouldn't have disappeared.

I looked up to you,
but then you left and never came back.
So what happens now,
I wasn't as important as you once said.

Would you recognize me if you saw me
walking down the street?
And if you did, would you care to stop
and ask how I've been?
Let me tell you something that you
never cared to stop and ask:

I'm okay without you,
not like you gave me a choice.
You never seem to care,
once you left you turned your back.
Do I even exist to you anymore.

Remember me,
the “little brother” you didn't have.
The kid you gave advice to
The kid who ran to you.
Do these memories exist to you
or did they leave when you did.
Do you remember the talks where I trusted you
Do you remember the times when I wanted to
quit but you wouldn't let me.

Do you remember the child I used to be
because frankly I'm not that kid anymore.
You missed me grow up
because you never show up
to anything important in my life.
You moved away and never looked back
at the kid you left with a tear in his eye.

So tell me, who are you again,
I can't seem to remember,
the days passed by,
you never stopped by,
So forgive me if I can't remember the
“Big brother” who left and never returned.

I am nobody,
Don't listen to me.
I wont be somebody,
Go on everyone leave.
You've made your opinions,
Passed your judgments,
Come on world,
Don't notice me.