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hopesnotdreams Apr 2013
And I wish you were here or I was there or we were anywhere else
together
and you would say my name.

my name.

it would slip like water from your lips and i'd catch it with my outstretched hands and
my shielded heart.  and I'll breathe it in
I'll breathe it in like the oxygen i never get when you're around and you are rolling your eyes

"it's just a name"
letters strung together, arbitrary.
incendiary.

my name does not define me and neither does yours but when you say those letters
those vowels and consonants,

i melt.

because every 'k' is full of your love, and wrapped up in the a is our  history
and the l's are echoes of our laughter and that 'i' is everything you've changed me to be.

and so when you say so little you are saying so much,
even when you're saying it like, "oh, kalli"
some may hear my silliness and my blonde moments

i hear that you love our memories and laughter and i hear your pride.
all from when you say my name.

i'm sorry i won't ever get to hear that again.
hopesnotdreams May 2013
I am not the protagonist of this story,
I am not the righteous one.
I am not who you think I am,
I am the antagonist, the obstacle to be overcome.

I'm selfish, reckless, mean; I'll say anything to get under your skin.
I'm vindictive and cruel,  I would betray you in a heartbeat.
I am sad and envious and spoiled and I always have been.
I don't have a righteous bone in my body.

I am rebellious and weak.

I am I am

a sidenote in your story.

So don't give me your respect,
I know you think it'll work.

I don't want your love and admiration
I can't take it.
Give me instead hatred and condemnation.

Write me off as a lost cause, a bully, a weakling.

This I can live with, this I deserve.
If were all redeemable there would be no point
So let me serve the purpose I was meant to serve.
hopesnotdreams Apr 2013
I am not afraid of the darkness
Silence seems like a worthy friend
I welcome the scent of the deep, rich earth
That's not why I am afraid to meet my end.

I am not afraid of the afterlife
I have lived good, honest, clean
I know my sins, I know my faults
That's not why I'm afraid of the unseen.

I have no thirst for gold
no family who will mourn me
I am not concerned about disappearing
or leaving behind a legacy.

I am afraid to die
because this world is all I know.

I work against the tide of pain, fight against the cynicism, push away the hate
I'd hate to die, to leave this earth before knowing its' final fate.

I just want to know what happens,
after I am long gone,
to know if all I have given to this world
lives on.
work in progress.

— The End —