My heart... Oh my aching heart. It just sits in the palm of her hand, barely beating. I thought she loved me... With all the things we've been through, I could have sworn she loved me. I close my eyes and let the tears flow.

"I thought you loved me..." I whisper/sob, gasping for air. Why did you have to make my biggest fear come alive?

"Poor baby. It's called a lie!" She laughs wickedly and begins to squeeze my heart. I cry out in pain, trying to scoot away from all of this.

"Stop..." I plead, scratching at my chest as her fingers clamp harder around my dying heart, my breath shallow.

"Why? I never cared. If anything you bored me to death. All you wanted was attention." She says slyly, a smirk on the beautiful face I once loved. I still love...

"Why did you have to lie to me? Play me?" I cough up blood, sobbing harder.

"Because I' m not the person you thought I was, Shalimar. I want more. You were never enough. Worthless to me. You never helped me through all the **** I was going through like you thought you did. You never made me truly smile. You were always a useless B-"

That's when I wake up, my heart beating fast and sweat covering me. I look beside me and see her sleeping calmly, a beautiful smile on her lips that I know so well. I sigh and lay closer, snugging into the familiar arms I finally have back.

She snorts and nuzzles into my neck, molding into me like we used to. I close my eyes and smile weakly, falling into a lovely dream.

Homesick



Homesick is what I am.

I miss my family like crazy.

Despite the way I am, they still love me.

It's very hard to believe though.



I haven't felt right in a while.

I wanted help.

NEEDED it actually.



I'm getting it now, but I miss my friends and family.

One problem I have...

What will they think of me when I get back?

Will the still be with me?

I hope that they will accept me...



ALL I want is to be ACCEPTED.

Fope



Fope is a word I created with fear and hope.

It kind of makes me laugh.

I have fope.

My fear is having no acceptance and not being able to see the one I can't help but to love ever again.

My hope is dying each more everyday because my fears are in the way.



I need to get rid of a lot of fear.

My fear is what is destroying every last bit of hope I have.

Fear and hope are like fire and ice; angels and demons.



I watch the world go by while I'm stuck in my own confinement of fear.

This fear that is destroying me needs to destroy itself and leave me alone.

I know fear can be a good, but not this kind.

This kind is what gives me nightmares and the thoughts that make me hurt myself.



I want hope.

I want it now.

Hope that it will be okay in the end.

I want my fear distinguished.

The Way You Teach Me To Love

Is like walking down a beach.

Easier than it seems.

Like a leaf floating down a stream.

It can never be defined,

Until you open up your heart

And let someone inside.

When you let someone inside

Don't push them outside

You'll never know how your future might turn out.



The way you teach me to love

Is how you hold me in your arms and care.

When you run your fingers through my hair while smiling down at me

Full of love and sincere

I know when you love me

When you kiss my nose instead of my lips.



The way you teach me to love.

When we walk down the street

People stare, but we don't care.



The way you taught me to love

Has kept me alive all these years,

But I'm afraid my time is up my dear.

I will miss you forever when I'm gone.

It breaks my heart that I'm doing this

Hurting you while I **** myself.

But I say it's my time to say good-bye now.

Miss me forever and after, my dear.



Hold me in your arms as I die,

kiss me one last time

Watch me as I take the life from my soul.



I'm sorry, my love...



Just remember the way you taught me to love...