I'll drive in circles around the neighborhood
blaring your favorite song from that winter
with the windows down and the heat on blast
but I won't notice you're not in the passenger's seat singing along with me
til I go to grab your hand
and find all that's there is an old coke bottle and an empty pack of cigarettes that I smoked to get the memory of you off my tongue
I'll burn all the gas in my car until the fuel light comes on
but that will never bring you back to me

You still cross my mind from time to time
I remember those winter nights with you
When you drove your mom's car in the wrong gear all the way home
Listening to the same Vampire Weekend album we always had on repeat
We would always listen to the same songs but I'd never get tired of them
I'd never get tired of you
Those blue eyes against your hair that was dyed black because we thought we were punk
The way your hair would fall onto my face whenever you'd kiss me
And those freckles that you'd get that were carved so deeply into your skin
That'd you'd only see them if you really stared
When you would mumble songs into my chest and I'd try to harmonize with you
Even though you were the singer
I'd listen to your band's music every night because your voice soothed me to sleep
I'd never met anyone as talented as you
You had more patience and kindness than anyone I'd ever known
That was really new to me
You made me nervous
There was that one time we went to go see my best friend play music at a bar but we were both underage so we couldn't go in
On the drive back it started snowing
And I loved you
You'd squeeze my hand three times to tell me you loved me too
That's the way your grandmother used to do it
I remember all the details
You had that tattoo on your ribs that no one could see except me
It was like my little secret piece of you
You told me you were obsessed with the girl obsessed with space
But I was just obsessed with your face
Your moms and dad and step mom and brothers were always so kind to me
I saw myself marrying you
You'd be a great father
I think about you almost everyday
I know you're in love with her
I'm so happy to see that you're better off without me
Like I told you you would be

the concept of you has captivated every mental process I have.
when I wake in the morning, I see the light luster through the blinds.
I believe it'd look better strewn across your face at 7 A.M. than it ever has on anyone else's.
my sheer sheets would appear better draped athwart your skin and bones than over my own.
the highlights and shadows in the curls of your hair would entrance me and my fingertips for hours.
we could lay in silence or with our favorite records playing in the background for days, and I'd never complain once.
because all the time I get to spend with you now makes up for all the years I had to live without you.

My eyes are glazed over from all the times I have said, “I love you”.
Like a blank slate, my soul is empty.
My tongue hurts from all the times I asked, "What are we?"
Instead of just waiting and letting time tell its tale.
My body aches from grabbing my stomach and questioning, "Why can't I lose this weight!"
I'd feel so much more beautiful if it would just leave!
My shoulders crash into the couch cushions
I stare at my phone, my laptop, then my floor.
"When will he reply to me?" I wonder.
I have been waiting on a response all night long.
All day. All year. All of my life. I have been waiting.
But will I ever find peace in anything I am given?
"Why isn't anything ever enough?" I ponder.
Do I simply overlook the beauty in the things closest to me?
The way my hair curls up over my ears,
The way one of my teeth is a little crooked.
Are these the little things I have never appreciated because I have always expected someone else to appreciate them for me?
"When will I be satisfied?" I question myself in the mirror.
Then softly whisper a response,
"Never."

My voice is weak from screaming all day
She runs from me
To you she prays
A nest of blankets and pillows surround me entirely
Trying to give me the love you ripped out of me
Never again will I be the same
A lover I am no longer
Because of your name
Emotionally distraught
Filled with anger and fear
I haven't cried as many tears
As when you were here
Two years later and I'm still a mess
I broke the one person that loved me
I'm sorry for this

Dipping your feet into pools of dark chocolate may sound atrocious
But as I sink to the water's floor my lips discover your kisses
Blackened lines skewed across your skin
Make me wonder where your heart begins
As I traced the contour of your body
You quiz me with philosophical questions others find too heavy
The light bulb in my brain was dull til I met you
But I learned all it needed was a *****
Never before have I felt so alive
I haven't ever felt that drive
Sweet nothings you whisper in my soul
What truly is your goal?
Akin to your touch, in fear of denial
You can't help but stare straight into my eyeballs
The color of toads with the texture of glass
Its impossible to imagine life in the past

I tighten my jaw as if it's a *****
The bolt won't fasten to me as hard as you

A defense mechanism I have carefully crafted
Barricading the doors to prevent all passage

Into my mind there's a portal of doubt
I doubt that you could ever get out

Winding steps and stairs
Broken bones and ma mère

My brain is ruined with a surplus of trash
A car that was always destined to crash

Look me in the eyes and I'll push you away
It has become increasingly hard for people to stay

My doors are shut the curtains are closed
"Go away!" I yell, "no one is home!"