Cared too much.
Did too much.
Loved the role I chose as wife.
Dinners cooked.
Clothes washed.
House up kept.
I relished making a home for us.
Giving pleasure without expectation,
I loved.
Desire for the one I married,
Was like a fire within.
Fishing, camping, road tripping,
I lost my co-pilot.
The joy I felt was simply that,
One sided, delusional.
I thought he was happy.
Our hopes and dreams as a couple,
Filled my heart with happiness of the love I was blessed to have.
Only to find out it was all a lie.
What a fool I was,
Blinded by what I thought was love.
Picking up the pieces won't be easy,
For I have fooled myself before.

Mother, wife, friend.
I give undying til the very end.
Care for others keeps me going.
While killing myself slowly, unknowing.
Two out of three ain't bad.
For I am a ****** good mother and friend.
My role as wife has been reduced
To that of "friend."
Dinners made, love shared, dreams pondered,
All gone with the wind.
Who am I after all is said and done?
Mother.
Friend.
Failed wife.
Blame is tossed on me like flies on ****.
For it is easier that way.

Mother, wife
Just told to get a life
By the very person she holds high.
23 years of commitment
Boiling down to feeling cheated...controlled...smothered.
Shamed, blamed
For desiring intimacy with her one and only.
Feelings of repulsion, rejection
Over giving my love completely.
Cast aside, laughed at, torn down.
Betrayed by the one she gave her heart to oh so many years ago.
I feel a slow death creeping in where once I believed there to be love.
Pity, obligation, resentment.
I will never forget,
The words said in hate.
Replaying in my head,
Make it stop.
They linger longer than any bruise.

Searching for Home

Home used to be where the heart is.
My grandparents home, was always home to me.
Safe haven, warmth, shelter from any storm.
Support from loving family was never wavering.
I pushed it away as I sought my own life and love.
It became my passion.
I dove in feet first, committed to making it work.
Always making it work.
Finding solace in routine, tasks done to help keep the family happy, healthy and clean.
All went unseen.
Drowned by drama, overshadowed by the negative.
How powerful it can be, almost intoxicating.
Shaming and blaming became routine.
Sprinkled with times of laughter and brief love that made the bad not so bad.
Truth, trust, love, companionship all shattered when the words fly.
The truth has been spoken.
Finger has been pointed in my direction as the cause of the pain, misery, and waste of time.
What was only pity and obligation, I thought was true love.
The matrix has shown itself, never to be unseen.
Cast aside like an old pair of shoes, too old, worn, and ugly for further use.
My confusion and pain lie in the tortuous way this lie of love decays.
Uncontrollable crying, self blame, heart is broken, mind is shattered...
The lie was very convincing.
My loyalty and commitment shot down in flames and perceived as mere selfishness hurts me more than I can handle.
The greatest lie ever lived has now been exposed as merely a charity case without family, without a home.
If home is where the heart is, where has mine gone?