The Covers are pulled over her head; the stars are too bright
And the spring breeze carries with it the smell of cheery blossoms
She hasn’t quite fallen into the realm of dreams
When the sound of your bare feet come into the bedroom
A thin smile greets you climbing into bed and under the covers
You curl up next to her, the touch of bare skin against yours
She snuggles closer and notices a warmth flowering on her side
It runs down her belly accompanied by a sharp pain
The red is pooling around her now and she turns to see
the remorse reflected back at her through your eyes
And she catches the glint of what your hand holds

say it was an accident; some freak occurrence. let me disappear without them having to carry the blame or questioning their every movement. let me not be the next one to choose this path. say it wasn’t at my own hand; say there was nothing more anyone could do. Please as my last wish: tell them the lies that were actually the truths that they could not believe

I want to come back to you
Fall into your arm; to kiss you
And know that everything is alright
But my lack of trust holds me captive
Time and time again I have seen
this theme repeated; No longer wanting
to just go through the motions
I have a story to tell and you will not listen
I scream it in your ear; begging you
just to see you turn and pretend not to hear

Your own words appear loving and caring
When all written out and yes I know
that is how you wish for this play to turn out
But your actors are getting the script all wrong
With unmemorized lines and emotions flailing
No appearance do you make to your own show
so no responsibility will you take when
daggers rip through my chest

I understand this was never your intention
I shove it aside once again; pretend not to notice
But there is blood dripping onto the stage
so why am I punished, when all that hurt
has piled just too high and I collapse on stage
Please, I cry, I’m sorry I never meant to
destroy your play…Will you listen to my story?

Sitting in scraps and half written poems
I wonder if there will ever be an end to this
Countless thought and memories
That would rather be ignored
Yet here I am yearning to release them
Unable to pull the plug from the drain
And the unknown of what I will find
Except for the darkness that will surely
Leak out until it become me
And what if it consumes me
What happens when I can no longer breathe
Lead inside my chest
And it feels like death is breathing its life into my body
And all thoughts turn back to trying to control
This explosion that I have released from my mind
So once again I’m stuck on bathroom floor with a razor
This wasn’t how it was supposed to end
Where’s the resolution where’s the peace where’s the end
And with no one there to patch up the pieces
How can I know I won’t be cold tomorrow
Because I’m kidding myself if I think that won’t be me one day

Love yourself they told me, and I ran away
I ran until scars covered my thighs
And stopped with empty bottles at my feet
Looked around and tried to find who I was
All I found was a depressed and lonely person,
Slowly I opened up and learned to love part of me
Turned around and found them telling me to let go
To fight the parts that defines me as an individual
Leave depression behind and become someone new
So I gave up

Can you blink and pretend you never fell asleep
That wind had ceased to bang on your door
The roof still strong enough to hold up to the pouring rain
Can you blink and make the world turn backwards for a second
That memories wouldn’t only show in tears
The floor could keep you from collapsing once more
Can you blink and let me fade

I think I love you…
Now, I know it’s not the way you want
And I wish to god that I could offer you more
I wish I could fall…
But as I longingly search I discover a different love
A deep love – true
But not my one and only
I hope you understand

I will continue to think of you
Even as you pull away
I will always care
Even when you don’t want me to
Or think I don’t remember
I do. And I will.
You do not know
And will never truly know
The positive impact that you and your love
Has had on my being and the universe captured by my eyes
You have opened those eyes and shown me love

A self-less love
That has shed light on my darkest days
That has held me tight and let me cry without judgement
That has been full of acceptance even when I couldn’t accept myself
That has jumped to my aid at any chance with a determined stubbornness
That has shown interest in my every thought like no one ever has
That has brought me a joy I didn’t know was possible
That has created smiles and laughs that I will cherish beyond my lifetime

I realize you want to walk out of my life
That this dream is not sustainable
And I have to let you go
But I don’t want to
I love you
I love you
I hope you know – I. love. you.

I’m sorry for having gone away again and
for the sleepless nights its caused you
I never meant for you to get so
wrapped up in this tangled mess  
And I fear that it is wraps so tightly around your neck
that you’re struggling for every breath  


But the night is now over and
I’m still so scared to come back  
With so much potential; stored up drives to live  
but what if. What if its not enough
What if im not ready and it all comes back crashing down
And me, I can barely stand as it is.

I catch my breath; snuggling closer
And yet still unable to feel you
Our bodies move together; clothes cast aside
And yet worry consumes me
My tears are caught in your arms
And yet I still feel distant

My hunger for your love pushes me further
A trapped animal; isolated by the bars I have created
How does one tear down this wall
between us that never existed?
Fluttering panic I cling to you
Hoping to feel some ounce of worth
But walls are cold; and cannot warm my skin
Defeated I pull away and collapse onto myself
Until I allow the pain of feeling back in
Or more often; slap a mask back on and walk out

Don’t tell me it will get better, that it wont last
I know. but it will come back again
And maybe just I don’t want to exist in this constant battle
It comes back more often than it leaves

Finding doctors finding hope, finding pain
And loss, darkness, searching in a dizzying haze
Naked vulnerability dragging the breath from my lungs
A shroud of fog to wrap around myself  
And laid in the freshly dug ground, eyes closed
Only to wake on the metal table surrounded by doctors

You took away our voices before
we had the chance to create them
That any thought spoken louder than a
whisper was something to be ashamed of
An opposing opinion resulting in dismissal
a reconfirmation of low self esteem
Or met with disproportional anger
the discussion; one sided was simply yelling
Never needing a reasoning behind why
your opinions were correct; you’re the adult
Expecting us to swallow everything you
said without question. Who gave you this power?
How did you come to sit on a hand crafted pedestal
look around with ignorant eyes, creating false truths
From your own opinions. That we must abide by
or keep silent for in our silence there is submission

From this came my pain and lack of acceptance
survival depended on hiding; learning to act
Through this I lost the chance to become an individual
Quite shells to take your anger out on
Rather than discovering individuality
My sole goal was invisibility to keep pain at bay
detachment tying me back from creating myself
While you stand to the side oblivious to consequences
Now I stand in the rubble of the past
fumbling to put the pieces together; dissolving cracks
Scraping the filth away to find what I desperately hid
a constant battle to reject not myself but the
ideas that you have ingrained within me
While the bullets have ceased;
the rebuilding is just emerging  
Trying to accept myself when you never would

I can feel my pulse beating, telling me im alive
But then why do I feel nothing inside
This fine coat of numbness steals my every breath
I don’t know how to live like this
Although one would think that I’d have learned by now
For how much of my life I have spent in this pit
And yet here I am once again with my
Finger pressed against my wrist
Part of me hoping that I won’t feel that rush of blood
But it always comes down to this:
Questioning the end and existence

Struggling to shed this emptiness
Knowing that if I manage to poke a hole
in this façade a dark creature will emerge
He will consume my thoughts and being
Render me useless to go about life
To let everything out; to breathe easy
To breathe in the relaxing sadness of rain
That this not a luxury granted to me
No I can open that part of me to the world
I have to be someone else for so many people
Someone stronger someone who doesn’t
long to sip tea with demons but wards them off
so that you can breathe and to me
that is the reason I take each breath

Waves are crashing in my lungs; You ask what’s for dinner
I curl up next to you even though my skin itches to the touch
And watch as you subconsciously turn over, never realizing
Hearing my voice echo across hollow ears as I say I don’t feel well
And an answer back to get some sleep, just need some sleep
I crumple to the ground, no energy left to move unless its for harm
The pressure not to collapse; as it’s already in motion clouds my head
Then the anger; the façade not redeemable and you hurt in the process
Crashing through trees desperate to escape the hurt you’ve sent careening after me
Finally I come back and tell you I’m sorry for hurting you, and I mean it
I just don’t think you should’ve ever been hurt by it

Why do you not see me? Why do you not care?
Are you so blind by your own problem? Am I by my own?
Can you not see why I question your love for me?

Just because they’re gone
Doesn’t mean you’re alone

Blink. Open your eyes child.
You are not alone
You are loved.
And while it may not be by everyone
No one ever is
And yet here you are
Surrounded by love
Protected by love
Blink.

Just because they’re gone
Doesn’t mean they wanted to leave

You don’t know the full story
And never will
Many were ripped away, unwillingly
You must know this
Turn your head from your doubts
Open your eyes.
You know this to be true

Just because they’re gone
Doesn’t mean that they didn’t care
It doesn’t mean you aren’t loved
And while this is shakily unstable at best
You are allowed to enjoy this fragile life of yours
You are allowed to live.

And I’m sitting there in the dark
Thinking of how you would want me dead
And yet if ever presented with the question  
You, you would look me in the eyes and deny
But why is there never a hand to hold  
when the weight is too much and
I want to end everything again  
why do you all look away and and call it a fault  
when an emotion slips out unprotected  
this world you have built up is comprised
of lies and I do not wish to be one  
of your hostages that you hold for ransom
knowing that no one would ever come looking for me  
I hear your voice say protection but you lips speak of prison

Homemade pasta; a family effort,
and smells of baking birthday cakes
Quickly faded into pizza and chicken nuggets;
family gatherings now held by the hospital bed
The era of casseroles sprang up unannounced when
our living room became a welcoming room for strangers
but they were sorry for my loss

Grilled cheese and pizzas once again were a staple
as the strangers moved forward, expecting us to follow
A whirlwind of wedding cake and dancing
molded on three more to my family of four
Family dinners a newly sacred tradition
was the welcoming stage for the new regime
but our faces wore smiles

Meals were tension and mouthfuls of anxiety
our masks wearing thin; yet we were to be the happy family
Dining hall meals eventually replaced the tension
and a new family emerged to surround me
Except for those nights when beer was my only sustenance
being touched by darkness to the hidden monster within
but i was trained; my smile would not falter  

TV dinners stock the freezer back home
broken family biding time until the next explosion
wounds too deep to see accompanied unacknowledged pain

I don’t blame you for the changing leaves
Or for wishing me to stay inside
And I regret the worry I cause
You hear the pitter of rain while the sky remains clear
But there’s a beating in my head that won’t be silenced
And shadows mimic my every motion  
To be fair I’ve seen frost in your own eyes  
Even when you wouldn’t dare see it in mine  
I am packing to cross that threshold
with the knowledge that those winds may be the last I hear

Ripping it from the dark box it called home
Holding it in my own shaking hands
Dripping anger and a fear of lost control
Allowing bits to slip through my hands
I sit ingesting its vulnerability
The temptation to spread my hands
How easy it would be to watch it fall away
It stares up at me with a sort of hopefulness
Hopeful that I would give it peace or
A promise that it would give it to me
If only I was more patient

But the questions keep ringing and
My chest is clenched in pain from each breath
Why should I wade through the muck
When there is no end but this
Bare feet to the ground
I clutch it to my lungs longing for answers
Time is irrelevant and the house is at peace
Perhaps this will be my night
Perhaps a walk in the woods will clear my head
Few more drops released to my feet
A need to cry is disrupted by dry tears

Endless circle with no answers
Numb spikes in my figures from holding it
This thing that is supposed to belong to me
And I still don’t understand why anyone would
Believe that this is a decent present to give
But then I guess I was given it by accident
So what if I accidently let it fall
Endless questions with no resolutions
Maybe this black sky will bring compromise
To choose another blade on the self
To drift into unconsciousness  

I stand up wondering why no one sees
How many times I have opened this box
But I return as countless time before
Slip into bed, flowers with ribbons
Of blood pool at my feet

You ripped me open to peer inside;
find the secrets you were locked out of
You turned and thought nothing of it;
did not even try to learn from what you discovered
Instead you turn it to place the blame
on me since I made it too tempting for you
So I had no choice to stand before you
naked and vulnerable and soon I ran
And for all your mental tallies
construing yourself to be the victim
I want you to know that I have forgiven
you for betraying the little trust I had
You always wanted our relationship to
be different when you took the time to look back
But were never willing to put in the
daily efforts that it takes to get it there
So you started taking short cuts
after all you mind is a tangled mess of lies
Cheating eventually collapses upon itself
and here that mask you made us
create is unveiling itself as just that –
a lie leaving you alone in a pool of hate
In forgiveness you are mistaken;
it does not mean a fresh start nor see you;
Hear your voice; have your fakeness
pollute the air I’m trying to breathe
Someone who was ***** can
forgive but would you blame them for
Never wanting to see that face again?
And yet you are back in my life
You don’t understand where I’m at
or who I am; but that does not concern you
As long as your shell appears nice from afar