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Hello Sayer Mar 2012
Kinesiology is the new brain surgery
Preferential treatment
A Martyr for your sugar gene

Cat fights
Bud lights
Hookups and straightened hair
This is the new Jesus

Wouldn't you know
It's the jocks and the nerds again
Over and over until
you've lost all your friends

To a horrible incident
where you decided to be free
This is why you will always
Be better than me

Projectile *****
Thesis on emesis
I am so green
I am peridot and coriander

Caring about what they think
Watching all the popular shows

Does and stags
Waving flags
Pre-packaged beliefs
Artificial older sister
Looking down your nose

You are so humble
You are so polite
It's the other person's fault
When you get in a fight

But most of all
You aren't racist
You aren't racist
There's no way you're a racist
About a person who I think is more automaton than human being and who is seen as much better than others because of her artificial bland mainstream nature.  Might make this into a song.
Hello Sayer Mar 2012
Little wallflower at the back of the room
Sitting pretty, waiting to bloom
Watching the others in their gaiety
Dreaming of tiny steps to spontaneity

If you have something to say, say it
But even when you do, you delay it
Sitting in the back all alone
Where have you hidden your backbone?

You wait it out until that perfect silence
The challenge, the defiance
Of delivering the right answer
When everyone else just stands there

But it seems it will never come
You'd rather they think you were dumb
Instead of watching the heads turn
And feeling your throat burn

And it has to be something meaningful
Something wise, beneficial
Because this is the leaf upturned
This is the incense finally burned

You must be wise and reveal a profound truth
Or the silent one will be seen as the dumb mute
But not too weird and different either
Or you might as well be having a seizure

As you speak there is such an unjust silence
And as you finish an applause and laughter like raw violence
For despite your careful wording
They will never pay attention to anything but asserting

Asserting, asserting is gold
Asserting yourself and being bold
Being confident, being ****
Being exposed, being rude

Even if you proved the professor wrong
Even if in three seconds you wrote a song
Even if you recited a hundred digits of Pi
All they care about is that you are speaking and that you were once shy

And that
my friends
is a spectacle
About being shy in a school setting. It ***** sometimes.
Hello Sayer Mar 2012
The stress keeps me awake
My bedtime is pushed forward an hour
Three hours
At three thirty I admit defeat and rest my head
Or so I think
Gritted teeth and dry mouth
Growling belly
Arching back
Aching wisdom tooth
The pillow slowly slips away from me
I try to dream up horrible fantasies
Male vulnerability
Hostages and electrodes
Conscious becomes unconscious
While I lie awake trying to be as still as a wall
Instead I tremble like a leaf attached to the tree by a millimeter
I know in the morning my blankets will seem so much softer
My dreams absolutely captivating
I'll have regretted my time of cold feet and absolute terror
The next day will bring horrors unimaginable
Humiliation, fear, rushing from place to place
And without warning I achieve what I've been waiting for
I drift away
I'm in the room of my dreams
My room
I don't remember ever physically going there but here I am
And it is so familiar.
I see it every three years in my dreams
I must belong there in some way
It is the room of my soul
The place of turning points, perhaps
All-encompassing mahogany brown
Nineteenth century
A court house, a church and a mansion all in one
Justice, religion, riches
Do I believe in any of these things?
My eyes drink it all in although I've seen it many times without remembering
I think it is in England
This place
A long table at the front
And a pulpit and an altar
It is hard to remember
But so vivid in dreams
There are other rooms
Thousands
But this room stands at the top of the mansion
A square balcony in the middle of the room opens to the rest of the house below
It is filled with gold and brown antiques
They remind me of my bookish grandmother

I see a classmate of mine from university
I sang in Chapel Choir with him
An aspiring conductor now
Always taking things seriously and getting excellent marks
He greeted me
Seeing as it was a dream I expected some wise conducting advice
Since I have no aptitude for it at all
But suddenly a frightening brown-haired marionette was pressed to my face
Muppet-like in appearance with red lips and freakish features
Beckoning me to come to her
In some dark cabaret of the mind
But I was already there
My classmate's face was impossible to see now
She consoles and coaxes
Dances with me
I know he wants to manipulate me
His puppet tells me to relax and sit down
My pink roommate barges in and doesn't seem at all curious about what is going on
She looks on the ground for what she is missing
And speaks in short confused sentences
I feel uncertain, yet relaxed
I think I am safe since my roommate is in the same room
The puppet pinches my shin and injects a clear fluid into my leg
Then extracts the blood slowly and uncomfortably
I feel strange, more faint
I open my eyes and I am in my small dark room again
My escape was a success
I still feel the pinch of the needle on my shin
So I shake off the feeling
My first instinct is to try to continue the dream
I want to know what happens next
What happened and why
And yet it was so real
The thought of continuing seemed terrible
I tried and tried but it had stopped for good
For that short time I had completely abandoned my problems and responsibilities
For more frightening new ones
I felt like I was a fictional character
A much better embodiment than being a real person
But that room
Maybe I belong there
Maybe I am something more special than I am now
The room of my dreams, my soul
The room of my past, present and future
Maybe I will call it Court Church
I was left more tired than I had ever felt after a near sleepless night
A walking zombie
The curse of Court Church
Based on a place that keeps appearing in my dreams.
Hello Sayer Mar 2012
You can't write a song or a poem
without being a slave to its form
It is no longer an outlet like it used to be
It is just a place to copy the people who used it as an outlet
Or to challenge them
But nevertheless not just simply for expressing what is inside you

What is inside me
are visions of mocking faces
turned backs
Upturned noses
Shunning

I am the idiot
That is my archetype
I guess that would mean I act as a comic relief device
Except I'm not very funny
And I don't find it funny that people laugh at
someone struggling sizzling swerving crashing into the waves of misfortune
That didn't make sense
So now people will discount my poem
Because it doesn't make sense
It doesn't follow the ******* rules
And it doesn't make sense of not making sense
Everyone must draw within the lines
Move within the cookie cutter
Fill it

Soon they'll be discussing me
Gossiping
I'll never work with them again
Because I didn't do the work
Oh, could any words be more cruel?
But it's true
I deserve pain, death for betraying them so
But I did try to do it
Oh how I wanted to give a good first impression
But I didn't prepare ahead of time
I didn't manage my time
Such violent words
Blunt, yet sharp
I'm just so sick of all these rules - in poetry, in literature, in society. People are so obsessed with deadlines and it really annoys me.
Hello Sayer Mar 2012
To be fair he doesn't know me
To be fair it doesn't slow me down

There's a chance
A possibility
You talk to me
How great is that?
You want to know me
But can't you see?
I hate to talk about myself

I'm the boring one
Who only talks about work
I'm the boring one
That means I'm practically a ****
I'm the boring one
Oh no!  How could this be?
I'm the boring one
I'm the boring one

You ask how I am
I ask you back
You say you're great
It's a repeated track
And then the weather
That's where we all can agree
It hurts to talk about myself

I'm the boring one…..

You were the worst one
Investigating my plight
You always asked me
What are you doing tonight?
Pathetic answers
Made me avoid you
It kills me to talk about myself
About a guy at my work that seemingly wanted to know everything about me. I was suspicious of him and I do not like talking about myself because I am uncertain of myself in general.
Hello Sayer Mar 2012
Take me back to when top hats were like business suits
When the white moths had become black with filth
When the Thames was brown like the rotted teeth of beggars
And not just because of the mud
When the Irish and the Slavic were exotic
When London was Birmingham
When Birmingham was Liverpool
When Liverpool was a country village
When there were millions
And yet they were still so innocently oblivious
Take me to the city clothed in black
For there was always a funeral somewhere
London
The noisy factories
And crowded slums
The fear that the cold brings
The pain that disease brings
The real London
The honest London
The dark, deadly London of my nightmares
Every narrow, dimly-lit alleyway dripping with **** and blood
Full of criminals and drunks
Ominous dark brown bricks
The suffocating stink that follows you wherever you go
Cursing, begging
Lifting, cuffing, gaffing, looting, nicking, pinching, swiping, thieving, pilfering, pillaging
Hundreds of words for stealing
Where the poor are painfully poor
Where every woman that smiles at you is a *******
Corpses lying in the streets
Next to gas lamps
The only beacons of light
People packed into bedrooms like chickens
Sleeping on the string

Highly disturbing
But it's best not to interfere
For someone else will deal with it
Industry and decency will save us all

There is no trace of that now
Except the noble stone buildings
Commissioned by the corrupt

This is my fear and obsession
For some reason I am fascinated by this particular time and place: the slums of Victorian London. I'm talking Whitechapel in 1891 or Spitalfields in 1888 or something. That's where it's at!
Hello Sayer Mar 2012
I know it inside me
And I can feel it
Everyone has it to some degree
A beauty about them
Everyone will be loved
Everyone finds someone
To love them

But I haven't found him

So much lust
From men with the wrong beauty for me
I feel just like them
Looking for the one
I want to love
But it's not returned
It's never returned

I can't wait
I can't wait

Is he brown-haired and tweed?
Is he a four-eyed blond?
Is he full of confidence?
I have so many hopes and crushes
Crushed

Is he perfect or almost perfect?
Or one of those men with the wrong beauty?
Will I settle?

No, I won't back down.
I'm an idealist so I won't back down.
You can't make me settle
Like they did in 1391.
You can't make me settle
Like they did in 1391.
You can't make me settle.
Like Erin Everly.
Love... unrequited...
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