the other day we were together and it was like a happiness so unexperienced. something euphoric and out of body. a happiness that was so perfect i don't know if ill ever be able to return to it. when i feel the wind rushing through my hair and your hand on me and my blood pulsing through me; a feeling i don't see attainable unless you're there with me.

\ i don't know why my body is having difficulty adjusting to a place i love.  a place i dreamed of living and now do. and now i find myself ridden with stress that doesnt feel real. the body is a  scary place that i find hard to love. /

and I love you but, I'm no where to be found in your heart. and I will love you till your last goodbye but, you don't remember my name to say goodbye. and I can only see you when I look in the mirror but, you don't remember what I look like. and I hope you don't look now because finally jumping off the bridge but, you've already walked away.

it's time I make a change once and for all. I've been the same short-tempered and wreckless human my entire life and now I'm beginning to be too old for this.

and as we come across each bridge a new challenge presents itself. some make us stronger and storm deteriorate all that we have left, but we have all the power to change these underlying issues that only arise when one of us decides to stay silent. we realize we are the bridge, and as time passes our issues either let us pass or break the bridge.

because in the end all that's left of me is my face in shattered pieces and lipstick stains. you'll put me on a pedestal and wind me up when you want me. you've broken me down like splintered wood. so tell me, why don't you love me?

and here you are trying not to stare at what you used to know like the back of your hand. someone so simple yet more complex than the universe and all of its planets. someone who would rather run her car of the road into a tumultuous death than watch the boy she loved go about his life as if they'd never met. yet here you are, burying her as if you never witnessed those parts of her. watching as if you never were those parts of her. but you were and you can hear the bones breaking as you come to realize that she was you and you were her and no matter what you change and how much you change, you were her. no matter how many feet into the deep, cold ground she lies.

its like when you're little and something amazing happens and when you think about it you get this instant warm feeling that takes over your whole body and you forget every worry you've been carrying. or when you're 16 and you finally get to drive without your mom in the car and its like you have the entire world beneath your feet. maybe even when you're a senior in high school and you're with the boy you love and you get slushies and decide to just drive for hours singing and laughing and it feels like that moment will be forever and play on and on in your mind.

because life doesn't pay anymore attention to you if your blood drips down your arm or remains in your veins.

And she is dripping with the finest of golds and silvers and the happiest smile, but when she takes off all the shimmering jewels the smiles slips off into the jewelry box as well.

and I've tried to be the best in your world of hope, but I simply cant. I ask me why you seem to look at me with no hope of anything but I don't know what I've done. I'm deeply paralyzed by the glazed look of hatred that's become plastered over your face.

and if you asked one of my friends they'd say I'm fine, but if you look at me you can see in my eyes that i am far from it. eat eat you must eat the y'all say, but my stomach is filled with worries and doubts that i am full for days.

What happens when two people lose their consistency.. it hurts and its as if nothing will fix it. You push and pull like the ocean, but the  constant is no longer there

I've spent countless hours dreaming of your
ever haunting smile. and you're alive in every bit of
my insanity; and without you here I begin to question
my existence. because you pull me, you pull me.
you pull me until I'm screaming I love you instead of
showing it. what good is writing about it either. I don't
understand love, only death.

and how you dare place the affection I crave into someone's hands who will drop it harder and harder each time.  as I watch you make mistakes with her, I only realize that your soul has shattered into a million pieces that create a picture perfect replica of the glass bottle ill throw at the wall at 3 a.m. thinking of you. how silly of me to think I could be the only flower in your garden.

and when I'm lost i look for my light whether near or far, there you are. my light home, my hope and my serenity.

a list of the insignificant things bothering me:
1. do they hate me
2. do they talk poorly about me when im not around
3. do i even care
4. ...

love me love me.

i need you to love me.

i push and i push.

but you don't seem to pull anymore.

to the girl I was then, I guess I have to find it in me to forgive you. The hurt, lost and bent 20 something. its taken me time to come to this realization that sometimes the things we do are a reflection of how we are inside, especially when they hurt others. and that's me, the girl who let her inside control the outside and hurt others in retaliation of those who hurt her. good luck miss 21.

and I can feel myself shaking as if an earthquake has shook only my body. tell me why I already know your name even though we are just meeting, are you sure we haven't met before? nervously spilling secrets you already know my hands are shaking and you can see it in my eyes. we meet everyday but you're a different stranger today. are you sure we haven't met before?

i dont remember why this is happening again. i feel empty yet again. lost and confused; i don't know why this is happening to me. why did you betray me why did you leave me out to dry like i was just another wet towel from your past?

I shouldn't be in love with you in any way shape or form, but I still am. my body shouldn't be shaking when your eyes dart across at me in the hallway, but I still am. I shouldn't be reminiscing of when you and I were happy and laughing without any fear of the world, but I still am.

and i hope you wake up one day in a panic over all of the bad choices you've ever made in your life. and that you continue to have that reoccurring nightmare of becoming your father and never making people feel that they're loved. and i pray for the day your realize that letting me walk out was the worst choice of all. Most importantly, I want the best for you since it was never me.

The best friend who you can't tell your most intimate life secrets with. The same best friend who you share your life with, on the opposite side of the country who is the only person you want to be with but cant.

i didn't know what love was until i met you. i thought i did, i thought it was love when he walked away and said nothing but texted you saying i love you. and i thought i knew love when he took pieces of who i was so i could be someone more like his expectations, and it took me awhile to find the small bits of me that were meant to be with me after they were so far shoved away from me. i also thought i knew love when the boy i though i "loved" told me that there were things in the world that were more important to do, things he had to do to live up his senior year. i was relieved to find out that none of those feelings were actually love, but attachment to something new. i found out i knew what love was when i met this guy and hearing him talk made time stop and feel like the nothing bad would happen. i was relieved to find out that love goes lengths and love doesn't mean you're on the floor wondering if he'll ever look at you the way you look at him. i fell deeper in love when i found out i got to be in love with someone who would raise my passions higher than i deemed possible, someone who would stand beside me through whatever it is i could manage to go through and i would do the same for them. i was relieved when all the things i felt like my stomach would feel as if it was lifting away in the best feeling possible, and all because something reminded me of the love we share. i felt limitless when i realized you were the one i love.

and i remember the truth that came with the pain. the deep cutting pain that managed to fit itself within my veins. i remember how it was all my fault and how i had to watch them take you away so they could save you; even though thats what I've been trying to do all my life. "what are you waiting for" they asked me over and over but i couldn't remember how to speak.

if you ask someone who has never experienced great love before if you can die of a token heart; they will simply laugh in your face and say no. However, if you ask someone that has experienced great love, they will look you in the eyes when they remember the day the light in theirs went out. they will proceed to remember the long days and even longer nights of lying there and not knowing what was next or how to cope, they will remember being so empty that finishing a writing like this was not possible .

and i had forgotten, the way your words twirled me deeper into you. or how your touch pulled me closer to your unforgiving heart. how could i bear to remember the way we were best friends, and it felt like we'd known each other since the dawn of time. but somehow, seeing you with her brought all of these unforgotten memories right back to where they began; to me, without you.

and maybe there is a reason I'm sad but my mind isn't ready to tell me because it would be too much for me to handle.

like the ocean kisses the sand to bed every night and over and over, why couldn't you share your true feelings with me? you sit and dream of what could be and ache at how broken your heart is, but do nothing to mend it. how could you?

I've begun to teach myself how to write of happy memoirs instead of sad ones. its easy to look back on the past and add dark cynical words to it; it seems to be more difficult for me when i try to incorporate happy joyful words into my writing.

i love him so, but youd never guess that when im drunk. it hurts us both and sometimes i wonder if its a sign or that im just ******* crazy.

my mind is not here nor there. and neither are you. I tell myself I'm done I'm done I don't need you I'm done. yet here I am; writing about you. I'll tell myself it has nothing to do with you. although it does.

and its like I'm floating, drifting into an state unconsciousness. something i don't quite know how to explain and don't quite want to. but if you saw you'd understand

overwhelmed, sleep deprived and anxious. The things we feel are things we can't put into words because we are overtaken in feeling. maybe its just me or maybe I'm just rambling, but god i feel so far from the world

"Where do You plan to be in ten years?"
We get asked this an average of 50 times throughout a college semester, and at least once in every liturature class. It's a question that can be shot in multiple directions, but you have the arrow to chose that direction. When asked I personally take it in the direction thats less taken. In ten years I want to be where Im supposed to be, and most importantly, I want to be overflowing with happiness. I can't "plan" where ill be because life throws you in so many unplanned directions that making plans really is just a way of having mental sanity until God shows you the real plan. So to answer the question we've all been asked, in ten years, i want to be where I'm placed to be, happily and whole fully living it.

and why is it that for some of us, a few insignificant words can make us question everything? Is it because i could be bipolar? or am i just as unhappy with myself as these words are portraying? it makes me rethink it all.

and i remember our second date, we went to my favorite place and just sat in your car and talked. its so wild how from the minute we met each other we had this unreal, unheard of connection that no words can describe. its like I've always known you, as if we have lived vicariously through each other without ever even knowing it. anyway, on our second date you told me the song "Green Eyes" by Coldplay reminded you of me and in that moment you would've thought that nothing could go wrong ever. but that also takes me back to our first date how we had talked for over a month and i could tell i liked you but you were so secretive about if you liked me so i kept my feelings at bay and tried my best not to show mine either. but once again like i said, this wasn't the first time I've met you; maybe on earth but somewhere else I've known you my entire life. and i knew you liked me i really did no matter how many times you tried to deny it or push it or me away i knew you did. because from sunrise to sunset we talked to each other. we didn't know that each of us would be the person that would change us so much for the better. cause you see, when you met me i was the girl who was shattered to pieces and it looked as if there was no changing that; the girl who was so sharp and so innocent, the one who would help you grow in ways you saw unfixable. and when i met you, you were the guy who was at the top of his game, far from a broken point, someone who didn't know innocence. you're the guy that would put me back together in ways more beautiful than before. we were the people each other knew deep down they needed, but weren't looking in the right places. you looked in the bottom of a bottle and i looked at the bottom of a boy who never found out who she really was, just created someone she never was.

who am i ? why am i here? and why won't my mouth open when i need to talk about whats going on in my mind before i drown myself in my thoughts? why no why?  i guess all i have to blame is myself for shutting down and just staring at you when you spill out how much you love me and all i can say is why? i can't find myself but i don't even know what to look for anymore

At what point do we let go of all the past us we hold? At what point does it not bother us to see one of our pasts out with a new future? When do we begin to move on from the what could of been to the what is?