Beauty was bestowed upon me / A golden
Crown of self loathing / Replaced
By a thorny wraith / Unforgiving
Self worth / Slipping
Cutting clean / Through my ears
The ruby / Sensitive
Gum / The welling of red
On cracked lips / The raw
Pink inside of my cheek / The slight
Glisten of fever / Eyes / Forehead
The nape of my neck / Swirls
Of sheets / Alternating / Crisp and damp
Sunsets and shadows / Cast
Ant parades / Majestic
In their toil / Finding myself
Beauty in the very hight / Of senses
The senseless sun / Mine
For the taking / To use
For my own needs / Of the
Contrasting and blending/ Of
The human consciousness / Of
Beauty and pain.

It was the kind of night
That if you just stay long enough
Something miraculous will happen.

I was the kind of girl
Who always left too soon.

But that night, you,
Miraculously human,
Begged me stay.

You were my three year old
My own little clingy kid
Hanging onto the edge of my skirt while I was on the phone.

But that night was one
Were the phone call was not
More important than you.

And so I stayed

Humanly miraculous

Sane

Close by.

I paint my fingernails
A fresh coat of polish
I cannot afford a construction
Cannot, in this state
Fix my life
So I repaint myself
The tips of my fingers
Now a lavish turquoise
In hopes that by alienating my fingers
I will be able to alienate myself
From myself.

Pulling
                                                               Has become second nature
                                                   Pulling at strings
                                       To make the beings around me
                                Do as I will

                            Gentle
                          Barely felt tugs
                       At the cords of existance

              Pulling you closer
           A hand
          A hug
      Your shoulder against mine
   Sitting on the bus
Talking on a bench

Feeling you close

Knowing you're there

     The doors here
        I tell you
           Refuse to be pulled

                I must place my hands firmly
                   And tilt
                       My weight against them
                           Against my promise
                              To never again

                                                                  Push away.

Once upon a time
in a land
far far away and

only now do I understand
the recursion, you feel
more then just far.

In familiar locations
Lacking only you
I sit and slowly forget.

My room is scattered
With PaperCutPotentials
My skin is splitting
Just as the thought
The never ending battle
Of the sword and the pen
The ongoing struggle
For shelf space
The books suffocate
My own space and I
Am never alone
Words trailing me
Like ****** fingerprints
Everywhere I go
Leaving clues
For my feeble existence
Until the pen loses
And I all on my sword.

I am
incredible, look
at all that I have accomplished / a satisfied smile
flashes at my reflection / anchored / anchoring
when all the world is spinning / round and round

The balloons where white and popping / always popping
disappearing with the loud
sound of your voice / almost spoken / but not quite
conveyed / through your hands / but no more
I am
anchoring / anchored
I am

incredible, look
open your eyes and look / I tell myself
as I cry myself
to sleep.

He strikes a match and smoke
Fills the room
Gently spiraling
Upwards
In drunken swirls of white.

The inside of my mouth
Tastes sickly sweet
Cotton candy
And iron,what
Have they been feeding me?

Forced friendships
And forceful
Interactions, I look
For a means of escape
But the florescent lights glint
On the collection
Of bottles sitting
Abandoned
On the grand wooden table
Catching my eye
Catching
Me in their trap.

Mindless talk
And thoughtless comments
Create the fabric of our current universe
Constellations of blood ties and big
Black holes
Inescapable.

The aluminium folds
Under my able fingers
As I shape it to my
Will
My own tin man

I did not choose you
To be so heartless
Your purity lying in
The utter
Emptyness of your chest

And I, being the human I am
Constantly unpure and purifying
Find comfort in your
Sinlessness
Your inability to right me

No hope rises around you
And no shiver runs down my spine
At the touch of your cold skin
Frictionless
No strings able to attach.

Tomorrow - I will not
Be able to keep my eyelids open
Tomorrow - I will sit through
Hours of futile answers
Which test my ability
To hold my head above
The waters of the sea
Of life.

Today - I cry
And try
To sleep
And try
To calm down
And try and try
And fear tomorrow.

The darkness advances
As my foetus like form
Wishes to be

Reborn and leave
It's past for the future
Just not now

Just not today
Today is a good day
Inflicts physical pain

Onto the recent
Disfunctionality of my chest
As my bed acts

As a life boat
Trapping me in it in order
To live, I

Called you last night
And hung up immediately
And went back

To my pillow
Cause for you
*Tomorrow is even better

The first time we hugged
I grimaced
Apologetically
I'm an awkward hugger
I said.
Since then our hugs
Have become norm
Every meeting
And parting
And a few times
In between.
And I have come
To love
Your arms around me
With my head
Snuggled
Against the crook of your neck.
But now
At night
When I am alone
I crave your warmth
And your embrace.

I took your hand
           And let you
Take me away
                           לֶכְתֵּךְ אַחֲרַי
                         בַּמִּדְבָּר,
                               בְּאֶרֶץ לֹא זְרוּעָה
          Unkempt
   Unknown
To anyone but us
                   אֶרֶץ לֹא-עָבַר בָּהּ אִישׁ,
                                   וְלֹא-יָשַׁב אָדָם שָׁם
     And they won't say
A thing, and I
              Run away
                 Away
                        רְאִי דַרְכֵּךְ בַּגַּיְא,
                  דְּעִי מֶה עָשִׂית
Just as I was trying
                                           To forget.

I have no face
I walk around seeing
Other people's faces
And remember them
Inside my head but
Never expect them
To remember me
I have no face
It's true, just look
At photos, I am not
There, I am the faceless
Old women who secretly
Is part of your life
I have no face, I
Have no place but
That which you will
Attribute to me and
From most people
That isn't much, either
So I am left faceless
Will you give me
My face?

First time for everything
Things that I wish
Never came, first
Time for everything
Implies it will be followed
By others, they followed
Me, I wanted to run
Away, away, as fast
As I could but they
Were stronger than I
Big, strong hands, holding
Me down, everything
Blurs and I wanted
To run away
Away, as fast
As I could,not fast
Enough, why couldn't
I have run then
Like I can now?

The words in front of me
Seem familiar
I cannot place my finger
On why, though.

I read your words
And then realized that I
Am now part
Of a poem.

I've been hanging on
This whole time so
Don't just leave cause
You think it's best.

I had so much to do
But I felt so alone
And in those moments
I wanted you to stay.

The guitar strums coming
From the brown fenced house
The obnoxiously loud music
Coming out a car window
The old man humming
To himself, as he wheezes
Past me
On his motor scooter
Make my day.

Whenever I walk
Alone, I walk
Serenely.

I take time to admire
My surroundings, feel
My bare feet against
The warm pavement,
The breeze playing
Through my hair, I
Imagine how my skirt
Must look, fluttering in
This sudden summer
Wind and how the flowers
Must see me, all tall and
Intimidating. Maybe
One of them is now
Falling in love.

As I walk, maybe I find
The sun too bright, so that
I skip from shade to shade
My feet finding comfort in
The darkened spots
Of the streets. Maybe
I imagine a dialogue inside
My head, between me and
Maybe you or him or
Her, and maybe, sometimes
It comes out
Out loud.

As I walk, I
Forget myself
And the world
Around my own
And it's no wonder
I can never get
Anything done.

I'm a coward
But you keep
Insisting
I am
Brave.

The metronome
On my table
Has been broken
And since then
I'm out of sync.

Human, you make me
Happy, you make me
Less mad, you keep me
Sane with your non touching
Hand, you do your best
You do your best, you do
What you can despite being
Just human.

Human, please let me
Help, please let me
In, I am aware my burden
Is not one you are eager
To increase, but I will do
My best, because you too
Are only human.

Human, talk with me
Into the night, and show me
Nothing, but through your
Writing hand, where you let me
Envision you hands grabbing your
Hair, I can feel
Your pain, I can feel
It now, cause I too
Am only human.

Human, we are both flawed
Beyond.

In the pond behind
The Rabbi's house
A thin sheet of ice
Would gather every winter.

We would never step
On it, because we all
Knew that it will break -
I wish I looked so fragile

Right now so that people
Will know to be careful
Around me so I won't
Crack, yet again.

As my feet pounded the asphalt
Hard and my heart pounded in my throat
I saw the finish line and marked it
My destination.

My heart elevated and the last dozen
Steps were easier than all, but then comes the
Pain, keep walking, keep walking
Keep walking.

And as you feel your lungs
Collapsing in on you and your muscles
Screaming, there is no end in sight
No reason

To keep moving on, to
Keep fighting, that is when you will
Break, when you will fall apart
And wish for oblivion.

He knew he was going to
Document it in words and
I knew he was going to
Do that as well and he knew
That I'll know that he knew
By now, so he hurried his feet
Towards home.

I never believed in Murphy
But then I told you
That I was getting better.

Next night
I slept in sheets
That smelt of you.

I brushed my teeth and
Fixed my bed once again
And washed my feet in the downstairs sink.

I stand on a pile
Queen of the towels
And ready myself for the fall.

Today was my curfew
So why aren't I asleep
Why aren't you putting me down
Like the good horse that I am.

I've worked my **** off for years
And I deserve better
You're working girl doesn't function anymore.

Come oil my joints
And join me in bed
Like you always do.

Your hand
Outstretched towards me
Was the thing I have craved
For what seems forever. Every
Time I saw them dancing
I wanted to be a part, but couldn't
Bring myself to free
My body from my mind. That
Hand, your hand
Is the one I've always waited for, the
Invitation I've been needing, that
Last push, the display of
Willingness on your behalf that
Lets me be a part as well, lets me
Move my body ecstatically to
Music that is mostly not my own
But makes me, finally, a part.

God's apple is so *******
He bit at it and spat out the seeds
And the garden of Eden grew
Another tree, he
Banished the humans because
He needed some quiet
And filled the land
With the seeds of his favourite fruit, God
Is a tree who is firmly
Rooted in the ground and
Stretches out his arms to
Help others, God sent the apples
Down to the world so that
Metaphors could be span out of them
In the hearts of the weary
And in the mouth of lovers
We sat in God's living room
And he offered us
Some apples
We had to decline.

I always wished for long slender finger
So that I could play more nimbly, so my
Art would be better but now I look at the
Bones and flesh that are my hands which
Seem disconnected from this world, from
Real life, from she who is me, they feel
Fragile, as if they might break at any
Moment and with
Them is me.

You shout "Space!", you notice
A flickering light just behind
Your head and permit the
Fireflies to show themselves
To us, for the first time, you
Persist it's a helicopter, though
I want to believe it is a star,
Shining brighter than all the
Others, flickering so slightly
Like myself, we walk and I
Try to enjoy myself, the chill
Of the spring evening and the
Beauty of our world, the white
Dandelions around us almost
Glowing in the dark, but I am
Trapped inside a world of my own
Creation, one to which you are
Not welcome, and so we are
Apart although we are together
My brain alternating between
Throwing off it's guards completely
In pure exhaustion and letting
Myself immerse in the pain or
Staying strong and being
Constantly disconnected from
My surroundings.  I just wish
It weren't so beautiful tonight.

You envy my ability
To remember, please
Don't.

Lately,
I seem to be having
More dream than sleep.

I find myself
Waking up in pure exhaustion
From an over active subconscious.

Adrenalin
Doing it's best to fill
The void that is you.

Lately,
I tend to lose
My hands and feet.

I leave them
In some corner and
Forget that I ever had

The ability
To walk freely
Wherever and whenever I wish.

Lately,
I seem to want
To constantly run

Away.

His hands on my body
Were cold, cold,
Cold hands on warm flesh
Like when you open
The back of the bra
On a cold winter day
Cold hands on warm flesh
I can feel them again
Goosebumps run down
My back and I double over
Like I didn't then
Cold hands on warm flesh
That make you want to
Run away from your own fingers
Only those weren't my fingers
And I wasn't the one
Unhooking my bra.

I have poisoned myself
With an overdose of you
And rehab is ruthless.

The only antidote existing
For you is you and that
Is a never ending loop.

So I look for short term
Solutions by poisoning
My nights and making

My days blurry and my
Unconsciousness short and
You are then you.

Of course I
Trust you, you
Never gave me a reason
Not to, you were
Always there, it is
Not trivial, not for
Me, I am more grateful
Than my words
Can portray, I thank
You for telling me
I am amazing, I
Needed that, I need
It every time and
Hate myself for needing
It, I wanted to tell
You that I am not
Brave but the words
Wouldn't come out
Between the sobs, I
Just want you to know
I heard everything and
I cannot thank you
Enough.

Tonight I seem to miss them again
I don't know if to cry or to laugh.

Songs which I would never
Consider writing and which
Are enveloped in fond memories
Play on the radio.

The edge of my trousers
Are wet but my feet are dry
And cold as ice in their warm stockings
Which I want to take of.

My life feels like one big
Disonance at the moment
As I take books off the bookshelfs and
Bang them open and shut.

Open and
Shut and open and
Shut and the dust asks
My lungs to let it
In my but my lungs
Protest and my nose
Wants more and my
Hands hurt and my eyes
Beg more
And I am sore.

מתוך המעשים
נמשכים הלבבות so
We clean the outside so that inside
We will be cleansed as well.

And I am sore.

Halfway to the post office
On the main road, I
Noticed I was barefoot -
You can take the girl
Out of the farm
But you can't take the farm
That's mine
I got it for my birthday.