I no longer know what to write
How to express my distress
Because it does not exist
persist
Happiness has clouded the literary aperture
And my words flounder
Flailing to find meaning

Despair's volubility
imparted a certain variegated flourish to my poetry
Pleasure leaves me maundering stoically

I fear I fear the doubt in sedulous reflection
Blissful ignorance pervades conflagrant dissection
Love life happiness
Temporary distractions

The aperture will soon be clear
Life's down's have silver linings

There were moments between us

That I can see clearly

Like a photograph

Taken by Canon dSLR

Captured at exactly right moment

As if time stood still.



You carrying my white comforter to your red Mustang

In memory of the *******

You had a glint in your eye

And even though we didn’t say goodbye

That white comforter left hanging around your shoulders

Said I won’t forget you.



At the Christmas party

You said you were tired

And sat down

I hovered around

Until you gestured to join you

And you took my hand

Unfazed

By this grand gesture

in front of your friends

And left me assured.



Your fingers

Softly trailing up and down

My bare arms

Tingles down my spine

A sensation that lingers

Those tantalising signs

of a kiss about to happen

better

than the kiss itself

My mind is going places
You hands have been before
Every movie scene
Leaves me longing for you more
Do you know what it's like
Going out
Hitting the town
Even though you've found what you were after
Shaving your legs
When you have no one to shave them for

Waking in fear
Sleeping in the past
Dreading the news,
That our last was our last

I'm holding on tightly,
But you're slipping away
In the ocean of distance
That keeps us astray.

Good things come to those who wait
Well I’m done waiting.
I’ve waited before.
I’ve been heartbroken,
I’ve recovered,
I’ve looked and looked and been around,
I gave up,
threw in the towel.
And then I was found.
By You
you who are so far away that distance includes a time difference

Limbo.
is not a state of mind!
It is a heart breaker, Chest beater There are not enough words in the world Minutes in the day
To express my frustration
With You
The universe
My weak weak resolve
To wait for you

I’ve waited before.
But I thought I had found you!
Been found.
Brought back to the place I had been before
I    was    like    Eve,!
in the Garden of Eden (pause)
Love is like……
Being high
But you still get the paranoia  It’s just not as intense

I’ve been heartbroken before
They say:
Distance makes the heart grow fonder?
But no one ever said what it did to the mind
Sleeping patterns, social skills and drinking habits?
I could have loved you.!
(But for that I needed time)
You could have been the love of my life
(Feelings grow)
The one ( a concept we trivialised)
Our relationship was facilitated
By my own temporary living situation

PAUSE

This limbo is never-ending
You drive me ******* crazy…
Crazy to ****
In blue Yves-St Laurent.
On top of covers,
Never under.


I guess the issue is
LETTING GO.
I don’t want to
It’s not fair
I just found someone who cares
About music, and books, haircuts
Me.
My needs
My pleasures
You chased ME
Right into my own mind Heart Body and soul
You got me
All of me;
My virginity

You said you didn’t do goodbyes.
I’ve never had to say goodbye;
But I think that we should have
Instead of this awful purgatory
That I’m wallowing in
Doubt, pity and swallowing
.My feelings.
Because this was meant to be easier (plea)
For you at least.
I
I just wish I was a vampire
So I could turn my feelings off
And recover

And I can’t fully address the heartache,
The recovery
The looking looking, getting around
Giving up, throwing in the towel
Because like a child
I am putting my foot down
I don’t want to be found
I already found you!
I will make my way back into your heart.
I will cross oceans.
I will succeed
Doubt and fear
Of my own instabilities
Abilities
Or lack of…

I have never been as uncertain.
I hope you’re happy…
That you make me feel this way…
Not that I regret
The time that WE spent.
I loved being we.
I hope that you would have grown to love me.

I am an accumulation of stories,
An amalgamation of myself and others,
Shared experiences lessening cultural differences,
Secrets and fears;
My own and those I hold near.
Joy and Sorrow;
What I say today may not hold true Tomorrow,
I am not constant
I am ever-changing,
Adjusting, evolving, ameliorating,
Tomorrow, I am the people I met Today
And part of the person I left behind Yesterday
What I am is Who I am,
A correlated concept, every day an elevated stand.

Hands Feet Arms Legs
Holding Touching Pausing
And I'm looking at you
Through the looking glass, through the looking glass,
And you're the arrow to my bow

You're like
Cake to a fat kid
Jolie to a Brad Pitt
Wrap you arms around my waist
Let's go to straight to second base
And the tension is tearing me up
I don't want to spoon,
I want to ****

Knock knock on my door
Falling falling falling for you,
And I'm dropping hints
For you to drop the hand
But your eyes do not shout from your soul

So how am I to know
if I'm to take you home

I remember
Gran’s bony hands gripping my wriggling wrists
Crossing streets,
Watching my parents leave for business trips
Screaming, crying and kicking at their departure
Gran held me firm in place poker faced
Family additions
Dragged away like furniture:
Made felt like I was the fist that punctured the peace,
A surgically removed cyst from familial bliss.

Trying to demonstrate
That she was not as straight
As die, rulers, skyscrapers, line geometry,
My one time fathers frivolities
Preoccupied my attention
Until austerity crept back into her manner,
A gulf snatching me away from her temporary lapse,
Her gnarly hand seizing my shoulder.
Her part played to a fading friend and children gone

Continental drift.
Ocean crossings for funeral celebrations
Ravines forming in her fathomless foundations
Avoided my attention
Bright wrapping paper covered my childhood perception,
There was no melancholic manic depression
no lashing out with verbal accusations of abandonment.
Isolation.

Bubble wrap layers of armour; parental protection
steadily cast off in adolescence,
Left me reeling with raw emotion after seeing my grandmother broken.
My father staring at the TV ignoring the reality of her sanity,
It is easier coping with the match score rather than the eyesore.
Sitting in silence sooner than covering circular topics exhausted.
This is the most either can hope for, every move calculated, deliberated.

She waits for death so she can be liberated
He waits for deaths so he can live again
In memories reclaimed,
bony hands gripping wrists,
Establishing familial bliss,
My one time grandmother’s frivolities ,
A collection of her life’s mythology,
Not the sum of her anthology.
We will rewrite her biography.

I sit here,
Staring at your name,
And I don't know how we went from Lunch to the coldwar
in a heartbeat.
And I keep wondering was it that kiss goodbye?
A kiss that said to me, in soft sultry tones,
'hey see you tomorrow'
And to you? To let go?
A move to fast? for those who like to move slow

No matter how many times I look back to try and see,
Inside your mind, Through your actions,
Read you reactions,To the things that I said
To the way you held me in bed,
Nothing,
Nothing explains this,
Only that misplaced kiss

Your artic stares and cold shoulders,
Do not render my resolve to resist,
But they hold my heart in a glacial grip,
And it hurts, That something so wonderful,
is over.
That memories made from our early morning escapades,
Will always remind me of us,
Hand in Hand,
and unafraid,
of touches, embraces, and kisses goodbye
somehow in that final night our fire died

That misplaced kiss goodbye.