something is happening.
i've been here before.
something is coming.
i've seen it before.
i've done it again, but too afraid to say it aloud.
so i write it here.
where i see no faces of readers.
it doesn't matter. so here i go...

what the **** is going on?
why are you back...
i'm drowning in my tears that don't come out.
instead they stay in.
i'm drowning.
when i'm awake.
when i'm asleep.
drowning from the floods.
drowning from the constant static noise in my head.
drowning from the fears...

yes, fear.
that is what you are.
why are you back?
what the **** do you want.
my soul has been a slave to you for years.
i moved. i changed. i got better.
but now you're back...
and i've done it again.
and again...
and again...

so here i am.
"so beautiful," " so smart..."
but drowning on the inside.
while i'm awake.
while i'm asleep.
Dominating, draining, depleting… me.
And I’m scared.

Won’t somebody help me?
Please...

eating away the flesh.
eating away the soul.
breaking down.
it doesn't stop.

spreading.
growing.
feeding.

feeling so weak.
powerless.
out of control.
mad.
sick.
sad.
angry.
hatred growing inside.

people say to be strong.
mind over matter.
but this isn't so...

10 years later and you still have a hold.
on me.
the person inside.
that longs to be free.

i'm sick.
slowly dying.
suffering.
lying to those i love.  

but quiet i stay.
screaming without making a sound.
dreaming of the the life i once had.
when this disease wasn't around.

please forgive me, self, for i have sinned.
i took a wrong turn and lost my way.
again.
i look all around me, but i don't know where you are.
i am searching... looking to the stars.
i'm afraid it's getting worse.
worse than ever before.
i'm tormented from the noise in my head.
is this what they call crazy?
crazy.
is that where i am?
a state of black emptiness.
running in circles.
living the same thing over and over.
i've been here before and i can't seem to find my way out.
or did i ever leave?
where are you??
please come back.
self.
can you hear me??
self.
i miss you.
i miss you so much it hurts.
i miss you so much i weep.
i pray that you may find your way home again.
i will welcome you with open arms.
and we shall celebrate your return.
even if that day is in heaven.
we will dance in the stars.

i'm here.
you're here.
sometimes i get so lost in my own dreams.
i create my own reality.
or do i?
i don't know.

are you here?
and i, here with you?
i want to stay.
please don't make me leave.
i find myself craving again.
i can feel the lust passion pumping through my veins.

or is this love?

i feel what i know.
i know what i see.
i see you.
but do i know how to love thee?

please don't leave.

i want to stay in this place.
forever.