Waking up to the window leaking life back into the cell
mixing with the white walls and echoing clock
and the dents in the door knobs.
I know I'm leaving today.
I don't take my medicine today.
I'm not going to be sleepy today.

Outside the creaky locked door I find nothing new
except faces I'll never see again and won't get to know,
this time.
Impatiently waiting for the call, for the call, for the call
when they'll let me out of this place.
Time ticks like a creaky fan on a summer afternoon,
consistently slowly.

Finally, out. Eight days gone and only my hair is longer.

On the floor the scent of coffee mixes with my perfume
and the musty smell of old books.
Here too early we welcomed ourselves in anyway
and she let us stay inside for a while.

I find myself a new thing to wear, here and there.
Happier now and content with myself
and rediscovering everything;
and I'm surprised to find everything where I left it.
Not just the clockwork of my room
but the architecture of the dining room as well.
The dresses are hung where they were before;
the tables haven't walked away.
With my name around my wrist I explore the nooks and crannies
and find no new spiders there.

But my eyes are different and the air more autumnal
than ever were before I went away.
The world isn't so dark and
maybe that's okay.

What am I doing?
****, I don’t know.
I’m spinning around
and flailing about
just trying to get a grip on
the walls, on the floor, on anything.
And you keep asking me questions;
I can’t handle the questions;
please stop asking me questions.
My head hurts enough as it is.
I’m lying to you;
I’m lying next to you;
I’m lying upon you.
I’m just ******* lying
through my teeth.
And by the skin of my teeth
I’m getting by.

Everything is a blur;
I guess that happens when you spin
out of control.
You’re taking advantage of me.
I’m letting you take advantage of me.
I’m so confused and you know it.
But you want me.
And if I don’t know what I want
it’d might as well be you.

The condensation is building up;
we’re making it hot in here.
And all the while all I can think about
is how much I’ll regret this later.
It is later and
I regret it now.
You keep telling me
how much you’ve enjoyed yourself
and you’re asking me questions.
Please stop asking me questions;
I can’t handle the questions.
My mind is so fogged up right now
like the glass of the mirrors.
Stop writing your name in the vapor.
I don’t need such a permanent reminder,
something I can’t clean off,
of what I’m doing to myself.
At least eventually your kiss will fade away.

Forever in a heartbeat, beat, beat;
a thousand heartbeats; a thousand forevers.
Somewhere the sunbeams catch your hair
alighting gently like sparrows at the tips,
turning each fly-away in turn a subdued golden hue
which radiates softly from your eyes.
Quiet sighs echo through the sheets;
Good morning, my love.
Unhurried, unworried;
Let's spend the day here.
Fading in and out, in and out of consciousness
to the sound of you breathing beside me;
waking up to feel your arms loosely pulling me back.
It's still too early yet;
though the sun has long since turned dark.
A crooked smile—the most beautiful thing I have ever seen—
and your voice telling me to
Dream sweetly. We'll eat in the morning.
Morning comes to rain; rain falls to autumn.
Beside me a yellow slip on the pillowcase reads
I don't love you.
I smile and listen for the sound of your footsteps.
I hear you, whistling tunelessly, and you call to me;
Have you woken yet?
As I meet you in the kitchen I find your eyes
and silently shake my head.
*I suppose one more day couldn't hurt.

Laughing, that's all they ever do is laugh.
Stupid children running rampant through my head
flipping switches and leaving lights on.
Papers crumple in mid-air
and my attention span goes numb.
P--
P--
P--
B--
B--
M--
M--
J--
                   What is
                               this
                       f    u    c    k    i    n    g
                               ­       thing?

I don't know you.

You speak and nothing comes out--
but fumes.

Are you anything at all?--
behind the veil
piano keys half-formed, drifting...

I don't know who you are--
what it takes to make you
fall in love, or
smile...

I'm sure it's simple,
it's all so very simple,
and you're just waiting for me
to figure it out,
aren't you?

I remembered our hotel staircase
and was suddenly sick with longing for you.
In my mind you're as beautiful as ever
and your voice still floats like
young spiders' silk threads in the air.
All the midnight city lights only
serve to remind me
of how long it's been since i last
held your hand.
Could I hold your hand again?

I'll never be the best,
     but at least I'll be something.