A year ago today...you took my heart, you took my soul, you took everything I had and created love.
Nights so magical, no one could ever forget.

Kisses so sweet it's unexplainable.

Every broken piece I had, you made whole again and I cannot look down on you.
When I thought I was lost, you pulled me back and showed me great things I cannot even begin to fathom.

A year ago today...I fell in love so madly, so deeply, so unforgettable

You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me things I cannot write.

A year ago today...a year ago today...those four words make so much come to mind:

Love, hate, happiness, loneliness, clearness, confusion, anger, wonder.....hate?

A year ago today...and I have not stopped falling...and I don't think I ever will

A year ago today...I can't stop writing it...

Come back to me...come back
and make it just today

Today...the day
I fall in love again

Go to sleep, and shut your eyes,
Please dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn.
For you know the pain that they have borne.
Silver metal, shines so bright.
Scarlet blood, that feels so right.
Dream of the blood that's trickling down,
And wake up just before you drown.
The moonlight's shining off your tears
Bleed out all your petty fears.
So tonight when you start to cry
You better whisper the cutters lullaby:

Hushabye baby, you're almost dead.
You don't have a pulse and your pillow is red.
Your family hates you, your friends let you bleed.
Sleep tight with a knife, cause it's all you'll need.
Rockabye baby, broken and scarred.
You didn't know life would be this hard.
Time to end the pain that you hid so well,
And down will come baby, straight back to hell.

Hey! Can you see me? I think I'm invisible...
Hey! Don't you hear me? I think I'm invisible...
Hey! Shouldn't you feel me? I think I'm invisible...
I'm talking to myself...I know I'm invisible...

What do you mean no one's reading this?
What do you mean no one's watching me write this?
What do you mean no one cares about this?
I'm still talking to myself...I know I'm invisible...

Doesn't everyone feel like this?
Doesn't everyone lose friends like this?
Doesn't everyone talk like this?
No one's answering...I know I'm invisible...

I thought all people were alone like this.
I thought all people saw things like this.
I thought all people were crazy like this.
I guess I'm just weird...and that's why I'm...

Invisible!

Embrace embrace embrace
Feel your tears upon my face

Embrace embrace embrace
My only safe place

Time goes by and things will fade
Still you remain in my heart

Embrace embrace embrace
I need you to breathe

Embrace embrace embrace
I feel you all around me

Don't ever leave on my own
I just cant live without you

Embrace embrace embrace
Your heartbeat lulls me to sleep

Embrace embrace embrace
I hope you feel this too

Let's stay like this forever and never dare let go
Just lay here in my arms...you're home

So...
embrace embrace...embrace

I think I've been in love before...but that was all not true
I really know what love is now thanks to meeting you
Your eyes have sadness that match my heart
Once I looked in them I knew we couldn't part

...I know I'm not the one for you...because you said so
And since you're so amazing I guess I'll trust in you

I might be writing this because I need you more than that
...but at least I have a perfect friend that says they'll never leave

You're the best thing thats ever happened to me...you always will be

Just the sound of your voice or the sight of the back of your head gives me the courage to fight the world.

I wish you could see past my wall that I've put up...I heard you can see the "real" anyone...

So why can't you see the ******* her knees begging to be good to you?

I can't even get a chance...all i can do now is glance

And dream a dream of you knowing what I try to hide...

You are an exit wound

the extra shot of tequila

the tangled knot of hair that has to be cut out

you are the cell phone ringing in a hushed theatre

pebble wedged in the sole of a boot

the ****** hangnail

you are, just this once

you are flip flops in a thunderstorm

the boy's lost *******

a pen gone dry

you are my father's nightmare

my mother's mirage

you are a manic high
which is to say:
you are a bad idea

you are ****** despite the ******

you are, I know better

you are pieces of cork floating in the wine glass

you are the morning after
whose name I can't remember
still in my bed

the hole in my rain boots

******* with no batteries

you are, shut up and kiss me

you are naked wearing socks

mascara bleeding down laughing cheeks

you are the wrong guy buying me a drink

you are the typo in an otherwise brilliant novel

sweetalk into unprotected ***

the married coworker

my stubbed toe

you are not new or uncommon
not brilliant or beautiful

you are a bad idea

rock star in the back seat of a taxi
burned popcorn
top shelf, at half price

you are everything I want

you are a poem I cannot write

a word I cannot translate

you are an exit wound

a name I cannot bring myself

to say aloud

You were never proud
My crys screamed loud
I laid in the shade
Used your rusty blade

Wrists drip blood
Tears start to flood
I cut myself
Feelings on the shelf

Lost all hope
Tightened the rope
Kicked the stool
What a fool

I hung there for hours
Through sorrowful showers
I hung there for a day
The price I had to pay

My heart grew cold
My soul was to old
I dealt with our strife
You still ****** up my life


My decaying body was a sick sight to see
I hope you can tell that you did this to me...

Cry, Pain, Tears of blood
The red on all wrists will begin to flood
Don't try to hide, Don't try to run,
'Cause in the end I'll get you ***!

I'll slit your throat, cut out your eyes, and bring your head back down to size.
I'll make you scream, I'll make you cry, throw you in a fire and watch you die.

The anger built up and a monster was created...can't you tell it's everyone I hated?
No one is my friend...its all a bunch of lies! So, I'll hold you down, and cut you up.

No one will hear your cries!!!

This is great, new found power! They'll see you hanging in the shower.
You'll all squirm and I will laugh...as i saw your bodies in half.

You ****** me off, set off my fuse...now I'll think of new torchers to use.
Looking at you fills me with disgust...Here we are, a knife with rust.

Now I'll cut off all your fingers and toes...a look on your face no longer
It's froze...

To **** with me you all are fools!
Guess what? Now I make the rules!

Ice encased the sacred.
Oh, set aside these worries,
Tranquility for those prepared.

One main event; sense the signs.
The sun, clouds, and the coincidence.
Encounter pleasure that beckons.

Enter the chamber of Dorothy.
The breeze, at first, enchants the ****.
Lured by chance from the songs of her heart.
Pour yourself for her, such infant gazes.

They haunt in the back, affected by the grand sun.
Still, peace from the delicate kiss of frost.
While ornate, it has been joined.
The flowers set on pavement dance for coin

Oh!
sorry if I woke you
she says upon discovery of the slumbering silver psyche
yaaaawn
...hey...
what's a pretty little thing like you
doing way down here?
I have a hole
a hole?
a hole
may I see?
right here
she points to her chest
doesn't that hurt?
a little
come here
let me look at you
she tiptoes towards him tacitly
darling, you're bleeding!
yeah, it's been doing that for a while now
all of my clothes are ruined
he reviews her jagged curves
oh
I thought you were dressed in red
you wear it too well
glassy drops drip over her painted body
weaving glossy trails of existence
mingling with the sticky diluted color
warm and painted wet
who did this to you?
I did
she shuffles her feet
eyes fall to the floor
dearest, who did this to you?
he moistens a cloud white cloth
as he directs her to the washroom
I did
why would you do such a thing
to yourself?
he begins drawing an ivory bath
with water so clear and sparkling
I wanted to see
see what?
if I could feel
she scratches a fingernail into her arm
revealing a sliver of her milky ghost
do you mind?
he extends his arm
mildly enveloping her dripping hand in his
a last wave of emotion rolls over her
while she steps gingerly into the tub
let's see what we can do
he smiles with his eyes
winking them into hers
why are you helping me?
because I can
is that alright?
I don't want to be a burden...
sweetheart, you're only a burden to yourself
his words sting with burning honesty
she withdraws into herself
close your eyes
I'll take care of you
she pulls away abruptly
panic flooding her perception
how can I trust you?
here
he removes each piece of clothing
laying them in a gentle heap at his feet
is that better?
he winces as she examines his naked form
suddenly shy in his voluntary exposure
he turns his head in shame
I have a hole too, you know
you wear it well
did you mend it yourself?
yes
many times
I have to sew it every day
with a little bone needle and heart strings
come here
let me look at you
he enters the bathtub and stands facing her
in unison they slip down into the water
sitting with torsos and arms above
legs intertwining below
do you mind?
she begins to pluck at the strings
working them out of his skin
tenderly tugging out his past
passionately pulling out his memories
who did this to you?
I did
she finishes extracting the threads
and leans back in confusion
I know
he smooths the cotton cloth around her tattered tear
streaking out a sterling snowstorm
dying the warm liquid a swirling scarlet
he warily washes off her past
carefully cleanses off her memories
I want to give you something
you can do with it what you want
she watches closely as he
digs his fingers into his chest
leaving the **** gaping
fear invades her taciturnity
how can you trust me?
he nudges open her drooling cavern
and sets his heart in her cage
you found me
he snatches a clean heart string
snaps off a new splintered bone
you saw me
she grips the marble sides
now pink with their leaking ichor
you felt me
he threads the imperfect ivory needle
and presses it lightly into her skin
you heard me
he stitches her closed
sealing it with a kiss
but I've nothing for you...
my heart has gone missing!
no it hasn't
she furrows her brow
new tears
pure tears
escaping
you gave it to me already
he dips her fingers into him
when you woke me

Listen to my voice calling you
Calling you out of darkness
Hear the devil's cry of sin
Always turn your back on him

With the wind you go and still
I dream of your spirit leading you back home
I will give my gifts to you
While you're gone and watching on

The light in your eyes
An angel of dark
Lighting to ease the shadows' sight
Hearts will grow, the heavens will play
Leaving behind the things in the end

Listen to my voice calling you
Calling you out of darkness
Hear the devil's cry of sin
Always turn your back on him
On him

Vote upon these unpaid choices.
What blunt charms, masks, and soliloquies
Jut the truth to distant memories?
Test the soul disguised in fantasies.

Touch can enchant the mode of a man.
Love can vanquish lost opportunity.
Look not past the air that creates new breathe.
Let these chances change you and clear the moon.

A calm, clear moon, where I can trust in you.
Quakes from river to ocean dance and then rest,
And slowly I find justice in you.
The grand act of love sweeps away pain and misery.

I used to let you boss me around
You did it so much that I'm feet below the ground
What you do makes me so depressed
Now I lay this friendship to rest

I used to treat you oh so good
And you didn't treat me like you should
Every day you'd rot and lie
Every night I'd rock and cry

I'm so tired of you pushing me around
So much that I'm feet below the ground
Our friendship is so messed up...it's knotted and tied
So many night I thought my heart had died.

Many times I couldn't see
All of the hurtful things that you did to me
You lied every day and broke our clause
I know now our time has been a lost cause...

So many thoughts run through my head and I can't help but wonder all of these things:
Who you were
Who you are
Who you will become
Will I be there to know
Where you are
What you're doing
WHO you're doing
What may coarse through your veins...
****, beer, coke oh thats for sure
but new things are what you like to do
******, ecstasy, straight up *****...you're going to end up dead...are you already dead?!
I can't believe you ran away, it's been so long since you've been home
I'm so worried about you even though we don't talk anymore...
Are you under a bridge? Walking the streets? In someones bed? ...Or are you holding hands with the monster again?
Are you with Mike, Jesse, Tina or Rae? I never thought I'd see the day...
Where you would lose all hope, leave me completely behind, and cut the last strand on your rope.
It's official...you're shot at a normal life is over, just like you always wanted...but can't you see that running away doesn't change a **** thing?
Just go home! Do whatever your doing there...so at least we know you're alive!
The last thing I want is to be the only person at your funeral sober and have to speak on your behalf..after realizing I never really knew you...because in your mind you've always been alone

Mid-summer day
Backyard of my house
Needed to tell you so much

Pulled me in
15 second kiss
Fell for you so much

Eyes so blue
Smile so beautiful
Wanted to be yours forever
You felt the same.

Long walks
for
Long night

Just for you
to
Hold me...

Kisses,
Hugs,
Dances,
Perfection

Love you never had before
Feelings I never had before

Only me and you
In Heaven...

Poems written about love,
Memories made everyday,
Jealousy rose in her.

Couldn't sleep without you
Didn't sleep just to be with me
Fell so deep in love
You felt the same.

Ashlin?
Kaitlyn?
Cousins?
Don't you feel the same?

Car
Scream
Tears

You Don't
Feel
The same!

When you
Loved me
I loved...
myself

I never thought I would say that
I never thought there'd be you...

Kisses
Difference
You slept all night

Ashlin?
Fake?
Jealously in one heart
Ruins all love

You never talk
2 Months pass

Ashley?
Girlfriend?
Same jealous heart
Set this up

You just won't talk
10 months pass

Missed you,
Called,
Talked,
Friends again

Ashley?
Broke up?
Even more time passes...

Still love you
Still mad at me

Can never have
What we had
back...

Long nights
Of a different kind
Cuts on the inside

All because...
Of one jealous heart

Mid-summer days?
Never the same again
Poems now...
Also different

About jealous hearts
And loneliness

In my dreams we're in love
In reality I don't know you anymore

In my dreams I can fly...and you fly with me
In reality I can't even touch you

In my dreams we aren't afraid
In reality there's never a moment I'm not scared

In my dreams anything is possible
In reality nothing is possible

In my dreams there's a special place for everything
In reality there is no place for me...or us

In my dreams everyone loves me for me
In reality if I open my mouth no one understands

In my dreams this makes sense to all of you
In reality I know you don't get it

In my dreams I am confident
In reality I'm not allowed to be

In my dreams it feels so real
In reality I feel so fake

But as I always say..."Dreams are only in your head"

When I sit on my porch and the tears start to flow
I begin to realize that I'll never let go

This part of me will always be here
Now it all is finally clear

You may help me by being a lover
But nothing is true, I'll always be a cutter

I thought one day it would all go away
That the clouds would open up and no longer be gray

But this monster will be a part of me
And that is how it'll always be

I made this mistake so long ago
Now I get high when I see my blood flow

I'm so sorry that I cannot change
I know it must seem very strange

A person who will always cut
Will never be out of this stupid rut

Can be with some one who would never do such a thing
My everything, the yang to my ying

I hope that you can take me for me
That together we can always be

Even though the monster won't let go
And everyday my tears will flow

Sometimes I find myself pulling strings
Out of book bags, shirts, and little things.
And in watching all of them fall apart
It slightly mends my broken heart.

Broken, black, and little stitches,
Hold me back from killing (b)itches.
How many times can you sew yourself shut?
How many needle pokes before a cut?

Tick and Tock, it won't slow down,
Pull me up before I drown.
Watching the chaos rip and fray,
Are disturbing things to get through the day.

Keep on pulling and un-threading,
Blood on the floor and all over the bedding.
Can't stop pulling things apart.
"I like it when you look like my heart!".

All alone and in the dark,
I can't stop pulling things apart.
Rip it up, put it back together,
I'm in this cycle for all of ever.

Ding and ****, time is slow,
I think it is time for me to go.
Cover your ears and close your eyes,
So I may lie on the floor and watch it die.

Find me where I hid myself
Among the leaves and trees

Find me where I hid myself
While I'm crying on my knees

Find me where I hid myself
For I truly hate being alone

Find me where I hid myself
So my heart and mind don't roam



I didn't want to hide myself
I just felt you didn't care

I didn't want to hide myself
I can still hear your voice in the air

I didn't want to hide myself
But the past returns to hurt

I didn't want to hide myself
But did because I'm burnt



Please save me from this wall I built
It's towering to high

Please save me from this wall I built
And teach me how to fly

Please save me from this wall I built
I'm screaming and terrified

Please save me from the wall I built
Though my heart already died

It's always dark inside this room called my heart.
And it works in the weirdest ways.

Its been cut, It's been hurt, It's been torn into pieces...
But somehow it pulls itself together.

It heals the hurt, it heals the pain
It fixes itself till it's whole again.

Ripped apart, pulled back together
My heart can go through any weather.

You can stab it, and then leave it all alone...
After time it will still regrow.

The heart works in mysterious ways...
It gets hurt, played, and torn but still isn't fazed.

It bleeds for a day
Then it says "no way"

Pulls itself together...
It's dark but still finds light

But just because I numb to you,
Doesn't mean you shouldn't love me through and through.

Just because I'm telling you...
All the thing that I can go through

Doesn't mean you shouldn't even try
For even the strongest things can die...

Oh that beautiful disaster of how you let me go
Oh how I sit here and how the tears flow
Ready? Set. Go!
Oh how the tears will flow.

Plip.Plop.Can't.Stop
Tick.Tock.Can't.Stop
Back 'n Forth Can't.Stop
The dam has overflowed

The drops on the paper make it hard to see the words
The ink runs slowly down. Like my vision, thoughts are blurred.

Tick.Tock.Can't.Stop
Back 'n Forth Can't.Stop
Plip.Plop.Can't.Stop
The dam has overflowed

I hate the clock how I hate you. I stare off in the distance
Can't stop anything, Can't change anything, I question my existence.

Back 'n Forth Can't.Stop
Plip.Plop.Can't.Stop
Tick.Tock.Can't.Stop
The dam has overflowed

Lying on the bed. Alone and so confused
Curled up like a baby. Battered, beat, and bruised

Plip.Plop.Can't.Stop
Tick.Tock.Can't.Stop
Back 'n Forth Can't.Stop
Done.

Is this what love is?
Not knowing what love is?

Is this what love is?
Looking across the room while writing this and falling into your eyes so deeply?

Is this what love is?
Giggling at all of your silly ways?

Is this what love is?
Spending the secretive night in your arms but feeling like t'was only a slight moment?

Is this what love is?
Lying on your warm bed when you're not with me?

Is this what love is?
Letting out a long sigh after smelling the scent of you linger?

Is this what love is?
Falling apart when you close the door?

Is this what love is?
"I'd do anything for you."?

Is this what love is?
Not caring what anyone else thinks?

Is this what love is?
Committing such a sin by kissing your pure, sweet lips?

Is this what love is?
Not knowing when to let go?

Is this what love is?
In fact, knowing what love is?

This is what love is!
Love is you!

It's just so hard, I keep on trying...but never getting anywhere
I keep on crying, feel like dying...something is wrong with the air
Stuck in a rut, can't claw my way out, these days go on forever
Something turning, something shifting, this is much stranger weather
Getting so angry, feeling so alone, your touch feels like sandpaper
Trying to smile, faking this smile, but I need to give into this anger
Writing this down fills me with disgust...it has not ever truly helped
I've been mad, I've been sad, I've been everything else...but this is something I've never felt

Why do I love you?
Why do you hate me?
Why do I even care?
I know you don't!
Why am i writing?
It doesn't help!
I want you to find this...
And see how I feel.
So good, yet so bad!
Why did we lose what we had?
I'll keep waiting for you.
You may never come back.
But my memories will keep me thinking...
Until you do
Or
Until I die!

I'm giving up on you...
I try to make you happy, no matter what it takes
You tell me not to call so much
I haven't called in weeks
You tell me we can't see each other
I haven't seen you since late September
You tell me we can't be anymore
I haven't kissed you since that day
You tell me I can't love you
And so I never speak
Yet still you put me down
Saying things that rip my heart out...
I never complained until now
The words you call me might be true
And that's only 'cause I can't stop loving you
Even thought I don't want to do this
I know I have to...
I'll never call
I'll never see
I'll never kiss
I'll never speak
I'm leaving you alone now
Like you've always wanted
I hope you're really happy
Because my heart is dead!

Mountain. Heavy mountain. It changed over a long period of time.
The sky. Blue sky. Invisible objects. Visible objects.
The sun. There is only one.
Water. Something comfortable.
Flowers. There are many of the same ones. There are many unnecessary ones too.
The sky. Red, red sky.
The color red. I don't like red.
Flowing water. Blood. The smell of blood.
A girl who never bleeds.
A human created from red clay.
A human created by a man and woman.
Cities. Built by humans.
Dolls. Built by humans in a human image.
What is human? It's created by God.
Are we Gods dolls?
No. Humans are created by humans.
I have a life...a heart.
A casing for the heart.
The entry plug. It's the throne of the soul.
Who is this? It is me.
Who am I? What am I?
I am myself. This object is myself. It's a shape of myself. A visible self.
But I don't feel like myself.
It's very strange.
I feel like I'm going to dissolve.
I cannot recognize myself.
My figure is disappearing.
I feel someone else.
Is there anyone beyond here?
Who are you?

There's things I miss and things I don't
There's things I should do and things I won't

And through all the things that I did with you
I learned just what and what not to do

Don't hold his hand don't kiss his cheek
But stand on your own when things look bleak

Don't cuddle with him when you get cold
He'll leave you alone once you get to old

Don't sacrifice yourself to see him smile
He doesn't think you're that worth while

Just when you think that he's the one
You'll chase after him but he'll be done

When you wish he was there you'll be crying instead
Since he left you feel better off dead

Be on your own, you don't need anything
See what life without him can bring

Even if you find someone new
Let me tell you what to do

Every guy is just the same
Stay alone if you want to be sane

I guess you changed your mind
I guess this is goodbye

I guess I messed up
I guess you won't tell me why

I guess I'm not what you wanted me to be
I guess you don't care that I'm sorry

I guess there is no "second chance"
I guess that it's to late

I guess I should get over it
I guess I should stop guessing

You're not coming back

I hear my phone ring and I keep thinking its you
...But it's not

So I guess this is goodbye

Have you ever stopped to look around?
Yes, ashamed at what I found.
When looking around what did you see?
The wasted lives surrounding me.

What is it, sad, that shamed you so?
People who thought time moves so slow.
How did you realize not to waste time?
By seeing how life can stop on a dime.

Why worry about the ones you hold dear?
Because losing my friends is my greatest fear.
How don't you waste Gods gift from above?
By spending more time with the ones that you love.

How do you make each special moment not past?
By living each moment like it was your last.
What do you hope to come of this rhyme?
For people to stop...wasting their time.

When I see the snow fall I remember how I fell in love with you...
Still 'till this day our love is so pure and true
The kiss of the flakes meeting the ground
The kiss of your lips against mine.
Still 'till this day my heart flutters and my stomach turns for you
Dreamt of your arms, your kiss, your warmth...
But dreams are only in your head.
Seeing you everyday, and then having to walk away
Walking out into the blistering cold that I felt on the outside and the in...
When love is real, you can't turn from it, so I let the game begin.
I was so scared to be loved by you, I was so scared this dream wasn't true
Every time the snow hits the ground...I remember all of these things.
As scared as I was, you wouldn't turn away and said you were here to stay
Now your arms, your kiss, your warmth are all around me...
and I never want to let it go
Dreams do come true, and thanks to you...
I can do anything!
Your love for me melted the snow in my heart and the sun melts the snow on the ground.
But when it returns...like it always does, and the first flake hits again
My mind goes back to that special place where I first felt your arms around me...
And I knew it was finally true
And I knew you were the one
And I knew I'd go through anything for you
The thought of your face, your eyes, your smile, your laugh...just everything about you
Sends shivers down my spine, and it always will...
Still 'till the day that I die